REALITY CHECK

A 35-year-old man from Palmerston North has faced a devastating reminder of his own mortality, after a young supermarket cashier didn’t even think to ask for ID while he was buying a six-pack of Behemoth on Friday night.

Tom Richards, a project coordinator who once had a “baby face,” described the moment as “a forceful kick to the mid section.”

“She was about 21, maybe 22, very smiley, very professional,” said Richards, visibly shaken. “But she just beeped the beer through, looked right past me, and said ‘Next please.’ Not even a flicker of doubt that I could be underage. I didn’t even get a chance to reach for my wallet.”

Richards said he tried to rationalise the encounter while bagging his own items. “Maybe she was just in a rush, maybe she thought I already looked responsible. But deep down I know what this means. The face is marked, the skin’s loose… it’s all over.”

He admitted to attempting a casual smirk to seem youthful, but claimed it only made him look “like someone’s creepy uncle.”

Other shoppers confirmed the incident. “Yeah, he looked mid-thirties,” said witness Mel Jenkins. “If anything, he looked like a guy who’s relieved when his toddler finally goes to sleep. You can spot that look a mile away.”

Richards says he still remembers the thrill of being asked for ID in his twenties. “You’d whip it out with a grin, like ‘No worries, here you go.’ Now it’s just… silence. Cold, dead silence.”

He reportedly went home, drank two beers, and stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, softly whispering, “Still got it,” though witnesses suggest he did not, in fact, still have it.

More to come.

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TIME WARP

A 35-year-old plumber and part-time astrophysicist claims he has cracked the mystery of why this week felt so long.

Tim Warren, known among his mates for both fixing leaks and explaining the universe, told reporters that a “small but significant” rift in space and time was responsible for Friday beers arriving later than usual.

“It’s basic relativity,” Warren said confidently, leaning over his pint at Coco’s Bar and Grill on Willeston Street in Wellington. “Time is relative to the observer, right? And when you’ve got a week this slow, it’s like the gravitational pull of Monday is dragging everything backward. Beers on Friday are actually cosmically delayed.”

Warren took another sip of his chosen pint, a Behemoth Brewing “Something Hazy” IPA. “Oh God that’s good. Waited all week for this.”

His drinking companions nodded politely while staring at the menu.

“I swear to you, it’s measurable,” he continued. “Like, on a quantum level, Tuesday and Wednesday were basically the same day. Thursday stretched out for about a month. And now we’re here… finally.”

Warren’s mate Stu admitted that the group had heard Tim’s “space-time beer lag” theory before.

“He’s been going on about it for years,” Stu said, also exhausted by the time-stretched week.  “But you’ve got to admire how much he believes in it. I don’t understand a single thing he’s saying, but I respect the passion.”

Another friend, Dave, said he wasn’t sure about rifts in space and time but agreed this week had been “a marathon” and that Friday beers “had never been more deserved.”

At the time of writing, Warren was drawing diagrams on a coaster to illustrate his theory, despite most of the people around him not listening. 

More to come.

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SOLID STARTING POINT

A Hamilton man has apparently built a complete identity around a Behemoth Brewing t-shirt.

35-year-old Liam Halstead was first spotted wearing the shirt at a friend’s barbecue back in 2022. Since then, he has worn it to six other barbecues, three gigs, a beer festival, one second date, and a job interview.

“It’s not just a shirt,” said Halstead, pulling at the now well-worn collar. “It’s a conversation starter. It says, ‘This guy likes flavour. This guy reads the labels. This guy gets it.’”

Halstead’s friend Jordan Jorgensen says the shirt, which features Behemoth’s cartoon Churly character, has become “a core part of who Liam is”, as he now says things like “I’m a bit of a beer nerd, to be fair”, and that any beverage under 7% is “sessionable”.

“He’s got opinions now,” says Jordan. “Strong ones. About IPAs, yeast strains, and carbonation. It’s exhausting.”

Halstead has reportedly never home-brewed in his life, but is “really good” at talking about people who do. He also refers to Behemoth Brewing as “the boys” despite never having met anyone who works there.

“Behemoth just really aligns with who I am,” said the man, who works in supply chain management and drives a Mazda Demio. “Big flavours and big character, just like me.”

Halstead says the t-shirt has served him well, especially when entering new social environments.

“It just helps people know what they’re dealing with. I’m chill, I’m crafty, I’ve got taste. And I don’t drink anything I can’t describe using the words ‘citrusy’ or ‘resin-forward’.”

Asked if he had any plans to mix things up fashion-wise, Halstead confirmed he had recently purchased a Behemoth hoodie, “for more formal occasions”.

More to come.

The post Local Man Uses Craft Beer Tee Shirt As Foundation For Personality appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CRAFT BEER COUP

Jarryd Coutts, 32, of Wellington is still coming to terms with the fact that he paid just eight New Zealand dollars for a pint of craft beer, which was not from a shaky trestle table in an ageing rugby clubrooms in Tawa, but from a slick central city bar with functioning plumbing and mood lighting.

