PROBLEM SOLVED

An Upper Hutt man has taken bold and decisive action to fix his long-standing struggle with gym motivation.

31-year-old Aaron Manners, a long-time CityFitness member and short-time CityFitness attender, says he’s finally “cracked the code” when it comes to exercise, discipline, and the eternal search for a reason to leave the house.

“I just realised that all these years I’ve been looking at the situation wrong. It’s not the motivation to go to the gym that’s the problem. It’s the gym itself!” he said euphorically, sitting at home in his trackpants. 

“Imagine paying for a gym membership each week and not using the facilities you’re paying for. The simple solution is to stop paying for them.”

In what he described as “a moment of rare clarity,” Manners logged on to the CityFitness website, found the contact email, and fired off a very polite request to terminate his membership, effective July when his 12-month obligation ends.

“It was a huge weight off my shoulders,” he beamed, having not lifted any actual weights in several months. “I just said, ‘Here’s my member number, please cancel me.’ Boom. Problem solved. No more guilt every time I drive past the place on the way to pick up dinner.”

The self-styled finance guy went on to explain the benefits of his new approach.

“Eight bucks a week I’m saving now. That’s over $400 a year — imagine the investments I could make with that,” he said, before immediately declining to elaborate. Observers later reported seeing Manners browsing the Domino’s Pizza app and muttering something about “those lava cakes being on special again.”

Manners says he’s feeling more empowered than ever, and is considering applying the same strategy to other areas of his life, such as laundry and dating.

“Sometimes you’ve just got to know when to walk away from a challenge. Or better yet, cancel it via email,” he said proudly.

More to come. 

The post Man Proudly Solves Gym Motivation Issue By Cancelling Membership Entirely appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BOY MATH

Daniel McCafferty has once again demonstrated his world-class financial priorities.

The 31 year-old recently balked at a $60 grocery bill before promptly forking out double that amount on a Friday night session with the boys.

“I just don’t get how groceries are so expensive these days,” McCafferty was overheard saying to his mates at a rundown Christchurch pub, before seamlessly transitioning into, “Yeah, nah, get us another pint of that hazy, bro. May as well make a night of it.”

McCafferty was seen at the checkout of his local Pak’nSave earlier this week, grimacing as the total climbed past $50. After a lengthy internal debate about whether he really needed both bread and milk, he begrudgingly paid the $60, muttering about how “this cost of living crisis is a joke.”

However, just three nights later, McCafferty displayed no such financial hesitation, ordering his third round of craft beers and a $22 portion of fries “for the table” without so much as a second thought.

“I work hard, so I deserve a few cold ones,” he reasoned, despite having earlier rejected a $5 bottle of olive oil as “a bit of a rip-off.” 

He then asked the bar staff if he could take out $20 cash for the pokies, adding, “A little flutter once in a while can’t hurt, can it?”

More to come. 

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The post Local Bloke Can’t Justify Spending $60 on Groceries, But Happily Spends $120 on Friday Night Piss-Up appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

UP THE WAHS 

While some financial analysts and everyday New Zealanders are eager to praise today’s Reserve Bank OCR cut, there’s an undeniable sentiment on the streets.

With 50 basis points slashed off the OCR today, which could stimulate growth in NZ, one thing is still lacking: confidence in betting on the Warriors at the TAB.

“Look, the economy’s great and all, but when it comes to betting on the Warriors, I’m keeping my money in my wallet,” said one anonymous punter, who spoke exclusively to The Whakataki Times.

“I’ve seen these guys get my hopes up higher than my mortgage repayments. It’s like they’re on their own official cash rate, and it’s all over the place.”

The Warriors are set to play in just a couple of weeks time in their NRL season opener against The Raiders. Many fans are still scarred from past seasons of near-glory followed by spectacular failure, causing a continual cautious approach to taking a punt on them early on.

“The Reserve Bank’s cutting rates, but they’re not cutting the heartbreak felt when the Warriors regularly blow a 16 point half time lead. I’d prefer to avoid punting on them at all costs.”

More to come. 

The post Business Confidence Improves But Confidence In Betting On The Warriors Remains Steadily Low appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHAT?!

Palmerston North local, Hayden Cutts has revealed that he holds the shocking belief that he can be financially successful in New Zealand instead of Australia. 

The 19 year old building apprentice is going against a very gritty grain by having a positive view of his country’s future. Hayden took a break from the weekend hours he had picked up to talk to reporters.

“Ha I actually like my job. I’m learning lots. My boss says I’m doing well and I’ll move up the chain in the next couple of years,” he said, ignoring the looks of horror on the faces of nearby New Zealanders. 

