COMMENTS OPEN

Tauranga’s Keith Williams, 72, has confirmed he has successfully transitioned his long-standing habit of formally complaining to the Broadcasting Standards Authority into what he is calling a “more direct channel.”

The discovery comes following news that the BSA is set to be disestablished, leaving Keith briefly unsure where he would direct his concerns about what he describes as “bloody inappropriate content” on New Zealand television.

“I used to sit down, draft something up, maybe sleep on it, then send it through the proper channels,” says Williams. “Now that the BSA’s disappearing I’ve had to do my duty a different way, which is actually much faster. I can get on Facebook while the ad’s still playing and tell the right people to pull their heads in.”

Keith says the shift has allowed him to respond in real time to issues such as suggestive burger commercials, confusing bank ads and free to air cricket games “being commentated by a bunch of puerile bloody idiots.”

“You see something dodgy or ridiculous, you pause the TV, grab your phone and bang, you’re in the comments,” he explains. “Nine times out of ten someone else has already kicked off about it, so you just add your bit. It’s a good community system.”

Williams says he particularly enjoys the ability to engage directly with others who are equally concerned, often escalating matters well beyond the original issue.

“Next thing you know you’re talking about bloody Jacinda and the decline of society as a whole,” he says. “That wouldn’t happen through a formal complaint form.”

Local friend and occasional viewing companion Steve Rata says Keith has taken to the new platform like a duck to water.

“Before he was spending half an hour writing a complaint, but now he’s doing five or six posts a night, while also getting into angry exchanges with total strangers,” says Rata. “He’s way more productive, to be honest.”

Williams was last seen drafting a Facebook comment about an ad for women’s sanitary products, noting he was “just asking questions” and expecting “a decent response.”

More to come.

The post Regular Complainer To The BSA Discovers He Can Also Cry About Things On Facebook appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FEED FAVOURITE

Auckland company exec Doug Sinclair has generated a fair bit of buzz for his Instagram skills and his eye for talent. 

Sources have told our reporters that every time Instagram suggests a good-looking female influencer, Doug’s name seems to appear in the “followed by” section. 

“It’s beyond uncanny,” says one colleague of Doug’s. “He spends his days managing a modest team of 15 in central Auckland, but the second a model, dancer, cheerleader or fitness influencer posts anything, Doug’s there first, liking the post and almost always dropping a fire emoji in the comments.”

The irony is Doug hasn’t had any experience in modelling, dancing, cheerleading or fitness. He just has a comprehensive portfolio of experts from those arenas in his Instagram..

Doug’s personal Instagram feed mainly features photos of his wife, three kids and golf courses around New Zealand. He has also posted pictures of classic cars and scenic vistas, often with a beverage in the foreground.

Despite the online activity where he seems to attempt to connect with women half his age, coworkers say Sinclair keeps a fairly conventional offline presence.

“He’s still very much ‘dad at Bunnings on a Saturday,’” one colleague said. “Golf, family photos, the occasional sunset with a beer in the foreground. Then you check his likes and it’s like a completely different personality has taken over.

“I assume Doug’s wife hasn’t seen his Instagram activity?”

Doug was unavailable for comment.

More to come.

The post 52-Year-Old Middle Manager Struggling to Explain Instagram Feed Full of Influencers Half His Age appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NO INFLUENCE

A generically attractive woman who three years ago decided to re-invent herself as a fit, spiritual, healthy person returned home from her run this morning with her aura feeling decidedly un zen.

32 year old Sophie Todd likes nothing more than being out on a joyful Sunday morning 10k, getting the blood flowing and enjoying the fresh air. 

And although these are the official reasons she gives for loving a Sunday morning run, what she really likes is seeing losers doing their walks of shame while she’s out virtuously exercising and looking great. 

Approximately 2 years ago the former party girl was scrolling through the legions of women who were somehow making money by simply doing exercise, eating smoothies and wearing tight fitting, expensive activewear.

Sophie was at a crossroads in life, and after 8 years of punching the clock in semi-real jobs like marketing and real estate, she realised she wasn’t cut out for actual work. 

