ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Politics
CRUNCHING THE NUMBERS
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon was spotted sitting alone outside of Parliament’s Beehive today.
The National Party leader was solemnly working his way through a mountain of chip and Marmite sandwiches in an effort to cope with the latest Taxpayers’ Union-Curia poll results, which had Labour’s Chris Hipkins as preferred prime minister.
“Look, I’ve always said that if people want a good, honest lunch, then just make a Marmite sandwich,” muttered Luxon between mouthfuls, who has been an advocate for people, especially parents, to make their children Marmite sandwiches for their school lunches.
With National’s numbers slipping and calls for him to be replaced as leader of the party, it was clear Luxon was trying to dull the sting of political reality.
“What I will tell you is that some leaders hit the bottle when things get tough. Me? I personally double down on a bit of Kiwi resilience—bread, Marmite, and a handful of ready-salted chippies,” said Luxon, delivering the line flawlessly out of his well versed media playbook.
As murmurs from passing staffers suggested his latest attempt to ‘connect with the average Kiwi’ was, once again, backfiring, Luxon remained undeterred, reaching for another slice of white bread.
“Look, despite the polling results today, the shareholders of this great nation can rest assured that they’re poised for strong quarterly outcomes from this government. What I can confidently say is that every Kiwi will see a solid dividend this fiscal year, as we continue to drive value and maximize returns for all stakeholders,” he said as he polished off his fifth Marmite sandwich.
More to come.
This story was brought to you by NZHL’s most switched on mortgage advisors. Take back control of your current mortgage or get advice on how to get your first home loan.