Hayden’s long term view is to stay in the country and eventually become a master builder with his own company. He acknowledged the attractiveness of Australia for many young men like himself, but took a balanced view. 

“Yep, lots of money to be made in Aussie for sure. But the downside to that is you actually have to live in Australia. I’d have to find a whole new group of friends and they’d probably all be Australian,” said Hayden while wincing at the thought of it. 

“There’s money to be made here, you just have to work for it. Do it for the country!” he laughed.

Hayden has naturally upset friends and family alike by not moving to Perth to do mining. His cousin Damian had somehow become angry about the whole situation.

“Oh Hayden’s an idiot. He’s a hard worker so it’s actually just weird that he’s not moving to Australia to make way more money. What’s he even up to?” he asked dismissively.

“My mate Aaron’s over there making shitloads working as a cleaner! Says he does farrk all and usually gets to go home early and start drinking. I’m moving over there in March!

Damian believes Hayden’s been listening to too much of the financial literacy podcast “Keep the Change”. 

“Meanwhile bloody Hayden keeps talking about ‘adding value’ and ‘investing in himself’ like he’s bloody Luke Kemeys. Just move to Aussie ya dumb c***!”

As Damian trailed off to continue scrolling Tiktok, Hayden cut the interview short to go and add more value to the country. 

More to come. 

The post Ambitious Young New Zealander Shocks Nation By Not Moving To Australia appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

TO EAT, OR BINGE?

Amanda Peacock’s stomach is grumbling this evening after she decided that another episode of ‘Missing You’ was worth missing a meal. 

The 28-year-old Junior Account Manager found herself in the uncomfortable situation of choosing between calories and content when her mum declared earlier today that the daily Netflix account had to go.

“It was a pretty unfair move by mum. She knew I was only three episodes into the season,” Peacock lamented.

With only $19.20 in her account before payday, and a fridge stacked almost entirely with empty condiment bottles, Peacock was forced to decide whether to purchase her own Netflix subscription to carry on her new favourite show, or to buy food to get her through to Thursday.

The choice for Peacock was difficult, but obvious.

“I obviously am hungry, but I can only eat when there’s a show on. So obviously, even though I could have had food, I wouldn’t have been able to eat it unless I had Netflix to play in the background. Obviously.”

Raising her voice over the sound of her growling stomach, Peacock reassured the Whakataki Times that she had made the right decision.

“I’ll binge on ‘Missing You’ and I won’t even notice that I’m even hungry.”

When asked whether she had considered waiting until payday to subscribe for Netflix, and buying food in the interim, Peacock simply chewed on her fingernails and gazed into the distance.

More to come.

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The post Woman Forced To Choose Between Subscriptions And Sustenance As Mum Cancels Netflix appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

33-year-old Matt Johnson has again found himself in a state of pure elation as he realised he wouldn’t have to beg, borrow, or steal access to his parents’ SkyGo account to watch the Blackcaps tonight.

Johnson, who is used to asking his parents or one of three brothers for the password, was stoked to find out that the ODI matches against Sri Lanka are free to air on TVNZ and will continue to be for the near future.

This meant Matt could finally escape the clutches of his SkyGo dependency and relish the sweet taste of televised cricket without taking desperate measures.

“How good is this?” Johnson said, firing up his TV without having to login to a SkyGo account, which was often being used by one of his siblings.

Matt’s usual routine involved juggling the conflicting schedules of his three brothers, each vying for control of the coveted SkyGo account to catch their favourite sports events.

“Oh, anytime I want to watch a game I’ve had to fight my brothers for it. This just solves so many problems.”

“Hopefully this lasts for a while. Like the old days!

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post “I’m My Own Man Now”: Local Bloke Enjoys Free To Air Cricket Without Tapping Into Parents’ SkyGo Account appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DAYLIGHT ROBBERY

Shaun McHardy pretended not to feel emotionally gutted by the transaction he made today. 

The 33 year-old MBIE employee had just shelled out $19 for a single pint of Panhead Supercharger on Lambton Quay. In an attempt to make his Friday evening run as smoothly as possible, he then proceeded to pretend he was okay with being politely robbed by the woman serving him. 

“I barely registered the bartender’s words when she told me the price,” McHardy explained as the blood inside him began to boil. 

“She just flipped the Eftpos machine around with this blank look, like it was a perfectly reasonable number. And without thinking, I just tapped my card. Just like that. Nineteen dollars gone, and for what? Four sips and a bit of foam.”