The pint which has left Coutts stunned was purchased at Churly’s CBD on Willis Street, home of Behemoth Brewing Company, for just $8.

“I thought maybe it was some sort of cruel happy hour prank,” said Coutts, still clutching his Bright As Day IPA like a newborn baby. “But it was real. A proper Behemoth pint. Eight bucks. In Wellington. And not once did the bartender ask if I was a club member or tell me to mind the carpet as well,” said Coutts drinking his beer and knowing his bank account won’t be ruined if he gets a couple more.

“I was walking down Willis and thought, maybe I’ll just grab a dumpling. But then I saw the Behemoth logo. Next thing I know, I’m holding a cold pint of Bright As Day IPA and asking the bartender if he’s made a mistake with the EFTPOS machine.”

Staff at Churly’s confirmed the price is not a mistake, but part of an initiative to make good beer like Behemoth accessible, and also to remind people that you don’t need to trek out to a forgotten clubrooms in Tawa to drink affordably.

“Some people think you need to be surrounded by rugby memorabilia, yellowing walls, and a $2 pool table with one leg shorter than the rest to get a cheap beer,” said duty manager Alex. “We’re just trying to shift that narrative.”

At press time, Coutts was seen calling several mates to share the news, yelling, “It’s not a stitch-up! Eight bucks, bro. Behemoth! Central city! No smell of Deep Heat anywhere! Get down to Churly’s CBD now.”

More to come. 

The post $8 Beer Discovered In Wellington Not In Ageing Rugby Clubrooms appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ORIGINAL THINKING

Will Buckley, 28 from Christchurch, has been struck by a wave of unearned confidence and entrepreneurial spirit after sinking two hazy IPAs at The Good Home in Prebbleton.

Buckley was enjoying a quiet Wednesday afternoon pint with his mate Hayden when the craft beer in his hand inspired a bold new direction for his life.

“Mate, I reckon I could do this,” Buckley declared while squinting at the tasting notes of another delicious IPA pint.

“Honestly, I reckon this could be the start of something huge. How hard can it be?” Buckley said after taking another sip, forgetting that he had already failed at making his own home brew when he was 19.

As the two enjoyed their second and third pints at The Good Home Prebbleton, Will became even more optimistic about brewing his own beer from home.

“How about  Will to Live IPA,” said Will, which was met with an eye roll from his mate Hayden.

According to Hayden, this is not the first time Buckley has attempted to rebrand himself after a couple of drinks.

“This is right up there with the time he wanted to start a kombucha business after drinking one at a vegan café in Sumner,” Hayden said, trying to convince Will of another overly optimistic idea.

“You’ll probably spend a whole lot of money only to make something that tastes like absolute dog shit. 

“How about we just keep enjoying the craft beers at The Good Home for the near future now shall we?”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good people at The Good Home Prebbleton in Prebbleton, Christchurch. 

The post Bloke Out For A Craft Beer Suddenly Has Grand Idea To Start His Own Home Brew appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

And God said, Let there be light, citrus and refreshing IPA.

Worshippers attending St. Gabriel’s Church of the Blessed Lamb and Chapel of Eternal Light, Te Aro, will receive the sacrament in the form of hazy IPA for the first time tonight.

Reverend Father John Molloy explained ‘We needed to replace two senior cardinals and heard that craft beer is a great way to attract preachy men in little hats.’

As well as ‘Blood of Christ’, local microbrewery Pigeonpup have produced a limited range of ales in collaboration with the church including ‘Dirty Font Water’, ‘Ten Plagues’ and ‘Virgin Birth’.

The decision to include IPA in the communion service is part of a wider move to engage the community. 

Communion wafers will be replaced with a fennel and goats cheese flatbread. Plus, Baptism services will henceforth be referred to as a ‘taproom experience’. 

‘We’re trialling a new bottomless edition eucharist in June’, Reverend Father Molloy added. 

Regular churchgoer Jemima Brogan, 21, said ‘The Body of Christ doesn’t come in a vegan option?! Do better.’

Daniel Stewart, 75, said, ‘The blood of Christ transformed into a hazy IPA? That’s so far-fetched- everyone knows it was a fruity pinot noir!’ 

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by NZHL’s most switched on mortgage advisors. Take back control of your current mortgage or get advice on how to get your first home loan.

The post Wellington Communion Service Swaps Red Wine For Limited Run Hazy IPA  appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MUST BE SOMETHING ON

The citizens of Wellington could tell that something was up yesterday, after multiple sightings of confident-looking men walking in groups were reported to authorities.

Janine Pigou, a 39 year old mother of two who regularly uses Wellington’s waterfront on the weekends, immediately sensed there must be an alcohol-based event on at the stadium. 

