ISSUES THAT MATTER

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon is quietly confident that he’s finally tapped into what matters most for New Zealand voters – Ukraine. 

Luxon has just finished his third and final tattoo session, which put the final touches on his forearm tattoo of Ukrainian president Volodimir Zelenskyy’s face. 

“Look it took a long time to get this done, but I think this is exactly what New Zealanders have been screaming out for. This is a government that measures itself on its delivery, which is exactly why I’ve now got a tattoo of the Ukrainian president on my arm,” he said.

Fresh off the back of his recent car crash interview with Mike Hosking, Luxon along with his crack team of millennial social media advisors believe they’ve absolutely nailed it this time.

“Well look I know that polls show that concern for Ukraine is way down the list of people’s priorities in New Zealand, but all my switched on social media people said this was a great idea!

“My team consistently gives me good advice on posting relatable content on social media. It’s 2025 and this is what people need from a Prime Minister,” he recited from one of his many pre-scripted key message banks.  

As he applied cream to his new ink to avoid scarring, Luxon reflected on his decision to permanently imprint another man’s face onto his skin. 

“It’s all about connecting with average New Zealanders. Yes, getting the face of a foreign president tattooed on my forearm seems pretty out there. But maybe doing something a little extreme is how we get more people on board, and unite the nation to get this economy back on track.”

Luxon cut the interview short before he could explain how endless support for Ukraine helps our economy. 

More to come. 

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The post Luxon Hopeful His Fresh New Volodymyr Zelenskyy Tattoo Will Impress New Zealand Voters appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HEY, SETTLE WILL YA?

Local misfit Vinny Pullman has made a scene at a Queen Street house party, after his long time crush Ursula Kraus rejected him after he claimed that they “belonged together”.

“Ursula! We belong together my darling, your people and my people are the same!” he was heard screaming after his third beer.

The Whakataki Times can confirm that Pullman and Kraus had had a long term relationship previously, however Ms Kraus says that relationship was completely toxic and is now “ancient history”. 

“He was so controlling, I was walking around on egg shells, just really abusive and there’s no way I’m going back there”, said Kraus defiantly. 

Party-goer Nathan Oldman, known by his friends as “Nate-O”, was visibly concerned about the whole thing. “Vinny’s always been a really weird guy but now I’m worried that he’s attempting to force Ursula to be his girlfriend again. Which is really not okay”.

“Also, he’s an idiot for being like this, because the shop he owns in town depends on his customers, and we’re all here at this party! Like, if he’s being a dick to Ursula, who we all love and think is awesome, then people are gonna stop buying stuff from him and he’ll go out of business.”

“Seriously, just calm down mate, move on..”, said Nate-O, shaking his head. 

More to come.

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The post Weird Angry Guy At Party That Everyone’s Telling To Calm Down Refuses To Calm Down appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BLACK OR GOLD?

Juliet Emerson, 27, has had a refreshing wave of nostalgia wash over her after seeing the ‘The dress’ pop up on her Facebook ‘Memories’ this morning.

“Ah, it’s definitely still black and blue,” the Whakataki marketing assistant said to herself with confidence, while reminiscing about a simpler time in her life.

The viral dress dominated world headlines in 2015 after viewers had heated debates about whether it was coloured black and blue or white and gold. 

It was a nice change for Emerson’s social media feed, which has been completely flooded with news and controversy around MIQ, protests in Wellington about the Government’s vaccine mandates and the current Russian invasion of Ukraine.

“Gee, times have changed. My family used to be at each other’s throats about our differences on the colour of some viral dress on the internet, now we are mostly at a war of words about whether wearing a mask and getting the jab is in breach of our human rights,” Emerson whimpered to the Whakataki Times reporters.

As she scrolled through the comments on her old Facebook post, Emerson explained how she would welcome back the old kind of division in society in a heartbeat. 

“I’d give anything to just be arguing with my Mum and sister about how they could be so bloody blind to the fact that this dress is clearly black and blue and not white and gold. The last few weeks I’ve been having quarrels with them about whether the protesters outside Parliament should just go home or not. Bring back some arguments about the bloody dress colour!” Emerson said, looking like she was about to engage in another dress debate.

Emerson then decided to take the news cycle back into her own hands by replying to her sister Rosie’s 2015 comment saying the dress was white and gold, with the comment ‘#blackandblue’.

More to come

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The post Local News Junkie Remembers When The Biggest Controversy Was The Colour Of A Dress appeared first on The Whakataki Times.