EARTHY TONES

A Christchurch man has confirmed he is now a “long black drinker” as part of what he describes as a subtle but deliberate personal rebrand.

Tom Harris, 31, said the shift away from flat whites marks a new chapter.

“It’s just cleaner,” Harris explained. “More direct and more functional, with no empty calories.”

Harris confirmed he updated his mental profile immediately.

“You don’t order a long black unless you know what you’re about.”

The local man said the move aligns with other recent adjustments, including neutral clothing and reading non fiction on public transport, labelling it “more intentional”.

Barista Ella Ng said she has noticed a pattern.

“Men hit 30 and suddenly they’re done with milk,” Ng said. “Happens all the time.”

Harris rejected suggestions that the change is cosmetic. “It’s about taste,” he insisted. “You appreciate the bean more.”

Friends report he now pauses slightly before ordering, “like he’s stepping into character.”

Harris was last seen looking around expectantly to see who else in the coffee shop had heard him say “that’s mine thanks” in response to the barista’s “Long black?” announcement.

More to come. 

The post Local Man Adds “Long Black Drinker” To His Edgy But Highly Curated Personality appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

POLITE ESCAPE

A 33 year old Wellington man has once again deployed the time tested phrase “we should go for a coffee sometime” after unexpectedly running into a former colleague at Moore Wilson’s on Saturday morning.

Nathan Wilkes confirmed he had not spoken to ex marketing advisor Jeremy Clarke in just over two years before the chance encounter in the olive aisle.

“It was good to see him ay,” Wilkes said. “Nothing against the bloke. Just wasn’t prepared for a full life update between the balsamic and the feta.”

Wilkes said the conversation quickly escalated from a casual “how’s things” to a detailed breakdown of Clarke’s new role, gym routine and thoughts on the property market.

“He’s a good guy,” Wilkes explained. “Very thorough. You ask how work is and you get the strategic overview.”

After approximately nine minutes, Wilkes identified what he described as “a natural gap” and moved decisively.

“I just said, ‘Mate we should go for a coffee sometime,’” he said. “It’s friendly. It’s open ended. It acknowledges the connection without locking anything in.”

Wilkes confirmed there are no current plans to schedule said coffee.

“I’ve got a lot on,” he said. “Young family. Bit flat out. You know how it is.”

Clarke later told friends he was “definitely keen to catch up properly” but had not committed to sending a DM via Linkedin.

Relationship expert and part time mediator Karen Bishop says the phrase remains one of New Zealand’s most elegant social tools.

“It signals goodwill while preserving distance,” Bishop said. “Everyone understands it, even if no one admits they do.”

Wilkes ended the interview by saying that he’ll definitely get round to thinking about setting a date at some point.  

More to come. 

The post “We Should Go For A Coffee Sometime” Still The Best Exit Strategy From Small Talk Entrapment appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

REJUVENATED 

The staff at The Good Home restaurant and bar, Prebbleton, could be forgiven for thinking it was the beginning of the zombie apocalypse this morning. 

25 year old lawyer Libby Edgerton stumbled towards the barista at 8 o’clock, dragging one foot behind her and generally looking like one of the walking dead. 

“It was quite a shock to see the state of her this morning,” said Janine Preston, who was the cashier at the time. 

“I wasn’t sure if she just really needed a flat white, or if I needed to evacuate the building because she’d been bitten”. 

In a dull groan, Edgerton made her usual order at the counter, her eyes showing no signs of life whatsoever. 

Thankfully it turned out to be severe caffeine withdrawal that was the reason for her frightening appearance, and not the start of the end of the world. “Luckily the large double shot flat white made the colour return to her cheeks. It was a real rescue operation in the end,” said Preston. 

Ms. Edgerton seemed dazed and confused when asked about her ordeal.

“Huh? What? Oh I’m at The Good Home having a coffee, haha, I don’t even remember how I got to Prebbleton. Weird.

“I guess it’s like they say, don’t try talking to me before I’ve had my coffee, hahaha,” she laughed, while others joined her out of obligation. 

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good people at The Good Home Prebbleton, in Prebbleton Christchurch. 

The post Woman Rescued From Her Zombie-Like State With Emergency Espresso Coffee appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BAFFLING 

Despite consuming a daily cocktail of sugar, caffeine, and artificial stimulants, 29-year-old Hamilton woman Stacey Duff remains completely baffled as to why she feels like she’s been hit by a truck by 5:30 p.m.

“I just don’t get it,” sighed Duff, rubbing her eyes as she slumped onto her couch, an unopened can of V tucked beside her. 

“I start my day strong with a double-shot flat white, follow it up with a cheeky Monster mid-morning, chuck back a Red Bull at lunch, and maybe another V in the afternoon if I’m lagging. But by the time I get home, I’m so exhausted. Like, I could literally pass out.”

“I’ve been thinking I might have low iron or something,” she mused, cracking open the V she swore she wouldn’t drink. “Mum keeps telling me to take magnesium, but like, that just makes you sleepy, right? I don’t need more sleep—I need more energy!”

Her boyfriend, 31-year-old Nathan Wright, who has endured daily complaints about her tiredness for the past two years, remains deeply unimpressed.

