COASTAL CLAIM

A Gore man has continued referring to Mount Maunganui exclusively as “The Mount” despite living more than 1,500 kilometres away.

Brent Taylor, 42, confirmed the phrasing “just feels right.”

“Everyone calls it The Mount,” Taylor said. “It’s what you say.”

Taylor visits the Bay of Plenty town approximately once every three summers. “Spent New Year’s there in 2018,” he added. “Know it pretty well.”

Friends say the terminology becomes more frequent around holiday planning season.

“He’ll say things like ‘Might head up to The Mount this year’ as if he’s popping down the road,” said mate Darren McLeod.

Taylor insists the language is standard. “You wouldn’t say Mount Maunganui every time. That’s too formal. Sounds like you’re reading the news.”

When asked if he uses similar shorthand for other places, Taylor paused. “Not really. Just The Mount. Feels natural doesn’t it.”

At press time, Taylor was reportedly checking accommodation prices while reminding everyone it “it gets booked up really quick if you’re not early.”

More to come. 

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STAY INSIDE

Holidaymakers in a lower north island camping ground feared for their safety this Waitangi weekend, as gangs of overly confident children patrolled roads on their bikes. 

The scene unfolded at Foxton Beach Holiday Park, where first time campers quickly realised they were not the dominant group on site. That role had already been filled by what seemed to be hundreds of children aged somewhere between six and twelve, all riding bikes, all yelling, and all appearing to know each other extremely well.

“They were everywhere,” said one shaken camper from Palmerston North. “You’d open your car door and suddenly there were three kids circling you, ringing bells and laughing. Not at you. Just generally.”

Witnesses say the children moved in loose packs, doing laps around the campground with a confidence normally reserved for locals who have been coming there every summer since birth.

“They clearly know the layout,” said another camper. “They know all the shortcuts and take all the blind corners. This is their territory.”

The intimidation, campers say, came not from aggression but from sheer happiness and volume.

“They’re so loud,” said a man staying in a cabin near the ablution block. “Just laughing, shouting, yelling out names like ‘Ollie’ and ‘Maddie’. It’s unsettling. They don’t seem to fear anything.”

Parents of the children appeared relaxed about the situation, often seen sitting back drinking while their offspring enforced their rule.

“Oh yeah, they all know each other,” said one mother, watching a group speed past. “We’ve been coming here for years. They basically run the place.”

Newcomers quickly learned to adapt.

“We just stayed in our tent after dark,” said a Wellington couple. “They’re even louder and more unpredictable at night.”

By Sunday morning the gangs began to thin out, bikes slowly being loaded onto roof racks and trailers.

Campers reported a strange calm settling over the park.

“It feels like they’ve left,” said one man, looking around nervously. “But I still feel like they’re watching.”

Foxton Beach Holiday Park declined to comment, saying only that “it’s always busy on long weekends.”

More to come. 

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“SPENDING THE SUMMER IN STYLE”

After a winter spent under a cloud of seasonal depression, Kristen Edwards is ready to make this summer her best yet. Thankfully, she’s got a brand new set of Jibbitz to put a spring in her step, and they’ll be on show at Foxton Beach this holiday season.

“I’ve spent the last three weeks curating a collection of Jibbitz that’ll really make me and my Crocs shine,” Edwards gushed. 

When asked to explain the rationale behind her rubbery footwear embellishments, Edwards explained, “I’ve gone with a seaside theme on one foot, while the other is rainbows and unicorns. Overall, my Crocs are a creative response to the Foxton Beach environs as well as a reflection of my own perennial commitment to fun and whimsy.”

Edwards credits this whimsy, and limitless possibilities, of the Jibbitz medium for hauling her out of the blues that plagued her for the middle part of this year. 

“There is no artistic outlet that allowed me to fully resolve my creative vision while also giving me the inspiration and energy to get out of bed every day. Truly, curating my Jibbitz collection and assembling them on my Crocs has been a creative and personal revelation.”

But why Foxton Beach for the debt of this highly curated collection of Croccy accessories?

“It’s a place that I think is like me afew weeks back: a little sad, a little neglected. But I hope that my Jibbitz launch this summer will do as much to enliven this coastal Horowhenua town as they did to enliven me.”

More to come. 

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The post Sad 30-Something Gives New Jibbitz Their Beach Debut appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ULTIMATE FLEX

Kelsie McVale, 23, knows what’s coming after flaunting her tanned beach body on social media. 

She’s expecting a barrage of Instagram direct messages from male followers who have just seen the revealing photo taken at Christchurch’s Sumner beach – a hotspot for people her age during the summer months.

McVale’s post to her 2,850 followers features her in a bikini, a large wide-brimmed hat, glamorous sunglasses, and an overly large Lululemon drink bottle.

