DECISION FATIGUE

Nelson man Fraser McKenzie has ordered a pint of Behemoth “Something Hazy” purely to avoid having to think any further this evening, after what friends described as “a pretty full-on Friday mentally”.

The 34-year-old communications advisor made the call shortly after arriving at a downtown bar and staring silently at the drinks menu for nearly forty seconds.

McKenzie eventually pointed vaguely at the board and muttered “Yeah just chuck us the hazy” before visibly relaxing into his seat.

“Honestly I feel like I’ve been making decisions all bloody day,” he explained, plonking down his glass. “I had to choose meeting times, rewrite a sentence about stakeholder engagement six different ways and decide whether to get the large sushi or not. By the time I got here I was completely cooked. Just wanted a Behemoth hazy to take it all away.”

Friends confirmed the hazy IPA has become McKenzie’s “default setting” over the past two years, largely because it allows him to bypass any genuine personality or preference.

“You don’t really have to commit to anything with a hazy,” said mate Dylan Reeves. “It’s not a lager because then people think you’re simple, but it’s not some weird smoked porter either because that takes too much energy. It just sits safely in the middle. Impossible to go wrong”

McKenzie agreed, saying the beer offered “a soft landing” after a difficult day navigating a bunch of difficult requests.

“It tastes vaguely tropical, everyone else is drinking one and you can sort of sip it thoughtfully while pretending you know what ‘mouthfeel’ means,” he said. “It’s a good fit for me and hard not to just want another one afterwards. It’s my favourite Behemoth brew to be honest.”

Bar staff say they see similar behaviour most nights, particularly among men in puffer jackets quietly recovering from spreadsheet-based employment.

“There’s usually this moment where they look at all twelve taps like they’re deciding whether to make an offer on a house,” said bartender Liv Thompson. “Then they panic and order the hazy because deep down, they’ve already made every other decision they’re capable of making that day.”

At press time, McKenzie was reportedly avoiding another decision by getting a second hazy.

More to come.

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GLASS HALF FULL

Hastings man Nathan Cooper, 34, has confirmed he now carries his own craft beer glassware to bars “just in case the venue doesn’t really respect the beer properly”.

Cooper, who works in UX design and owns what friends describe as “an unnecessary amount of tote bags”, says he first began bringing his own glass after being served a Behemoth Brewing hazy IPA in “just a standard bloody pint glass”.

“You lose most of the aroma profile straight away,” Cooper explained while carefully unpacking a tulip-shaped glass from a padded laptop sleeve. “People think it’s pretentious but it’s just about getting the beer the way the brewer intended.”

Witnesses say Cooper now quietly arrives at bars carrying what appears to be “a range of fragile scientific equipment”, before politely asking staff to “just pour directly into this one if that’s all good”.

“I’m actually making things easier for everyone,” Cooper said.

“You’d be surprised how many bars still don’t understand presentation. Some places are serving good beer in glasses designed for like, Lion Red. If that’s your thing fair enough, but certain beers need room to open up.”

Friends say the situation escalated after Cooper began briefly rinsing his own glassware in the bathroom beforehand “to neutralise any foreign detergent aromas”.

“He’s still a good bloke,” said mate Jason Reid.

“But there’s definitely a moment now when the beers arrive and Nathan sort of holds his glass up to the light like he’s checking a urine sample.”

Bar staff across Hawkes Bay have reportedly adapted well to the trend, with several admitting they initially assumed Cooper had some kind of severe allergy.

Cooper told reporters that the only thing he’s allergic to is inappropriate glassware.

“You need the right tool for the right job”.

More to come.

The post Craft Beer Guy Brings Own Glassware To Bar To Optimise Experience appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

EVOLVED TASTES

Christchurch man Jason Miller, 36, has confirmed he can no longer “just grab a box” after developing what mates describe as “a fully unnecessary relationship with craft beer”.

Friends say Miller was once known for drinking whatever was cheapest, coldest and closest during his twenties, including Cody’s, Double Browns and VBs from the dairy.

But sometime around 2021, Miller reportedly began using phrases like “a bit more sessionable” and “I’m after something interesting tonight”.

“He used to drink anything,” said longtime mate Aaron Peters.

“Now he stands in front of the craft beer fridge at New World like he’s deciding which university he wants go to.”

Miller denies he’s become difficult, insisting his tastes have simply “evolved a bit”.

“You just get older don’t you,” he explained while holding two different Behemoth four-packs at chest height for comparison.

“You start appreciating quality more. I’m not saying I’m above a standard lager. I just think if I’m gonna drink six beers on the couch while watching YouTube, they may as well have some personality.”

Witnesses say supermarket trips with Miller now take significantly longer than necessary, with the 36-year-old often quietly reading the sides of cans before making a vibe-based decision.

“There’s a lot going on in the beer scene now,” Miller said.

“You’ve got your hazies, your West Coasts, your roasted stouts, your APAs. It’s honestly a good time to be curious.”

Flatmates report Miller also recently began refrigerating specific beers separately “for optimal drinking windows”, despite still consuming them while wearing his same old trackpants with the stain on the front.

“He talks about flavour profiles heaps now,” said flatmate Chris Hall.

“But at the end of the day he’s still sitting there eating chicken tenders and watching UFC highlights on his phone.”