In the 18 months since, she has built her insta following to 25,037, using the tried and true formula of thirst traps posing as workout videos, uplifting motivational phrases against a backdrop of water or sunsets, and pics of strange looking nuts and fruit that she blends into a juice.

But after all her hard work on the social media front, Sophie returned home from her morning run at 7.12am feeling completely deflated. 

There was no one to be seen staggering home from the night before, and no one for Sophie to judge mercilessly from her position of social influence. She did not see a single dishevelled piece of shit with his shirt untucked drinking a Powerade, nor any tragic girls carrying their heels home whilst crying.

And after running 10kms and not sighting a single hooch hound, keg with legs, human brewery or martini machine crawling home in the harsh morning sunshine, this morning’s outing was a complete and utter disaster.

In an attempt to feel better, she spent the entire day in bed, judgingly scrolling through her friends insta feeds from last night.

More to come. 

The post DEVASTATING: Wellness Influencer On Sunday Run Doesn’t Spot Any Walks Of Shame She Can Judge appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CONFIDENT GUESSWORK

Blake Bentley, a 32-year-old from Christchurch has emerged as the leading authority on who the recently arrested “prominent New Zealander” is — at least according to his comments in the group chat.

“Nah boys I swear to God, my cousin’s mate’s sister works at the courthouse and said it’s who we all think it is. You know… that person,” Bentley wrote confidently, followed by the eyeballs emoji and a cryptic “ #toldyouso”.

Despite a court-ordered suppression of the person’s name, identifying details and the nature of the eight charges — which RNZ reports could lead to life imprisonment or a sentence of two years or more — Bentley’s confidence has only grown by the hour.

“Don’t ask me how I know. Just know that I know. The mainstream media can’t say it, but I can. Trust me,” Bentley commented, despite failing to ever deliver any decent oil in recent years about anything.

Meanwhile, legal experts have confirmed that suppression laws apply to everyone, including Blake Bentley, his cousin’s mate’s sister, and “that bloke from the bar who reckons he heard something”.

More to come. 

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The post Local Bloke In The Group Chat Definitely Reckons He Knows Who The Prominent New Zealander Is appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SQUAT, SNAP, SHARE

25-year-old Hannah Sutton put her body, soul, and sports bra to the test in a brutal three-minute workout at Les Mills this morning—just enough to earn the sacred right to post a glistening post-gym selfie to her 2,134 Instagram followers.

“It was honestly one of the hardest workouts I’ve done this week. Honestly I’m done for the day,” said Sutton, whose weekly workouts tend to last the length of maybe two Instagram reels.

The Christchurch woman appeared to spend  more time in the mirror arranging her AirPods and tightening her ponytail than actually training, although it didn’t stop her from posting a selfie with the caption “Gym Life #NoDaysOff”

“I just believe that discipline and workouts can look different for everyone,” she added as she put back some weights which she barely did any reps with.

“At least I’ve got out the front door and turned up here. Now is that all the questions? The light is pretty average over here,” Hannah said, while looking at the best spot in the gym for another selfie.

As our reporters tried to get further comment, Hannah was spotted leaving the gym with her pink protein shaker, telling a friend over speakerphone, “Ugh I’m DEAD. That workout actually ruined me today.”

More to come. 

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The post Gym Goer Endures Gruelling 3-Minute Workout To Earn Right To Post Insta Selfie appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

STRATEGIC PLAN

Christopher Luxon has announced a bold new initiative to “drive positive online outcomes” by banning under-16s from social media.

Speaking in what appeared to be fluent LinkedIn, Luxon told reporters the policy would “unlock safety synergies for our youngest stakeholders, while future-proofing the digital landscape for multi-generational engagement.”

Translation: teenagers won’t be allowed on TikTok anymore.

“This is a strategic move to align with our trans-Tasman partners, based on recent Australian developments in the youth-digital interface space,” said Luxon, while appearing to believe that was a normal sentence for a Prime Minister to say.

When asked if this would require digital ID to verify people’s ages — and open the door to tracking everyone online — Luxon paused, smiled, and replied, “We are actively exploring scalable verification pathways which will ensure confidence from all parties in the online user journey.”

