NO PINT LEFT BEHIND

Braydon Fenton, 31, sat firmly at Auckland Airport this afternoon, taking his time finishing an overpriced airport beer despite clear and repeated instructions that it was absolutely, definitely time to board his plane.

Fresh off a wedding weekend and technically still “on holiday until the wheels touch Christchurch tarmac,” Fenton reportedly refused to let a calm but firm boarding announcement dictate the final moments of his Auckland experience.

“Passengers travelling to Christchurch may begin boarding now,” echoed across the terminal, a message Braydon acknowledged, with vague awareness and zero intention to act on it.

Fenton briefly glanced at the departure board to see his plane was definitely boarding, then returned his focus to the $17 pint in front of him as he spoke to our reporters.

“I’ve got plenty of time. The plane’s not even moving yet and people are lining up. It won’t leave without me,” Fenton explained, not feeling the pressure of his name possibly being read out loudly for a final boarding call.

While the terminal echoed with increasingly urgent boarding announcements, Fenton remained unflustered as he watched people in his gate area move frantically towards the entry to the plane via the boarding gate.

“They always say ‘final call’. I’ve never once seen consequences. Boarding calls are for people who panic and think the plane will actually leave without them despite them checking in for the flight”

“The loud speaker can yell all it wants, but it’s not going to rush me from finishing this beer which I know I’ve paid too much for.”

More to come.

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PERFECTLY AVERAGE

A new report has stunned New Zealanders by confirming that Jetstar is not uniquely terrible, but is instead just doing the same annoying things as every other airline does, such as Air New Zealand.

“People like to act as though Jetstar invented flight delays,” said lead researcher Gavin Wilson. “But Air NZ has been delaying flights quietly and professionally for decades. They just do it in nicer fonts.”

The findings also revealed that Jetstar is, in fact, a budget airline, a detail the report says many passengers forget the moment they’re asked to pay for food onboard. “There’s this shock every time,” Wilson explained. “Someone will say, ‘What do you mean the coffee isn’t free?’ Mate, the ticket was $59”

Wilson also addressed frequent complaints about Jetstar closing bag drop early, explaining that this usually occurs because passengers have arrived late to the airport.

“If you miss bag drop, that’s not a system failure, that’s a time failure on you” Wilson said. “That’s you not understanding how clocks work. Air New Zealand does the same, but they just don’t cop as much heat.”

Jetstar spokesperson Sarah James said expectations were often “wildly out of proportion.” “You didn’t pay for luxury,” she said. “You paid to arrive somewhere eventually. And usually, that does happen.”

Air New Zealand was also named in the report as an airline that cancels flights for reasons ranging from bad weather to ‘operational reasons,’ which experts describe as “a phrase that means ‘we can’t be bothered explaining this.’”

At press time, both airlines were experiencing minor delays due to weather, staffing, aircraft availability, and the fact that it is a busy holiday time of year for travellers.

More to come.

The post REPORT: Jetstar In Fact Just Another Normal Airline That’s No Better Or Worse Than The Others appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CABIN SCRAMBLERS

Fynn Lacy, 29, cut a relaxed figure after his plane landed in Wellington this morning.

Flying from Christchurch to the capital city, Lacy found himself quietly amused during the familiar post-landing ritual, the moment the wheels touch down and half the plane immediately launches to their feet.

As the Air New Zealand flight rolled toward the gate, almost everyone around Lacy stood up, hunched under the overhead lockers, holding their bags like a starting pistol was about to fire. They stayed there for close to ten minutes, not moving anywhere and getting no closer to exiting the plane.

“What’s the point of it?,” he asked incredulously. “We all get off at the same time. Standing in the aisle doesn’t make the cabin crew door open any faster.”

He watched as passengers shifted awkwardly, shoulders pinned together, legs cramping while the cabin crew calmly reminded everyone they could sit and relax as the process unfolded, which no one took seriously.

“People were sweating and shuffling for ages,” Lacy said. “I stood up when our row actually moved, and I still exited at the exact same time as the people who’d been upright since we hit the runway.”

When the aircraft door finally opened, the ten-minute aisle standers advanced a grand total of one row at a time, the exact same pace as everyone else.

“Even when I got to the bag terminal, one woman’s bag came out after mine anyway. In theory, her exit from the airport took longer than mine, despite her thinking it would be the opposite.”

More to come.

The post Aisle Standers Successfully Shave 0.00 Seconds Off Their Time Taken To Get Off Plane appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MINIMAL SHIFT

Christchurch man Chris Shelton, 27, has officially booked a one-way ticket to the UK for what he’s calling his “Big OE”, despite the fact he’ll be living with, working with, and socialising with the exact same group of Christchurch lads he’s known since high school.