“Every single night, she comes home and says, ‘Ugh, I’m so tired,’” he said, shaking his head. “And every single day, I watch her funnel liters of sugar and caffeine like she’s fueling up a race car. It’s the same conversation, over and over again.”

Wright has gently suggested that Duff “maybe drink some water” or “try getting eight hours of sleep instead of staying up scrolling Instagram.” These suggestions have so far been met with hostility.

More to come. 

The post Woman Who Drinks Multiple Energy Drinks, Coffee, Unsure Why She’s Continually Crashing At End Of The Day appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

JUST NOT THE SAME

Angus Booker is known for his love of good coffee and unwavering loyalty to the coffee culture of Wellington.

For a long time Booker has believed Wellington has the best coffee in New Zealand and was sceptical when his friends said that Auckland had some “good coffee shops”.

The 29 year-old from Aro Valley had gone up to the big smoke for a holiday with friends, and was at a cafe in Ponsonby where he almost couldnt’ wait to put Auckland’s coffee to the test.

Our reporters were inside the Ponsonby coffee shop where Booker was taking his first sip.

“Hmmm a bit weak with no distinct flavour. How do you guys even drink this stuff?” Booker said with superiority to his Auckland friends, with a look of disgust on his face.

“It’s just coffee man. It’s got caffeine in it doesn’t it?” questioned friend James Muir.

Taking another sip out of his reusable coffee cup, Angus couldn’t wait to voice more dissatisfaction.

“It’s just a lack of depth and richness. Are these even fair-trade coffee beans? This is nothing like Wellington coffee.”

As the group began to finish at their table Booker gave one more smug comment to reinforce in his opinion that Wellington’s coffee supremacy remained unchallenged. 

“Well how  about you let me know when you’re next in Wellington? Then we can go out for a real coffee”

More to come. 

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The post Wellingtonian On Auckland Trip Gets Quick Win By Moaning About Auckland Coffee appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

“JUST NOT MY THING”

Mitch Bishop is feeling a bit left out at the moment.

The 25 year-old recently found himself in the middle of an awkward conversation between a mate of his and a handful of acquaintances at a cafe in Aro Valley.

One of the group piped up and asked Mitch what type of coffee he’d like as a pick-me-up ahead of a night of drinking and a planned event.

“Hey Mitch, what coffee did you want mate. The waiter is about to come back?” James Pascoe questioned, while taking a puff from his vape.

“Oh ummm, I’m not really much of a coffee guy actually,” Bishop replied, knowing that what he just said wouldn’t go down well with the group of people he’s with.

“Huh? You don’t like or drink coffee?” Pascoe asked, while almost giving Mitch a death stare as they sat at Fidel’s cafe, a very popular Wellington coffee shop.

“Don’t really like the taste of it. Would rather just have a mocha or tea actually,” Bishop explained innocently. Under intense scrutiny, Bishop was now beginning to feel like he’d undermined his whole Wellington friend group, purely because he didn’t fit their vision of what a Wellington man should be like.

“Well, please tell me you’re into your craft beer though?” Pascoe again interrogated.

“Oh, yeah they’re okay I guess. They’re kinda strong and quite hoppy though. You can’t have too many of them. Just not my thing if I’m honest. Would rather just have a Tui or Speight’s on tap,” Bishop truthfully explained, as if he was committing some sort of crime by not wanting to pay for an overpriced beer at a pretentious Wellington bar.

As our reporters sought more comment from Bishop they were interrupted by another question. 

“Bro, you vape though right?”

More to come.

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The post Wellington Man Laughed Out Of His Friend Group For Not Liking Coffee Or Craft Beer appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

“DO YOU HAVE OAT MILK?”

Long time flat white drinker Fernando Collins has taken his identity into his own hands today, by ordering something quite different from his local coffee cart. 

“I’ll have a macchiato please Hayley. Do you have oat milk back there?” he asked as his usual office crew looked on in disbelief. Mr Collins then looked around contentedly to see how many heads had turned upon hearing his unconventional order spoken out loud. 

“Yeah the oat milk just doesn’t sit there in my stomach the same way cow’s milk does. Tried it over the weekend and have never looked back!” he laughed while Joe Granger, an unshakeably solid flat white drinker, turned and spoke to our reporter.

“I’ve never heard this before. Fernando has never drunk anything from this cart apart from flat whites and the odd hot choccy. A bloody macchiato with oat milk? Ridiculous. What even is that?

“He’s clearly trying to work some kind of an angle here. You don’t just randomly wake up one day and decide that you’re not going to drink flat whites anymore,” reasoned Granger, as his eyes narrowed in on Fernando as if he had just committed high treason. 

“I think this is a thinly veiled plot to try and make himself appear more interesting. I bet he’s trying to impress Rosie, the new comms advisor. She loves a weird coffee I think”.

Mr Collins meanwhile took his takeaway coffee and waited while the others in the group waited for their coffees. “Just thought I’d try something a bit different ay, good to switch things up a bit,” he said before taking a second coffee from the barista.

“Oh this one’s for Rosie, I’m taking it back for her. It’s a soy latte. Cow’s milk doesn’t sit very well with her either. Guess we’ve got that in common,” he lied shamelessly. 

More to come.

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