GLASS HALF FULL

Hastings man Nathan Cooper, 34, has confirmed he now carries his own craft beer glassware to bars “just in case the venue doesn’t really respect the beer properly”.

Cooper, who works in UX design and owns what friends describe as “an unnecessary amount of tote bags”, says he first began bringing his own glass after being served a Behemoth Brewing hazy IPA in “just a standard bloody pint glass”.

“You lose most of the aroma profile straight away,” Cooper explained while carefully unpacking a tulip-shaped glass from a padded laptop sleeve. “People think it’s pretentious but it’s just about getting the beer the way the brewer intended.”

Witnesses say Cooper now quietly arrives at bars carrying what appears to be “a range of fragile scientific equipment”, before politely asking staff to “just pour directly into this one if that’s all good”.

“I’m actually making things easier for everyone,” Cooper said.

“You’d be surprised how many bars still don’t understand presentation. Some places are serving good beer in glasses designed for like, Lion Red. If that’s your thing fair enough, but certain beers need room to open up.”

Friends say the situation escalated after Cooper began briefly rinsing his own glassware in the bathroom beforehand “to neutralise any foreign detergent aromas”.

“He’s still a good bloke,” said mate Jason Reid.

“But there’s definitely a moment now when the beers arrive and Nathan sort of holds his glass up to the light like he’s checking a urine sample.”

Bar staff across Hawkes Bay have reportedly adapted well to the trend, with several admitting they initially assumed Cooper had some kind of severe allergy.

Cooper told reporters that the only thing he’s allergic to is inappropriate glassware.

“You need the right tool for the right job”.

More to come.

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EVOLVED TASTES

Christchurch man Jason Miller, 36, has confirmed he can no longer “just grab a box” after developing what mates describe as “a fully unnecessary relationship with craft beer”.

Friends say Miller was once known for drinking whatever was cheapest, coldest and closest during his twenties, including Cody’s, Double Browns and VBs from the dairy.

But sometime around 2021, Miller reportedly began using phrases like “a bit more sessionable” and “I’m after something interesting tonight”.

“He used to drink anything,” said longtime mate Aaron Peters.

“Now he stands in front of the craft beer fridge at New World like he’s deciding which university he wants go to.”

Miller denies he’s become difficult, insisting his tastes have simply “evolved a bit”.

“You just get older don’t you,” he explained while holding two different Behemoth four-packs at chest height for comparison.

“You start appreciating quality more. I’m not saying I’m above a standard lager. I just think if I’m gonna drink six beers on the couch while watching YouTube, they may as well have some personality.”

Witnesses say supermarket trips with Miller now take significantly longer than necessary, with the 36-year-old often quietly reading the sides of cans before making a vibe-based decision.

“There’s a lot going on in the beer scene now,” Miller said.

“You’ve got your hazies, your West Coasts, your roasted stouts, your APAs. It’s honestly a good time to be curious.”

Flatmates report Miller also recently began refrigerating specific beers separately “for optimal drinking windows”, despite still consuming them while wearing his same old trackpants with the stain on the front.

“He talks about flavour profiles heaps now,” said flatmate Chris Hall.

“But at the end of the day he’s still sitting there eating chicken tenders and watching UFC highlights on his phone.”

Miller was allegedly last seen spending $22.99 on six cans because “they looked pretty decent actually”.

More to come.

The post Bloke Who Used To Drink Anything Now Apparently Needs “Something Interesting” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CONTENT CREATOR MODE

A Wellington man has confirmed he is currently in the planning phase of launching his own podcast after experiencing what he described as “three genuinely interesting thoughts” over the course of a single weekend.

Daniel Harper, 33, said the ideas came to him while driving home from Mitre 10 and have since developed into what he believes could be a “long form audio exploration platform.”

“I just realised I’ve got a lot to say, you know,” Harper explained. “Not everyone sees things the way I do. There’s nuance there.”

Harper confirmed the thoughts covered modern work culture, why most people misunderstand caffeine, and a loose theory about how carparks reveal societal decline.

