DANCING WITH THE STARS

ACT Party leader David Seymour has reportedly found himself fantasising about being stuck in the international space station today. 

Seymour admitted that watching the recent rescue of two astronauts who had been stranded on the International Space Station for nine months made him “a little jealous.”

“Honestly, a broken toilet in zero gravity sounds more manageable than fielding another round of questions about the quality of a handful of free school lunches going slightly wrong,” sighed Seymour, staring wistfully at a NASA livestream, wishing he was not on planet earth..

The ACT leader has been under increasing pressure after the Government’s school lunch programme has recently spiralled into full-blown chaos, especially this week after Libelle, the main food manufacturer tasked with providing over 125,000 lunches per day, went into liquidation.

“Look, like some school lunches, space missions don’t always stick to schedule either. You don’t hear astronauts complaining when they’re stuck in space for nine months, they just get on with it.”

Visibly worn down, Seymour admitted the daily media barrage has him looking for escape routes—ideally ones that involve rocket fuel and exiting earth’s atmosphere..

“Every morning it’s the same—‘David, what about the kids?’ ‘David, why no protein?’ Honestly, I’d take my chances with space debris at this point,” he said. “Out there, no one hear you scream, but also no one can hear you getting grilled by the NZ media!”

NASA has not yet commented on whether they have room for Seymour on their space station at the time of publishing.

More to come. 

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The post Seymour Wishing He Was Stuck In Space Station So He Wouldn’t Have To Deal With School Lunches appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BACK IN MY DAY

Palmerston North’s crankiest pub regular, 83-year-old Graeme “Grumpy” McTavish, is sick and tired of David Seymour’s school lunch mess. Sipping a cold DB at Rosie O’Grady’s last Tuesday, the old boy got stuck into a long-winded rant, bemusing on-duty staff.

“Back in my day, we didn’t get hot meals handed to us by the government,” Graeme grumbled, waving a shaky finger. “You’d get a bit of bread and an apple if you were lucky—nothing fancy like butter chicken or mac and cheese. And none of this mamby-pamby ‘marmite and chippy’ business either! 

“Most days, it was a bit of dry bread and a hard stare from Mum. And we were thankful! Not this ‘kids need proper food’ rubbish.”

Seymour, the ACT leader and Associate Education Minister, keeps saying parents should pay for their kids’ meals, not the state. But now he’s stuck sorting out school lunches, making sure kids get steaming plates of curry or cheesy pasta without breaking the bank. Graeme finds it hilarious.

“He’s sweating over hot dinners!” Graeme laughed, splashing freshly poured foam on his jersey. “If the state shouldn’t be feeding them, what’s he doing mucking around with fancy recipes? Back in my day, if you forgot your lunch, you went hungry and didn’t forget again!”

Graeme thinks Seymour’s in a right mess. “God, it’s always too hot, too cold, not enough, too much…he’s never gonna bloody win with these people!” 

More to come. 

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CRUNCHING THE NUMBERS

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon was spotted sitting alone outside of Parliament’s Beehive  today.

The National Party leader was  solemnly working his way through a mountain of chip and Marmite sandwiches in an effort to cope with the latest Taxpayers’ Union-Curia poll results, which had Labour’s Chris Hipkins as preferred prime minister.

“Look, I’ve always said that if people want a good, honest lunch, then just make a Marmite sandwich,” muttered Luxon between mouthfuls, who has been an advocate for people, especially parents, to make their children Marmite sandwiches for their school lunches.

With National’s numbers slipping and calls for him to be replaced as leader of the party, it was clear Luxon was trying to dull the sting of political reality.

“What I will tell you is that some leaders hit the bottle when things get tough. Me? I personally double down on a bit of Kiwi resilience—bread, Marmite, and a handful of ready-salted chippies,” said Luxon, delivering the line flawlessly out of his well versed media playbook.

As murmurs from passing staffers suggested his latest attempt to ‘connect with the average Kiwi’ was, once again, backfiring, Luxon remained undeterred, reaching for another slice of white bread.

“Look, despite the polling results today, the shareholders of this great nation can rest assured that they’re poised for strong quarterly outcomes from this government. What I can confidently say is that every Kiwi will see a solid dividend this fiscal year, as we continue to drive value and maximize returns for all stakeholders,” he said as he polished off his fifth Marmite sandwich.

More to come.

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The post Luxon Eases Pain Of Poor Poll Result By Binging On Chip And Marmite Sandwiches appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

STRONG STANCE

In a rare moment of decisiveness, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has put a stake in the ground over a hotly debated issue: Marmite vs Vegemite.

Luxon has been under fire recently over a train wreck interview with ZB host Mike Hosking. The PM painfully failed to give a straight answer to the question of whether he would have sacked former National MP Andrew Bayly or not. 

But Luxon appeared to know exactly where he stood when it came to Marmite vs Vegemite.. The PM’s emphatic comments on school lunches have left a clear message with the NZ public.: Marmite reigns supreme, and no amount of media pressure will change that.

“If you’re unhappy with the school lunches, for God’s sake, go make a Marmite sandwich and put an apple in a bag, just like you and I had,” Luxon boldly declared to Hosking, offering a no-nonsense solution to frustrated parents, suggesting they all go buy more Marmite.

In Wellington, one parent chimed in on the PM’s latest comments.: “Marmite versus Vegemite? That’s a hot take I can respect. As for Bayly—well, it’s a bit weird that he took so long to answer that. But hey, at least he’s clear on spreads!”

Luxon then further provided more context on his rare decisive decision.

“Look, I’m not saying the country is going to change because of Marmite, but it’s good to make it clear where I stand when it counts. And in this case, it counts.”

“There’s no room for Vegemite in my cabinet—or my pantry or lunchbox for that matter,” Luxon concluded, not prepared to sit on the fence at all.

More to come.

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The post “I Prefer Marmite Over Vegemite”: One Issue The Prime Minister Isn’t On The Fence About appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

OUT OF TOUCH

Teachers and principals took a break from sending photos of squashed school lunches to Stuff today, instead turning their attention to Prime Minister Christopher Luxon. 

Today Luxon callously suggested that parents should feed their own children, and even said he would “prefer it if the state didn’t have to”. But when he went on to say that parents could make a sandwich using marmite… that was the last straw.

The New Zealand Principals Association put out a statement on their website, calling the Prime Minister “out of touch” for suggesting parents should make marmite sandwiches instead of vegemite ones. 

“For many children, their school lunch is the most nutritious thing they’re going to eat all day. So if you’re going to suggest any yeast-based spread on sandwiches, at least suggest vegemite since vegemite has veggies in it,” the statement read.  

“It’s in the name, dummy!”

The Bega Group, the Australian company that owns the Vegemite brand, has also slammed the prime minister.

“Vegemite’s got veggies in it! Does Mr Luxon not want children to have nutritious veggies in New Zealand? Or is it the parents’ responsibility to give their kids veggies too?” said the group spokesman matter-of-factly. 

The Principals Association later published a follow up post, questioning why Luxon chose to say children should have an apple in their lunch, when oranges have more vitamin C.

More to come. 

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