“I just need to get out of my comfort zone and experience something new,” said Shelton, while packing a suitcase full of stubbies, a Crusaders jersey, and two puffer jackets.

The airport-bound builder is set to arrive in Clapham next week, where he’ll be moving into a flat with four other former Burnside High students who also claim to be “broadening their horizons”, even though their daily routine remains identical: wake up, go to work, send memes to each other in the group chat, and hit the pub on Friday to talk about the upcoming All Blacks game.

“Yeah it’s just time for a change of scene, aye,” said Shelton, who will now be standing around in a different backyard, drinking lagers and talking about how cold it is compared to back home.

The 27-year-old says he’s excited to immerse himself in British culture, which so far includes watching New Zealand Super Rugby games at 7am and ordering chicken burgers from a Kiwi-owned café in Fulham that exclusively employs other people from Canterbury.

When asked what he was most looking forward to in the UK, Shelton said he was keen to travel around Europe “at some point”, but was mainly just excited for “the first flat pub sesh when we’re all over there together — gonna be loose”.

More to come. 

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The post Kiwi Bloke’s “Big OE” To Include Same Mates From Home But In Different Time Zone appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

TOO MUCH TO ASK

Air New Zealand may have rolled out a new uniform collection for 2026, but for many passengers, the onboard experience will remain as dull as ever.

Frequent fliers on Air NZ may have found themselves nodding in tepid approval for the rollout next year, but many will return to their seat pocket in a desperate search for literally anything to read other than Kia Ora magazine.

While the airline’s press release gushed about the uniforms being “woven with kōwhaiwhai, purapura whetū, and the spiritual threads of Aotearoa,” 27-year-old Abbie Gilbert from Christchurch had just one question.

“Cool outfits and all that — I mean, good on them — but is it too much to ask for an inflight magazine that doesn’t make me feel like I’m stuck in a dentist’s waiting room?”

Gilbert has long been disappointed that the Kia Ora magazine remained the same as ever — full of 3-year-old restaurant reviews, a letter from the CEO explaining turbulence, and an extensive profile on a sustainability startup from Oamaru no one’s heard of.

“Honestly, 80% of that magazine is full page ads. Just give me something! Even if it’s just gossip about New Zealand instagram influencers!” she said. 

“Who will step up and save Kia Ora??”

More to come. 

The post Air NZ Unveils New Uniforms But Still No Revamp For Kia Ora Magazine appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

“HI THERE”

When 26-year-old Loren Ashley set up her out-of-office auto-reply last Friday, she didn’t just inform her colleagues she’d be away — she unwittingly provided them with a detailed travel log of her Christmas plans.

“Hi there,” the auto-reply begins innocuously enough. “I’m out of the office and not checking emails as I’ll be traveling to the UK a couple of days before Christmas! After the UK, I’ll be heading to Dubai for New Year’s! “I’ll be back and catching up on emails from January 8th. Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season!”

While it is a well-meaning message, for some of Loren’s Christchurch colleagues, it’s simply too much, sparking mild irritation and passive-aggressive group chat messages in her workplace.

“Honestly, it’s like she’s submitting her gap year itinerary for approval,” grumbled Callum, one of Loren’s teammates, who received the reply when he emailed her about next year’s marketing schedule. 

“She’s been going on about this UK trip for the last three months. But she’ll be back before we’ve even packed up the office Christmas decorations. It’s not like she’s moving there to live and work.”

Other coworkers echoed similar sentiments.

“Should we all reply to her auto-email with our own itineraries? Like, ‘Oh hey Loren, I’ll be spending Christmas in Christchurch — can’t wait to sit in traffic on the way to Sumner for the fifteenth year running.'”

When contacted for comment, Loren defended her email. 

“I just want people to know where in the world I’ll be, you never know, it could be something urgent” said Loren, failing to realise her colleagues definitely know where she is as she’ll be Instagramming her whole trip in detail over the next two weeks.

More to come. 

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SLOW MOTION PRISON

With all the coverage of the ferries recently, much of it too complicated or boring to care about, it is easy to forget just how shit the Interislander experience is.

Whether it’s the feeling of being bored and trapped in a floating prison, or the intense concentration needed to hold back violent bouts of vomiting, the Interislander remains New Zealand’s worst way to travel. 

But now that Winston Peters is onboard, fresh off the back of banning greyhounds, we can only wait and see whether the old boy addresses the issue of the boat being so painfully slow and boring. Peters talked to the media today as he swaggered out of parliament. 

“Look, whichever way you want to cut it, we still need the ferry. End of discussion. And if any of you dipsticks in the media did your jobs properly, then you’d already know that,” he said before flashing a toothy grin to a group of dumbfounded journalists. 

Cutting the press conference short, Peters also failed to address the disgusting smell of diesel and other people’s sea sickness, which has punctuated many a family holiday memory. 