“I’m not saying I’ve cracked it,” he said. “But I do think people would benefit from hearing me unpack it properly. Probably in episodes. Forty five minutes minimum.”

Since Saturday, Harper has created a Notes app folder titled ‘Podcast Strategy’, purchased a $189 microphone online, and begun researching whether to call it something minimal like ‘Reflections’ or slightly punchier like ‘Unfiltered’.

His partner, Laura Mitchell, said the planning process has been thorough.

“He’s done a logo mock up already,” Mitchell said. “He hasn’t recorded anything but he’s very clear on the intro music vibe.”

Harper confirmed he is currently deciding whether to position the podcast as culture commentary, self development, or “just honest conversations that need to be had.”

“I don’t want it to be noise,” he said. “There’s already enough noise. This would be signal.”

At this stage, Harper believes the main barrier to launch is “timing”, despite acknowledging he has not yet articulated any of his alleged thoughts in full.

More to come.

The post Man Now In Planning Stage Of Starting His Own Podcast After Having Three Interesting Thoughts appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

REALITY CHECK

A 35-year-old man from Palmerston North has faced a devastating reminder of his own mortality, after a young supermarket cashier didn’t even think to ask for ID while he was buying a six-pack of Behemoth on Friday night.

Tom Richards, a project coordinator who once had a “baby face,” described the moment as “a forceful kick to the mid section.”

“She was about 21, maybe 22, very smiley, very professional,” said Richards, visibly shaken. “But she just beeped the beer through, looked right past me, and said ‘Next please.’ Not even a flicker of doubt that I could be underage. I didn’t even get a chance to reach for my wallet.”

Richards said he tried to rationalise the encounter while bagging his own items. “Maybe she was just in a rush, maybe she thought I already looked responsible. But deep down I know what this means. The face is marked, the skin’s loose… it’s all over.”

He admitted to attempting a casual smirk to seem youthful, but claimed it only made him look “like someone’s creepy uncle.”

Other shoppers confirmed the incident. “Yeah, he looked mid-thirties,” said witness Mel Jenkins. “If anything, he looked like a guy who’s relieved when his toddler finally goes to sleep. You can spot that look a mile away.”

Richards says he still remembers the thrill of being asked for ID in his twenties. “You’d whip it out with a grin, like ‘No worries, here you go.’ Now it’s just… silence. Cold, dead silence.”

He reportedly went home, drank two beers, and stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, softly whispering, “Still got it,” though witnesses suggest he did not, in fact, still have it.

More to come.

The post Bloke’s Heart Sinks As Countdown Cashier Casually Waves Him Through Without ID Or Eye Contact appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

TIME WARP

A 35-year-old plumber and part-time astrophysicist claims he has cracked the mystery of why this week felt so long.

Tim Warren, known among his mates for both fixing leaks and explaining the universe, told reporters that a “small but significant” rift in space and time was responsible for Friday beers arriving later than usual.

“It’s basic relativity,” Warren said confidently, leaning over his pint at Coco’s Bar and Grill on Willeston Street in Wellington. “Time is relative to the observer, right? And when you’ve got a week this slow, it’s like the gravitational pull of Monday is dragging everything backward. Beers on Friday are actually cosmically delayed.”

Warren took another sip of his chosen pint, a Behemoth Brewing “Something Hazy” IPA. “Oh God that’s good. Waited all week for this.”

His drinking companions nodded politely while staring at the menu.

“I swear to you, it’s measurable,” he continued. “Like, on a quantum level, Tuesday and Wednesday were basically the same day. Thursday stretched out for about a month. And now we’re here… finally.”

Warren’s mate Stu admitted that the group had heard Tim’s “space-time beer lag” theory before.

“He’s been going on about it for years,” Stu said, also exhausted by the time-stretched week.  “But you’ve got to admire how much he believes in it. I don’t understand a single thing he’s saying, but I respect the passion.”