The post was nicely captioned “Living my best life! #beachvibes #sundayfunday”, a sentiment that maximises efficiency and effectiveness, while sacrificing originality. 

Our reporters caught up with McVale who was lying on her beach towel. 

“Yep this should be a goodie, this one. Hadn’t let rip a decent one like this for a while,” McVale explained as she continually refreshed her iPhone 13 to see the likes roll in.

McVale was clearly determined to get to that coveted 100-like mark and has been doing whatever she can to get there. She was even sending DMs to her friends, reminding them to like her post and asking if they’d seen it, despite it only going up minutes ago.

“I mean, usually the post starts off slow and gets momentum when it comes up on people’s feeds. Kinda get a bit worried when it’s a slow start. This one seems to be okay. Four DMs already, but they’re just flame emojis from guys I’m not really interested in.”

“I mean a post like this usually ends up being a cesspool of unwanted attention from guys, who think that “liking” a photo and sending direct messages is the way to a girl’s heart. Can’t some guy just give me shit and comment on the photo to make fun of me? Ugh, guys they’re all the same.”

As our reporters left, the long-legged beach goer had one parting comment.

“Thanks for today guys. Be sure to chuck my Instagram handle in the story will ya?”

@kelsie_mcvale

More to come.

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The post Local Woman Expecting Instagram DM Blow Up After Bikini Post At Beach appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALL FOR THE GRAM

Sam Ellison thought he had the perfect summer getaway planned when he travelled up north to the Coromandel. 

Escaping his high-pressure job in Wellington with girlfriend, Tess Young, 26, he had the promise of peaceful afternoons soaking in the sun at the world-renowned Cathedral Cove.

“All I wanted was to lie on the beach, maybe read a book, enjoy the sun,” Sam said, staring into the middle distance, where the ocean waves once lapped peacefully. “But Tess had other ideas.”

“She asked me to just take a quick photo. But after I took the quick initial 10, she looked at all of them in detail. Clearly unhappy with every single one of them, she asked me to take more. She literally looked exactly the same in each photo.” 

“I swear to God, I’ve taken 30 photos of her just sitting, holding her hat, smiling into the sun—all the same,” Sam said, his voice beginning to break under the pressure. “It’s like she’s trying to illustrate her entire personality in one Instagram post.”

As they neared the 200th photo of Tess posing in the same position, she eventually came over to scroll through all the photos taken in what was a painful photography session for Sam.

“Hmm, I think I might just go with the first one you took at the start. Nice job camera boy.”  

More to come. 

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The post Bloke’s Relaxing Beach Trip To Cathedral Cove Turns Into Grueling 200-Photo Shoot For Girlfriend’s Instagram appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SENT HIM PACKING

Spencer Lyon has felt more shame today than anything else he has experienced in club cricket.

The 31 year-old from Nelson, found himself clean bowled by none other than his girlfriend, Millie Dunn, during an innocent game of beach cricket at Tahuna Beach. Making matters worse, it was a delivery that even the most casual of beachgoers could have played.

After getting laughed at by his group of former highschool friends and having to reluctantly accept he’d just been clean bowled by the most simple deliveries. Spencer spoke to our reporters.

“Look, anyone who’s played cricket knows that sand is bloody hard to play, it’s just too unpredictable for serious play,” said Lyon, still trying to make excuses for why he had had his stumps rattled.

Millie meanwhile downplayed the situation. 

“I honestly didn’t even know what I was doing haha. When everyone started cheering and I saw the wickets out of the ground, I knew I must have done something right. Does that mean I’m winning?” asked Millie, slowly becoming familiar with the sport she takes minimal interest in.

Spencer, still visibly ashamed, continued to make excuses and went on the defensive.

 “If we were playing on a proper wicket, with a real bowler, it would have been a different story. Why don’t we go down to the nets and see how she goes against me then?”

More to come. 

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The post SHAME: Cricketer’s Ego Crumbles As Girlfriend Knocks Him Over In Beach Cricket appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

UNSTOPPABLE

Mark Grover’s eyes lit up when he saw six year-old son Jackson walk up to the crease in today’s Boxing Day BYC match.

The 41 year-old father of three was already showcasing some scary form after dismissing his two other children, 7 year-old Poppy and 9 year-old Ollie, in the previous two deliveries.

Our reporters were in the Grovers’ backyard for the hat trick delivery, watching Mark steam in off an unreasonably long run up.

‘Got emmmmm!! Yes on your way Jackson! Hat trick for ya old man! Still got it!” celebrated Mark, who was going way over the top after clean bowling his small child, who has barely ever held a cricket bat in his life.

Mark’s wife Kylie, who saw the carnage unfold from inside, was quick to reassure her three children that they could “have another go” and for Mark to “settle down, they’re only children for goodness sake.”