“I kept seeing these waves of men in their 30s and 40s, all in groups of three or more, loping along the waterfront, talking and laughing loudly,” she said to reporters. 

“The sheer volume and cheerfulness of these lad squadrons told me there must have been something on at the stadium. Something alcohol-based.”

Sure enough after a quick google, Ms Pigou found that none other than Beervana was happening, a popular event that regularly attracts men from around the lower North Island.

“You can tell which ones are the out-of-towners too. No one in Wellington is that outwardly happy,” she said after paying $6.50 for her takeaway flat white. 

“Leave it to Beervana to activate hordes of men, young and old, with an unearned level of self-confidence. There’s only one thing on their minds.” 

Janine then had to cut the interview short as she hurriedly ushered her children away from a man offering people high-fives. 

More to come. 

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The post Beervana Activates Hordes Of Men Confidently Swaggering Through Central Wellington appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

OOH THAT’S HOPPY

35 year old Hayden Carson put his friends through the ringer yesterday afternoon, when he inevitably got onto his favourite topic of discussion – craft beer.

The graphic designer from Wellington was visiting some university friends in Christchurch, where they enjoyed a few brews at The Good Home in Wigram.

“Hate to say it, but even though it’s gone so commercial, it’s still hard to beat a Supercharger ay?” he asked our reporters, who nodded along obediently.

“Just the right amount of hoppiness to it, and you can still pick up the other more subtle tones.

“I was at a little micro brewery in the Aro valley last week, you wouldn’t have heard of it. Super unique flavours in their hazy. I’ll send you a  link to their page,” he boasted, trying to generate as much cultural capital as he possibly could.

Carson’s agitated friend Darren, who witnessed the display, managed to stay calm during his ordeal.

“This is classic Hayden, beer is his thing now. He’s got the beard, the glasses and the tattoos – at this point it would be weird if he wasn’t really into craft beer,” explained Darren as he enjoyed his own Supercharger without giving a verbal analysis.

“Just nod along and let him have his moment.”

The beer connoisseur then interrupted to verbally appreciate the venue. “This place has a cool vibe, The Good Home right? Christchurch actually has a really cool vibe these days, it’s kinda like what Wellington used to be,” said Carson without prompting.

Carson then went on to punish the on-duty bar tender by demanding a free taste of several other beers.

More to come.

This story was brought to you by the good people at The Good Home restaurant and bar, in Wigram, Christchurch. 

The post Man Describes Flavours He’s Detecting In Craft Beer Whether Friends Want To Hear It Or Not appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MONDAY MODERATION

A Christchurch man made history at The Good Home restaurant and bar today.

After agreeing to come out for a Monday night beer to catch up with an old work colleague, 30 year old Ryan Andrews knew he was putting his Tuesday morning at risk, along with his wallet. 

“I was prepared for the worst to be honest. The plan on a Monday is always to ‘have a couple’ at The Good Home, and then simply return home by 8 o’clock,” he said, as if this was something that was easily achievable. 

“Previously, that plan has never once been followed through to completion” said Andrews. 

However this time, the stars must have aligned with a blue moon, because the project manager and his former workmate Gabe were able to meet at 5.30, buy one round each, which they drank at a comfortable pace, before they each arrived home to their partners at 7.45 pm.  

“It was like we were middle distance runners running a perfectly timed 1500. It was a sight to behold.”

Alcohol expert Jared Neemia says this is a rare result, and could be a first for patrons of The Good Home. 

“Men meeting for a beer and staying for the pre-agreed duration has been known to happen from time to time, however it is still very rare,” he said. 

“For this particular bar in Wigram though I think this is the first time it’s ever happened. 

Andrews alleges that he then “finished off the perfect operation” by picking up a Whitakers creamy milk on the way home, delivering it to his wife Gen, who asked minimal questions.   

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good people at The Good Home restaurant and bar, in Wigram, Christchurch. 

The post Man Has Two Midweek Craft Beers And Goes Home At Reasonable Hour appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

LEGIT QUESTION

Tim Jones doesn’t usually mind getting the first round of drinks for his best mate Sam.

However at a quaint bar on Wellington’s Lambton Quay, Tim nearly had a mild stroke when the bartender pushed the EFTPOS machine towards him, as it proudly displayed the amount to pay as $29.00.

Staring at the two golden looking hazy IPA’s he just ordered, he thought there’d been some sort of mistake, or that the bartender thought he ordered three in total.

“Ahh. $29? Is that right?” he asked sheepishly, not confident that there was $29 in his bank account.

“Yep, they’re $14.50 each. Quite a strong percentage these ones,” the bartender said, in an attempt to justify the daylight robbery.

“Do you guys take Afterpay?” 

“No. We don’t even take PayWave. Do you know your pin?”

As the bartender accepted his traditional form of payment, Tim couldn’t help but mutter..

“Looks like my plan to pay off a couple of beers in four instalments will have to wait. They’d better give me a good hit.”

More to come. 

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