I AM YOUR WORLD!

Parents, Sammie and Will, love their 2-year-old, Millie, but have become increasingly frustrated by her devious attempts to derail their rare date nights.

The young parents say their prodigious child has single handedly scheduled major medical emergencies and minor natural disasters, all in an effort to prevent them from giving attention to something, or someone, other than her.

An exasperated Sammie explained, “the first time we tried going to the movies, there was an outbreak of gastro that affected all the local movie theatres. We couldn’t believe it.”

But then, Will said, it happened again: “The following week we thought we’d try our luck at the theatre, but the whole place flooded five minutes before doors opened!”

It was on their fifth attempt at date night that the couple started to believe a greater force was at play. According to Sammie, “we knew by the third gastro plague that this was no coincidence. It was obvious Millie had something to do with this.”

Millie, they say, was a miracle baby whose life was the greatest blessing they ever received. They feel only she could be capable of instigating such diverse and devious diversions to derail date night.

Millie agrees.

Speaking to the Whakataki Times via a toddler translator, Millie claims to be “the world leading block stacker and puzzle solver” as well as “the best baby born on earth,” not to mention “this universe’s most beloved human.”

It was a logical next step, she says, to step into “social deviant, ruiner of lives.”

She admits, however, that not all her parents’ cancelled plans were her doing. The second gastro outburst, Millie says, was due to some cross contamination in the movie theatre’s popcorn machine. But she claimed the victory regardless.

“I am literally their world. Their world is nothing without me. If they try to leave me, they mustn’t expect anything good to come of it.”

More to come.

The post Toddler Plans Medical Emergency, Minor Disaster, To Coincide With Mum And Dads’ Date Nights appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MUSCLE MEMORY

A Palmerston North man has confirmed that despite not touching a calculator in nearly two decades, his body still instinctively remembers the exact sequence required to spell “BOOBIES” upside down.

The incident occurred Tuesday evening after 34-year-old Ryan Fletcher discovered an old Casio calculator while cleaning out an oversized Sistema container in his garage.

According to Fletcher, the device still had enough battery life to perform what he described as “the only calculation he regularly referred back to.”

“I didn’t even have to think about it,” said Fletcher, holding the calculator like it was an artefact found at some archaeological dig. “I turned it on, typed 5318008, flipped it upside down and just started grinning at it, with no one around me.”

Fletcher said the move felt “completely automatic,” comparing it to riding a bike or backing out of a very familiar driveway.

“You spend all of intermediate trying to get the biggest possible reaction from any and all boys that may be nearby. This knowledge is going to stay in my brain for life.”

He admitted he briefly considered showing his wife before deciding the inevitable eye roll wouldn’t actually be worth the effort. 

Friends who later heard about the discovery were reportedly unsurprised.

“Makes sense that Ryan remembers calculator boobies but forgets literally any important password,” said mate Josh McKenzie. “If civilisation collapsed tomorrow, the rebuild would be very difficult but I think men would still find a way to write boobs on things.”

Fletcher reportedly also attempted to spell other words on his newly discovered Casio, but was never able to out-do the GOAT.

More to come.

The post Local Bloke Finds Old Calculator And Immediately Types “5318008” Like He’s In Intermediate Again appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

PRESSURE RELEASE

An Upper Hutt dad was spotted roaming his property curiously this weekend after successfully waterblasting his deck and immediately needing something else to do.

35 year old father of two, Matt O’Connor, received a brand new Karcher waterblaster from Mitre 10 for Christmas and has since described the experience as “deeply grounding” and “possibly the best thing he’s done all year”.

Matt started the morning with the tangible goal of waterblasting the deck. This was the deck that had not been cleaned properly since “maybe before the kids were born”, but was brought back to life in just under two hours.

“There’s something about seeing the grime lift off in real time,” Matt said, pausing to admire his work. “You don’t get that kind of feedback at work. Or at home. This just does what it’s supposed to do.”

The deck is scheduled to be stained later in the week in what Matt described as “a tasteful kwila colour”, which he did not mention had been pre-chosen by wife Katie.

With the deck complete, Matt found himself pacing the backyard slowly, waterblaster wand still in hand, scanning the perimeter for his next project.

“You start noticing things,” he said. “That fence is looking a bit tired. Driveway’s got some dark patches. Outdoor table could probably use a hit. I’m not saying it needs it. I’m just saying it wouldn’t hurt.”

Matt says the combination of productive noise, visible results and uninterrupted listening time has been good for his mental health.

“Mostly listening to stuff on evolutionary psychology, which is really intersting,” he said. “Couldn’t tell you much about it right now but it’s all sinking in.”

As the afternoon wore on, Matt could be seen dragging the hose further across the lawn, eyes narrowing at the concrete driveway.

“I’m not saying I’ll do it today,” he said. “But I like knowing it’s an option.”

More to come. 

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