“What on earth is he doing hurling those balls at them like that? When I got them a cricket set for Christmas this was not what I had in mind. My husband is meant to try to encourage them to play, not put them off the sport altogether,” Kylie said, while evil-eyeing her husband.

“Oh come on Kylie, they’ve gotta learn. What better way to learn than off your old man who can still bowl like he can play senior ones.”

As our reporters sought comment from the children, two of them were seen crying nearby, while Jackson was still standing there like a stunned mullet holding his bat wondering why his Dad was celebrating so much.

More to come.

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The post Local Dad Rolls Back The Years With Sensational BYC Hat Trick Against His Hapless Children appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

“FEEL THE POWER”

Jacob Cooper, a 34-year-old Christchurch man, is adamant that no Christmas gift—past, present, or future—will ever surpass the iconic glory of the Vortex Mega Howler. 

Sitting on his deck in Sumner, nursing a cold beer and a hefty dose of nostalgia, Jacob reflected on the early 2000s, a time when the unmistakable whistle of a Vortex Mega Howler slicing through the air was the soundtrack to his summer and Christmas.

“Honestly, nothing would beat getting a Vortex Mega Howler on Christmas. These days I’m getting a selection of nice craft beers and something for the outdoors. But to be honest, nothing has topped getting a Vortex for Christmas in my teens.”

For Jacob, the 2003 Vortex Mega Howler advertisement featuring Dan Carter and Steve Devine remains a cultural milestone. “That ad was pure magic too. Thirty, sixty and ninety metres! Feel the power” Jacob recanted lines from the iconic ad.

“That sound it made when you threw it? Like music to your ears. Plus, no matter how bad my aim was, it always looked impressive in the air. Pure genius. You just can’t top that as Christmas gift”

More to come. 

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The post REPORT: No Christmas Toy Will Ever Match the Glory of the Vortex Mega Howler appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WE GET IT, YOU’RE THERE

The National government has announced its intention to extend the controversial ban on gang patches to tackle another societal menace: Instagram stories flooded with festival footage. 

The proposed crackdown will prohibit anyone from posting shaky videos of strobe-lit stages paired with muffled bass, accompanied by off-key renditions of chart-topping hits.

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon defended the policy, claiming it was born out of public demand. “New Zealanders have had enough. Opening Instagram to find 47 clips of someone’s poorly lit festival journey, featuring indistinguishable artists and tone-deaf karaoke, is an assault on the senses. We’re putting a stop to it,” he declared in a press conference.

Chelsea McVale, 25 from Christchurch, who is a regular festival goer at Electric Avenue was outraged. “This is outrageous,” she said, visibly distraught. “What’s the point of going to a festival if you can’t make everyone else experience FOMO through a story? Ugghh.”

Chelsea isn’t alone in her frustration. Millie Stewart, a 21-year-old student from Dunedin, has spent months planning her pilgrimage to Rhythm and Vines. 

“It’s about self-expression! How can you share your soul with the world if you can’t post, like, 13 clips of a DJ you don’t even know, trying to look cool while you fumble for your phone in the crowd?”

The response from the public was mixed, with some social media users wholeheartedly agreeing with the restrictions, citing their overwhelming frustration with never-ending festival stories.

“I had to mute four people last summer just because of their festival posts. It was all the same! Half the time, I couldn’t even tell which DJ was playing, and they were all singing terribly—off-key, out of sync with the music. It was torture. Bring on the ban!”

More to come. 

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The post Government Proposes Ban On People Posting Unwatchable Festival Footage To Instagram Stories appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

IT’S SCIENCE

Local neurologist Jacko Callahan has proven what we all knew to be true – that a bit of sunshine in the afternoon is likely to make you want a beer. 

This time however, there’s science to back up the theory. 

Dr Callahan says that inside every human’s ‘reptile brain’ (also known as the amygdala) there are photoreceptors that are triggered by afternoon light. 

“The angle and frequency of specifically afternoon light is something that makes our brains seek out a sense of fun and relaxation,” explained Dr Callahan as he quickly wiped away the beer he had spilled on his lab coat.  

“Naturally in the modern world, that sense of fun is associated with an alcoholic beverage or two. With the added factor of heat in the atmosphere, the brain will tend towards the colder drink options, namely beer. 

“The brain’s photoreceptors do not appear to distinguish between your craft brewed options and your cheap and cheerful staples,” he said while scrolling his phone to see what deals were on at Pak n Save. 

“Look I don’t know who’s going to benefit from this scientific discovery because to be quite honest, it’s bloody obvious. Maybe bar owners who were thinking of staying closed on sunny days? Who knows!”

Callahan, who had now finished drinking the lab’s last beer from a conical flask, was then seen trotting off towards Pak n Save. 

More to come. 

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The post EVOLUTIONARY SCIENCE: Warmth And Sunlight During Afternoon Stimulates Brain’s Biological Urge For A Beer appeared first on The Whakataki Times.