Another friend, Dave, said he wasn’t sure about rifts in space and time but agreed this week had been “a marathon” and that Friday beers “had never been more deserved.”

At the time of writing, Warren was drawing diagrams on a coaster to illustrate his theory, despite most of the people around him not listening. 

More to come.

The post Man Says Rift In Space And Time Caused Friday Beers To Take Longer To Get Here This Week appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SOLID STARTING POINT

A Hamilton man has apparently built a complete identity around a Behemoth Brewing t-shirt.

35-year-old Liam Halstead was first spotted wearing the shirt at a friend’s barbecue back in 2022. Since then, he has worn it to six other barbecues, three gigs, a beer festival, one second date, and a job interview.

“It’s not just a shirt,” said Halstead, pulling at the now well-worn collar. “It’s a conversation starter. It says, ‘This guy likes flavour. This guy reads the labels. This guy gets it.’”

Halstead’s friend Jordan Jorgensen says the shirt, which features Behemoth’s cartoon Churly character, has become “a core part of who Liam is”, as he now says things like “I’m a bit of a beer nerd, to be fair”, and that any beverage under 7% is “sessionable”.

“He’s got opinions now,” says Jordan. “Strong ones. About IPAs, yeast strains, and carbonation. It’s exhausting.”

Halstead has reportedly never home-brewed in his life, but is “really good” at talking about people who do. He also refers to Behemoth Brewing as “the boys” despite never having met anyone who works there.

“Behemoth just really aligns with who I am,” said the man, who works in supply chain management and drives a Mazda Demio. “Big flavours and big character, just like me.”

Halstead says the t-shirt has served him well, especially when entering new social environments.

“It just helps people know what they’re dealing with. I’m chill, I’m crafty, I’ve got taste. And I don’t drink anything I can’t describe using the words ‘citrusy’ or ‘resin-forward’.”

Asked if he had any plans to mix things up fashion-wise, Halstead confirmed he had recently purchased a Behemoth hoodie, “for more formal occasions”.

More to come.

The post Local Man Uses Craft Beer Tee Shirt As Foundation For Personality appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CRAFT BEER COUP

Jarryd Coutts, 32, of Wellington is still coming to terms with the fact that he paid just eight New Zealand dollars for a pint of craft beer, which was not from a shaky trestle table in an ageing rugby clubrooms in Tawa, but from a slick central city bar with functioning plumbing and mood lighting.

The pint which has left Coutts stunned was purchased at Churly’s CBD on Willis Street, home of Behemoth Brewing Company, for just $8.

“I thought maybe it was some sort of cruel happy hour prank,” said Coutts, still clutching his Bright As Day IPA like a newborn baby. “But it was real. A proper Behemoth pint. Eight bucks. In Wellington. And not once did the bartender ask if I was a club member or tell me to mind the carpet as well,” said Coutts drinking his beer and knowing his bank account won’t be ruined if he gets a couple more.

“I was walking down Willis and thought, maybe I’ll just grab a dumpling. But then I saw the Behemoth logo. Next thing I know, I’m holding a cold pint of Bright As Day IPA and asking the bartender if he’s made a mistake with the EFTPOS machine.”

Staff at Churly’s confirmed the price is not a mistake, but part of an initiative to make good beer like Behemoth accessible, and also to remind people that you don’t need to trek out to a forgotten clubrooms in Tawa to drink affordably.

“Some people think you need to be surrounded by rugby memorabilia, yellowing walls, and a $2 pool table with one leg shorter than the rest to get a cheap beer,” said duty manager Alex. “We’re just trying to shift that narrative.”

At press time, Coutts was seen calling several mates to share the news, yelling, “It’s not a stitch-up! Eight bucks, bro. Behemoth! Central city! No smell of Deep Heat anywhere! Get down to Churly’s CBD now.”

More to come. 

The post $8 Beer Discovered In Wellington Not In Ageing Rugby Clubrooms appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ORIGINAL THINKING

Will Buckley, 28 from Christchurch, has been struck by a wave of unearned confidence and entrepreneurial spirit after sinking two hazy IPAs at The Good Home in Prebbleton.

