COULD HAVE USED THE TIME OFF

Covid-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins is thinking about what could have been, after a recent RAT detected COVID-19 in his mucus sample. This comes a month and a half after the Charlotte-Bellis-Afghanistan-pregnancy-MIQ PR disaster, where he could have used a break from work.

Yesterday he tweeted a picture of his RAT, which had a barely visible line on the test side, saying “The faint line seems out of keeping with how I currently feel! Day 7 of isolation and now it’s my turn. So I’ll be clocking off for another 7 days. Take care out there everyone.”

Whakataki political editor Malcolm Felps points out that in late January this year, when the pregnant journalist Charlotte Bellis was stuck in Afghanistan due to the MIQ waiting list, Hipkins really could have used the time off.

“That was a shit of a time for Hipkins and I think he would have welcomed a spell of coronavirus just to let someone else deal with the Bellis drama”, said Felps.

“Imagine trying to defend a hotch-potch system where pregnant women can’t get out of a Taliban dictatorship unless they are able to gain media attention.

“And then even when you try to explain your side of the story you end up revealing private health information and opening the government up to a potential bloody court battle. I’d take a sore throat and a week off work any day!” said the political commentator and epidemiology hobbyist. 

When asked about the faintness of Hipkins’ positive test result on his RAT, Felps was suspicious of his testing technique. “Look, that faint line just stinks of someone who’s done a half-hearted nasal swab. If you want a definite positive result on a RAT, you gotta go in real deep up the nostril. A proper brain-tickler”, he graphically described. 

Hipkins was not available for comment, presumably because he was making the most of his time spent luxuriating in his deliciously infectious disease. 

More to come.

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Whakataki Landscaping owner-operator Troy Sullivan has allegedly been in touch with COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins after he demonstrated a seemingly effortless ability to dig himself a colossal hole. 

This follows Hipkins’ mishandling of the Charlotte Bellis MIQ debacle. 

Sullivan, 48, said he’s never seen someone dig themselves such a big hole so efficiently before, and is keen to get Hipkins on the tools as soon as possible. “The guy’s a machine! He’s dug a massive hole just by talking! Imagine what he could do with an excavator!” exclaimed Sullivan.

“To be honest a spade might be all he needs. I’ve got a backlog of jobs to get done and I need an extra pair of hands. The ground’s pretty hard over summer but I don’t think it’d worry this kid, he’s that good!” 

Not only did Hipkins manage to insult pregnant, kiwi, stranded-in-Afghanistan, journo Charlotte Bellis by suggesting she hadn’t taken her MIQ application seriously, he’s also allegedly breached her privacy by publicly revealing details of her consular assistance without her permission.  

Bellis is now considering legal action against the government. 

“Gee what an out-and-out expert hole-digger” sighed Sullivan longingly.

The local landscaper is sure that Hipkins must be looking for work and is confident he can lock him in by the end of the month. “Surely he’s not going to be sticking with the covid stuff for much longer because he clearly just loves digging holes too much. And there’s nothing wrong with that!” he said reassuringly.  

“Come and work for me Chris, I’ll look after ya!” 

More to come. 

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GOOD SAMARITANS.

Wellington-based music events promoters, Bangin’ Beats have booked stranded, pregnant kiwi Charlotte Bellis for a ten date drum and bass tour of New Zealand. The good samaritans made the booking because it is common knowledge that the best way to skip the MIQ queue is to be a DJ. 

Bellis has not been reached for comment yet, but no doubt the journo stuck in the chaotic hell hole that is Afghanistan will be pleased with the promo company’s good deed.

Bangin’ Beats co-owner Tyrone Segaris, 35, said that it was the right thing to do. “As an electronic music promotion company, we have been essentially granted the power to help people skip the MIQ waiting list, and that is a big responsibility”, said the music promoter and all-round good bastard.

“Obviously we’ve had hundreds of stranded kiwis reaching out to us to try and book DJ gigs so they can get back to their home country quicker. And we wish we could book everyone to come and smash out massive drum and bass sets, but sadly that’s not possible.

“We just have to assess each case as it comes. To us it was pretty clear that Charlotte, who’s pregnant and stuck in bloody Afghanistan, deserved a bit of help. Let’s face it, she is in the absolute shit at the moment”, said Segaris. 

Bangin’ Beats said that if you want to support Charlotte too, the best thing to do is buy a ticket. “Her mixing is a bit rough around the edges but she’s got a good selection of bangers to keep the crowd happy”, laughed Segaris.

Bangin’ Beats will announce Charlotte’s tour dates next Monday.

More to come. 

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