Miller was allegedly last seen spending $22.99 on six cans because “they looked pretty decent actually”.

More to come.

The post Bloke Who Used To Drink Anything Now Apparently Needs “Something Interesting” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HAZY BOY HURT

A 35-year-old Wellington man has taken to social media to share the flavours he’s picking up in his Behemoth Brewing hazy IPA. This was after his mates at the pub completely ignored his tasting notes in person.

Graphic designer Hayden Carson, who lives in a shared flat in Newtown, was once again in Christchurch visiting university friends when he realised no one was that interested in his craft beer commentary.

“They just don’t really get the complexity of what Behemoth are doing with their hazies,” he said, mid-scroll on Twitter (which he now openly calls ‘X’).

“I’m getting mango, maybe a little bit of coconut on the back. Could be the Sabro hops again. I’ll tweet it.”

Carson had earlier tried to spark an unprompted conversation by describing what he was drinking, using words like “juicy” and “bold but not pushy.”

His friend Darren was not surprised.

“Hayden means well, and honestly Behemoth do make bloody good beer,” he said while sipping his own pale ale. “But mate… just drink it.”

As his notes fell flat around the table, Carson quietly turned to his phone and fired off a string of tweets: “Subtle stonefruit with a slightly grassy finish. Could be the water profile down here? #BeerNerds”.

He got three likes and a reply that said “u ok bro?”

Carson was last seen at the bar ordering another round — this time a fresh hazy from Behemoth, which he says he’ll review in more detail once he gets back to his Airbnb.

More to come.

The post Craft Beer Guy Tweets The Flavours He’s Detecting After Being Ignored In Real Life appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SOLID STARTING POINT

A Hamilton man has apparently built a complete identity around a Behemoth Brewing t-shirt.

35-year-old Liam Halstead was first spotted wearing the shirt at a friend’s barbecue back in 2022. Since then, he has worn it to six other barbecues, three gigs, a beer festival, one second date, and a job interview.

“It’s not just a shirt,” said Halstead, pulling at the now well-worn collar. “It’s a conversation starter. It says, ‘This guy likes flavour. This guy reads the labels. This guy gets it.’”

Halstead’s friend Jordan Jorgensen says the shirt, which features Behemoth’s cartoon Churly character, has become “a core part of who Liam is”, as he now says things like “I’m a bit of a beer nerd, to be fair”, and that any beverage under 7% is “sessionable”.

“He’s got opinions now,” says Jordan. “Strong ones. About IPAs, yeast strains, and carbonation. It’s exhausting.”

Halstead has reportedly never home-brewed in his life, but is “really good” at talking about people who do. He also refers to Behemoth Brewing as “the boys” despite never having met anyone who works there.

“Behemoth just really aligns with who I am,” said the man, who works in supply chain management and drives a Mazda Demio. “Big flavours and big character, just like me.”

Halstead says the t-shirt has served him well, especially when entering new social environments.

“It just helps people know what they’re dealing with. I’m chill, I’m crafty, I’ve got taste. And I don’t drink anything I can’t describe using the words ‘citrusy’ or ‘resin-forward’.”

Asked if he had any plans to mix things up fashion-wise, Halstead confirmed he had recently purchased a Behemoth hoodie, “for more formal occasions”.

More to come.

The post Local Man Uses Craft Beer Tee Shirt As Foundation For Personality appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CRAFT BEER COUP

Jarryd Coutts, 32, of Wellington is still coming to terms with the fact that he paid just eight New Zealand dollars for a pint of craft beer, which was not from a shaky trestle table in an ageing rugby clubrooms in Tawa, but from a slick central city bar with functioning plumbing and mood lighting.

The pint which has left Coutts stunned was purchased at Churly’s CBD on Willis Street, home of Behemoth Brewing Company, for just $8.

“I thought maybe it was some sort of cruel happy hour prank,” said Coutts, still clutching his Bright As Day IPA like a newborn baby. “But it was real. A proper Behemoth pint. Eight bucks. In Wellington. And not once did the bartender ask if I was a club member or tell me to mind the carpet as well,” said Coutts drinking his beer and knowing his bank account won’t be ruined if he gets a couple more.

“I was walking down Willis and thought, maybe I’ll just grab a dumpling. But then I saw the Behemoth logo. Next thing I know, I’m holding a cold pint of Bright As Day IPA and asking the bartender if he’s made a mistake with the EFTPOS machine.”

Staff at Churly’s confirmed the price is not a mistake, but part of an initiative to make good beer like Behemoth accessible, and also to remind people that you don’t need to trek out to a forgotten clubrooms in Tawa to drink affordably.

“Some people think you need to be surrounded by rugby memorabilia, yellowing walls, and a $2 pool table with one leg shorter than the rest to get a cheap beer,” said duty manager Alex. “We’re just trying to shift that narrative.”

At press time, Coutts was seen calling several mates to share the news, yelling, “It’s not a stitch-up! Eight bucks, bro. Behemoth! Central city! No smell of Deep Heat anywhere! Get down to Churly’s CBD now.”

More to come. 

The post $8 Beer Discovered In Wellington Not In Ageing Rugby Clubrooms appeared first on The Whakataki Times.