Kiwis around the country are still trying to figure out if they’re being governed or managed into the ground.

“He talks like he’s about to sell me a subscription to a cloud-based HR system,” said Lower Hutt mother Sheree Edwards. “I just want to know if my 14-year-old can still post memes.”

Critics have suggested that introducing a law like this would, by necessity, mean every internet user would need to prove their age — leading to digital identity systems. But Luxon quickly hosed that down, reassuring the public that “there’s no current roadmap for that deliverable.”

Meanwhile, Australians have already passed a similar law and are now trying to figure out how to implement it without turning the entire internet into an airport security line.

“Look, this is about empowering parents and guardians with the tools to manage digital engagement.”

More to come. 

The post New Zealand’s General Manager Says Social Media Ban Will Deliver Outcomes For Key Stakeholders appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

“Ha geez, better check how many likes it has now.” 

Even the galeforce winds would struggle to wipe the smile off Angus Williams’ face this morning. 

The 28 year-old inner-city public servant had only minutes ago posted a photo of Oriental Parade captioned ‘Can’t beat Wellington on a good day’ on his personal Instagram page. He then took the time to talk to the Whakataki Times about his choice of caption with a $6 regular flat white in hand.

‘I’m the go-to-guy for words of wisdom I suppose. It just sorta came into my mind, I hadn’t heard or seen that saying anywhere before now.” 

Williams appeared noticeably chuffed with the eye-roll-inducing phrase, while many others would convulse at the thought of posting such a cliched caption in a non-sarcastic way.

Williams proceeded to tell reporters that others had simply missed a golden opportunity to point out that Wellington was unbeatable on the rare days where the sun came out. 

“I mean, you’ve just got to try and ignore the gale force wind and you can’t even see that in the photo right?’

Williams’ smile retreated slightly as he reluctantly confirmed that his post hadn’t received any further likes as the interview drew to a close.

But then the comedic genius returned and Williams delivered yet another original slogan before making his way back up Lambton Quay.

“Just like the weather today, I suppose you can’t beat the Hurricanes on a good day either.”

More to come.

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The post Local Genius Fires Off “Can’t Beat Wellington On A Good Day” Social Media Post appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

Newly engaged Auckland pair, Nicole Gillies and Hamish Wright have achieved what many thought was impossible. 

Their engagement announcement photo (uploaded to social media over the weekend) featured Nicole’s engagement ring positioned so precisely in the frame, that their message to friends and family was neither too understated, nor too in-your-face or show-offy. 

Nicole, a 33 year old marketing executive from Newmarket, confirmed to the Whakataki Times that her ring placement was no accident. “We really wanted to get this right, this is a big deal. The photographer would have easily taken 100 plus photos. We were standing in various subtle positions for over an hour.

“He sent us his top ten to choose our favourite and we would have spent another three days picking the perfect shot for our announcement. Totally worth it.”

Hamish, a 35 year old builder from Palmy, had a version of events that differed somewhat to his fiancee’s. “I can not believe we stood there for an hour and a half taking photos to get her bloody ring in the right place. I won’t even tell you how much that photographer charged me…

“To be honest I could’ve done the job 80% as well with my phone.

“Oh and when she says ‘we’ spent three days choosing the photo, she means ‘she’ spent three days choosing the photo. She’s hard work, really… it’s just as well I love her isn’t it?” he laughed sheepishly. 

While Hamish had a quiet word to himself to make sure he hadn’t made a horrible mistake, Nicole said she was pleased with the photo’s performance. “258 likes so far and it’s only been a day, so should easily get to 400 this week. I mean that’s what it’s all about right?”

When asked if they’ve got a date yet, our Whakataki Times reporter received a very rapid “no” from Hamish, who later confirmed in private that he will be drawing out this engagement as long as humanly possible. “After the ring and the photo-shoot I’ll need three years just to recover financially. 

More to come.

The post Newly Engaged Couple Happy With The Subtlety Level Achieved Through Ring Placement In Social Media Announcement appeared first on The Whakataki Times.