McHardy attempted to pull off a relaxed expression as he waited for the payment to process, forcing himself to chat casually with his coworkers. It was a big ask to hide the pain of the equivalent of a micro-loan being withdrawn from his account

One colleague, Jason Stevens, noticed a fleeting look of horror in McHardy’s eyes but assumed he was just thinking about his workload ahead of next week.

“He kept nodding along with our conversation, but I saw him glance down at his glass several times, like he was trying to figure out some kind of riddle.”

Shaun then explained how he really felt to our reporters as he sipped his beer slowly in a vain attempt to avoid paying for another one.

 “I kept telling myself, ‘You’re paying for the ambiance, Shaun. You’re supporting the local economy.’ But honestly, all I could think about was my net worth being chipped away.”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Wellington Man Buys $19 Beer And Pretends Everything Is Fine appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

YUP TO THE CUP 

Wellington woman Rosie Neilson, 26, experienced a miraculous ethical transformation this afternoon.

The part time virtue signaller had spent the morning on social media, posting a series of impassioned tweets about today’s Melbourne Cup, with the hashtag #NupToTheCup, to people in her echo chamber.

“Money over morals! Showcasing extreme drunkenness, gambling and animal cruelty just for entertainment?” one Tweet read, quickly followed by “Do people think it’s okay to drink irresponsibly and glamourise the abuse of animals? Do better. #NupToTheCup ”

However soon after 5 pm, the Aro Valley resident changed her tune after learning her boyfriend Kade landed the boxed trifecta, instantly pocketing a few thousand dollars. Knight’s Choice won the great race, meaning she would benefit directly from the exact event she had been against.

“Look, I still care about animal welfare, alright? But this is basically life-changing money,” said Neilson as she excitedly scrolled through Airbnbs in Bali. 

“It’s not like they can undo the race now, anyway,” she concluded, also liking her boyfriend’s post on Facebook celebrating their monetary gain from gambling.

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Local Woman Instantly Forgets About Animal Welfare After Boyfriend’s Trifecta Comes In appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MORE THAN THE BOTTLE ITSELF

Chris Gibbons clearly hasn’t been out in a while.

The 35 year-old from Christchurch, who was initially upbeat about going to a midweek birthday BYO, was in for a shock at how much corkage would be for the cheap bottle of wine he was bringing. 

“I’m assuming corkage will be a couple of bucks, like back in 2010 when I was in Wellington,” explained Gibbons, who has struggled in recent years to get invites to such events.

Gibbons, who hadn’t set foot in a BYO since his early 20s, was blissfully unaware that the price of corkage had skyrocketed. Upon arrival at the authentic Thai restaurant where his mate had made a reservation, he was immediately confronted with a grim reality. 

“The waitress just casually mentioned it—‘Corkage is $10 per bottle, sir’—as if she wasn’t basically robbing me at gunpoint.”

Despite his initial shock, Gibbons tried to keep his composure. After all, it was his friend’s birthday, and he didn’t want to be the guy who made a scene over a $10 corkage fee.

“I mean, we’re bringing the wine ourselves, right? Isn’t that supposed to save us money?” Gibbons ranted to our reporters.

“It’s not like they’re doing anything special with it! They just open the bottle and hand us some small cheap wine glasses! The corkage is literally more than the bottle itself! ”

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The post 35 Year-Old Going To BYO Destined To Be Upset By The Price Of Corkage appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ECONOMIC OUTLOOK IS GOOD

With all the economic doom and gloom in New Zealand and the world right now, there is one part of society that is bucking the trend – New Zealand sports clubs. 

With Wellington beer pint prices in trendy pubs and clubs ranging from $11 to $17 generally, sports clubrooms around the country are taking an axe to inflation, with drink prices remaining in the single digits. 

Jack Brand from Wellington’s Northern United football club said that the club is doing all it can to thwart the Reserve Bank. 

“They’ll tell you they did what they needed to do during the pandemic, but all they’ve done is kick the can down the road,” he said. 

“We’re here to kick the can straight back, into the back of the net. Top bins,” said Brand using a striker’s football analogy. 

Brand explained how his social football club, which always runs at a loss, is doing something to defeat inflation on a national scale. 

“Hey, if people drink more at clubrooms across the country, and not drinking in ridiculous bars as much, it’ll force their hands to bring prices down,” he said knowingly while tapping his forehead. 

“People power in action”.

Brand sat back contentedly, surrounded by a few team mates on this particular day, pointing out some of the decorations in his club’s clubrooms. 

“Look, the atmosphere is different and the last time this place was redecorated was the late nineties,” he admitted. 

“But tough times call for extreme measures and hard times create strong men.”

Brand would not comment further on Northern United’s financial position. 

More to come. 

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