Wellingtonian traveller Sean Myers, was on his way to the South Island when he was asked for comment. 

“No, I’m actually going to the airport, where I’ll board a short one hour flight to Christchurch, and hire a rental car to explore the South Island from there. Why would I spend five hours on a boat and only make it to Picton?” he asked. 

Myers went on to question not only the slowness of the ferry, but also the likelihood it could actually get him from A to B. 

“At some point you just have to ask yourself: What’s more likely to happen in New Zealand these days? A plane falling out of the sky, or a large ship running aground?”

More to come. 

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The post Despite Media Spotlight Interislander Ferry Still A Horrible Way To Travel appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HIGH FLYER

Christchurch local Stephen Lowe has given his Instagram followers a little clue about what he’s up to this weekend. 

The direct sales consultant has coolly posted a picture of his Air New Zealand boarding pass, as he waits for his flight to Auckland for a mate’s stag do. 

“Just jet-setting up to Auckland for another staggy, second one in six months haha, no biggie,” said the man, pleased as punch with himself. 

The caption was even subtler than the picture, with a tag of the groom-to-be, AJ Glenmore, which simply said “see you soon big juicy”. 

“Be good to see the big man one more time before he throws his life away ha,” said Mr Lowe, signalling clearly that he has no intentions of settling down himself. 

To add to the effortlessness with which he informed his followers of his air travel, the self-styled jet setter made sure his Steinlager Classic beer bottle was in the shot also. 

“It’s just something I do to relax when I’m at the airport waiting for a flight. Having a beer makes things go quicker, as airports can get pretty routine when you’re flying around the country as much as I am,” he said, taking a swig from the green bottle.  

AJ “big juicy” Glenmore was unavailable for comment. 

More to come. 

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The post Local Man Subtly Alludes To Air Travel By Posting Pic Of Beer And Boarding Pass appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MISSED OPPORTUNITY

Holly Carrigan, 25, missed a golden opportunity this morning. She had the chance to deliver top quality pre-holiday content to her numerous instagram followers, which would have been the perfect start to her trip to Queenstown – but she absolutely blew it. 

As she sat on the Air New Zealand plane that had just taken off from Wellington, signalling the start of her 10 day adventure, all Carrigan needed to do was point her phone out the window, take a photo, and hit ‘share’. We caught up with the distressed traveller to find out where it all went wrong.

“I don’t know what happened! This is the sort of photo that I usually just take instinctively, without even thinking about it. Normally this would be the most natural thing in the world,” explained a confused Carrigan.

“Something must’ve just been a bit off, you know? Like the normal routine of hopping on a flight was somehow disrupted.

“Actually now that I think of it, I was sitting in the window seat, with my phone out, about to take the money shot, when a very loud woman sat down next to me and was yakking on her phone,” she explained. 

“It threw me off completely. I just got distracted by this loud woman’s phone conversation. The flight attendant just about had to fight her to put the phone away before the plane took off. 

“Anyway, the point is, I completely forgot to take the photo out the plane window because I was preoccupied with a long-winded story about someone called Shelly and her new boyfriend. Bad start to the holiday!” she ranted. 

The Whakataki Times can confirm that on her first day in Queenstown Ms Carrigan plans to post a picture of herself and a friend in great big puffer jackets at The Ice Bar.

More to come.

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The post HOLIDAY MISHAP: Woman Forgets To Post Aerial Photo From Inside Plane appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THERE IF YOU NEED IT

Shanae Boswell has seen her fair share of people using the white paper sick bags in her experience as a flight attendant for Air New Zealand.

Now the 28 year-old has confirmed what many have thought the bags are predominantly used for.

Officially the paper receptacles on the back of plane seats are meant to support those suffering from air travel sickness, but Boswell can reveal that they’re actually just there for those who are travelling while extremely hungover, and pretty much nothing else.

Our reporters were on one of Air New Zealand’s flights today

“It’s pretty hard to believe that anyone is actually going to become violently ill from a bit of turbulence or a few bumps isn’t it? I mean when was the last time you ever saw or heard of anyone getting sick on a plane from that?” Boswell explained as she stocked up the backs of the seats with more bags.

“I see young males who come onto our planes running on less than four hours of sleep and often still visibly drunk from the night before. When they make use of them, it’s not because of any minor turbulence.”

Boswell’s claims match up with the fact that it has indeed been incredibly hard to find anyone who has been so affected by a few shakes on a domestic flight, that they have then had to vomit uncontrollably. 

However our reporters concluded that a few minor bumps during the duration of the flight could prompt a very hungover individual to reach for the small paper bags.

“Honestly, I can spot the hungover ones so easily that I almost feel like saying to them ‘there’s a bag there if you need it’.”

More to come.

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