Buckley was enjoying a quiet Wednesday afternoon pint with his mate Hayden when the craft beer in his hand inspired a bold new direction for his life.

“Mate, I reckon I could do this,” Buckley declared while squinting at the tasting notes of another delicious IPA pint.

“Honestly, I reckon this could be the start of something huge. How hard can it be?” Buckley said after taking another sip, forgetting that he had already failed at making his own home brew when he was 19.

As the two enjoyed their second and third pints at The Good Home Prebbleton, Will became even more optimistic about brewing his own beer from home.

“How about  Will to Live IPA,” said Will, which was met with an eye roll from his mate Hayden.

According to Hayden, this is not the first time Buckley has attempted to rebrand himself after a couple of drinks.

“This is right up there with the time he wanted to start a kombucha business after drinking one at a vegan café in Sumner,” Hayden said, trying to convince Will of another overly optimistic idea.

“You’ll probably spend a whole lot of money only to make something that tastes like absolute dog shit. 

“How about we just keep enjoying the craft beers at The Good Home for the near future now shall we?”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good people at The Good Home Prebbleton in Prebbleton, Christchurch. 

The post Bloke Out For A Craft Beer Suddenly Has Grand Idea To Start His Own Home Brew appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

And God said, Let there be light, citrus and refreshing IPA.

Worshippers attending St. Gabriel’s Church of the Blessed Lamb and Chapel of Eternal Light, Te Aro, will receive the sacrament in the form of hazy IPA for the first time tonight.

Reverend Father John Molloy explained ‘We needed to replace two senior cardinals and heard that craft beer is a great way to attract preachy men in little hats.’

As well as ‘Blood of Christ’, local microbrewery Pigeonpup have produced a limited range of ales in collaboration with the church including ‘Dirty Font Water’, ‘Ten Plagues’ and ‘Virgin Birth’.

The decision to include IPA in the communion service is part of a wider move to engage the community. 

Communion wafers will be replaced with a fennel and goats cheese flatbread. Plus, Baptism services will henceforth be referred to as a ‘taproom experience’. 

‘We’re trialling a new bottomless edition eucharist in June’, Reverend Father Molloy added. 

Regular churchgoer Jemima Brogan, 21, said ‘The Body of Christ doesn’t come in a vegan option?! Do better.’

Daniel Stewart, 75, said, ‘The blood of Christ transformed into a hazy IPA? That’s so far-fetched- everyone knows it was a fruity pinot noir!’ 

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by NZHL’s most switched on mortgage advisors. Take back control of your current mortgage or get advice on how to get your first home loan.

The post Wellington Communion Service Swaps Red Wine For Limited Run Hazy IPA  appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MUST BE SOMETHING ON

The citizens of Wellington could tell that something was up yesterday, after multiple sightings of confident-looking men walking in groups were reported to authorities.

Janine Pigou, a 39 year old mother of two who regularly uses Wellington’s waterfront on the weekends, immediately sensed there must be an alcohol-based event on at the stadium. 

“I kept seeing these waves of men in their 30s and 40s, all in groups of three or more, loping along the waterfront, talking and laughing loudly,” she said to reporters. 

“The sheer volume and cheerfulness of these lad squadrons told me there must have been something on at the stadium. Something alcohol-based.”

Sure enough after a quick google, Ms Pigou found that none other than Beervana was happening, a popular event that regularly attracts men from around the lower North Island.

“You can tell which ones are the out-of-towners too. No one in Wellington is that outwardly happy,” she said after paying $6.50 for her takeaway flat white. 

“Leave it to Beervana to activate hordes of men, young and old, with an unearned level of self-confidence. There’s only one thing on their minds.” 

Janine then had to cut the interview short as she hurriedly ushered her children away from a man offering people high-fives. 

More to come. 

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The post Beervana Activates Hordes Of Men Confidently Swaggering Through Central Wellington appeared first on The Whakataki Times.