COUCH COUNTDOWN

31-year-old Matt Hill, from Nelson, has yet to secure any New Year’s Eve plans.

“I’m just hoping someone’s doing something,” he said. “Maybe a BBQ, maybe a quiet drink somewhere. I don’t know. I’m open to suggestions. It’s just hard to know what everyone’s up to these days.”

Matt’s friends are largely married or burdened with children, which makes spontaneous partying something akin to a mythical creature from his twenties. 

Back then, New Year’s Eve involved ringing in the countdown drunk in Nelson’s night club and the occasional sprint across town to make it to another party before 3am. Now, the most he can hope for is a gathering that officially ends before 7:30pm so his friends’ kids can get to bed.

His optimism spiked briefly when a friend, Damo, mentioned a potential backyard BBQ. “He said he might have a thing,” Matt admitted, eyes lighting up. “But apparently it finishes by 7:30 because, you know, kids. But still, it’s something.

Despite the scaled-back festivities, Matt remains hopeful. “Maybe someone else will text. Maybe there’s a wild idea hiding in a group chat somewhere. You never know,” he said while jealously thinking of his parents in their early 60s who were going to be having drinks at a bar and watching the countdown on Nelson’s Church Cathedral.

When pressed about what he’ll do if nothing materializes, Matt shrugged. “Well, as long as I have some beers in the fridge, I’m sure I’ll find some random A-League or Big Bash cricket game to watch.”

More to come. 

The post NO PLANS YET: Local Bloke Still Pretending He’ll Be Invited Somewhere For New Year’s appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FOR THE LONG HAUL

Caleb Rowling, a 28 year old data analyst, hit a major milestone in his quest for self-improvement this week – reaching week 3 of going to the gym without dramatically chucking it all in.

The young man from Palmerston North has previously used the early January period to make bold proclamations about changes he wants to make, ranging in theme from health to career progression.

Unlike other years, this time Caleb has committed $6.99 per week to the basic gym membership offered by City Fitness, saying he would be “building muscle and burning fat” three times a week from now on.

“I’ve hit rock bottom and the only way is up,” he said, claiming he has never been fatter or more unfit than he is now. Sources close to Caleb say this wasn’t helped by him “really enjoying his food and beers” over Christmas. 

“This year’s different though and I’ve kept my word so far. A total of seven gym visits for 2025 already,” he said, letting slip a very slight glow of pride.

“And yep, I know it’s only been two weeks, not very long. But Edmund Hillary started with a single step when he climbed up Everest, didn’t he?”

While most people around him are offering support and encouragement, it’s clear some of Caleb’s family members are not immune to the dreaded ‘tall poppy syndrome’. Cousin Blaine, 31, unhelpfully pointed out that he’s heard it all before, and that Caleb’s failed to persist in previous endeavours. 

“Oh here we go again, Caleb with his big resolutions. All talk and no action,” he typed smugly onto Instagram, despite never really reaching his own potential in life.

Caleb is not worried about the blowback however, as he has consumed so many hours of mindset-related Youtube content, he had a premeditated response locked and loaded.

“Got to learn to love your haters! And remember, the hate never comes from above, it always comes from below.”

More to come.

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The post DEDICATED: Local Man’s New Year Fitness Habits Still Going Strong After A Full Two Weeks appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NEW YEAR SAME ME

In what was supposed to be the year of self-improvement, 27-year-old Marie Wilkins’ New Year’s resolution to read more books has officially been derailed—hours into 2025.

Her plan, which was meant to involve one book a month, has already faced a tragic, albeit predictable, end after the drop of a new crime series on Netflix.

“I really thought this year would be different,” Marie said, sitting in her couch fortress, surrounded by snack wrappers and an untouched hardcover novel. “I promised myself, ‘This is the year I’m going to be a reader. Might even join a book club too.”

Marie had begun this morning with high hopes. She received a beautiful hardback edition of The Silent Witness, a gripping crime thriller, as a Christmas gift.

“I thought I’d read it in January and really set the tone for the year,” she explained, gesturing to the what will be a future dusty book on the coffee table.

“I made it 37 pages in… I swear, I was really into it! But then I saw Netflix dropped a new crime drama and the first few episodes have been really good!”

The new crime drama, which Wilkins chose not to name, has been called a “must stream” by the internet, but will likely be watched and forgotten like so many that came before it. 

“I mean, binge watching a series as opposed to binging on a few books is kinda the same right?”

More to come.

 
This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Woman’s 2025 Plan To “Read More Books” Immediately Ends After New Crime Series Drops on Netflix appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FINISHING STRONG

Sophie Anderson, 28, of Auckland, has officially declared that tonight’s New Year’s Eve will be her final indulgence in “bad decisions and excessive drinking” before embarking on a serious, no-excuses, life-changing detox in 2025.

“I’m serious this time,” Sophie said  looking at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, as she prepared for what was sure to be another late-night mission to the Viaduct. “No more binge-drinking in 2025. This is the last time.”

Her friends, however, aren’t buying it.

“I’ve heard this speech every year,” said  Alice Thompson, Sophie’s best friend, as they navigated the crowded Auckland streets. “She’ll wake up on January 1st, post ‘New Year, New Me’ on Instagram, and then, four days later, she’ll find some ridiculous excuse to drink again. It’s like clockwork.”

Talking to our reporters, Sophie remained resolute on her claims.

“I’m not going to let myself go this year,” she continued, as her friends prepared to head into the Viaduct, the ultimate destination for a “last hurrah” in Auckland’s party scene. 

“2025 is going to be all about self-care, kale smoothies, and yoga. No more shots after 2 a.m. I’m done with that.”

More to come.

 
This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post “This Is The Last Time” Says Woman, Already Lying To Herself About 2025 Detox appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BIG SHIFT

Brad Owens, a 25-year-old from Wellington, is embarking on a New Year’s mission of epic proportions in the Coromandel this year.

Armed with an 18-pack of Heinekens, Brad had become fully convinced that starting on beers at midday was the key to making it to the midnight countdown with both wit and wits intact.

After returning from the supermarket with enough alcohol to last a few days, at 12:02pm Brad cracked open a beer, which piqued the interest of his mates nearby..

“Whoa Brad, starting already? I reckon we can pace ourselves mate. It’s all about the marathon, not the sprint, right?”  said his concerned  mate who had yet to face the perils of a twelve-hour beer-a-thon.

“I’m in my prime mate!! This is a stroll in the park. Midnight is a mere pitstop on my night ahead!” Brad explained, failing to forget the past three New Years he had been in bed before 10 o’clock.

As our reporters went to question Brad more, he was seen trotting off to the fridge to start on his second one in less than 15 minutes.

More to come. 

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The post Man Starting On Beers At Midday Under Impression He’ll Make It To Midnight  Countdown appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DON’T STOP BELIEVING

Kieron Larson believes he is a strong chance to make it to the New Year’s Eve countdown tonight in something resembling a coherent state. 

Cracking open the first of many Steinlager Pures at 12:06pm, the 23 year-old did a quick “cheers boys” to a handful of mates at his good friend Jimmy’s house.

Our reporters were on scene as the New Year’s Eve festivities got underway.

“Gonna be a good one lads. Cheers to 2023! Drink up!” Larson cheered, while taking an unnecessarily large skull of his first beer.

“Gee take it easy Kezza. There’s a long way to go until the countdown tonight. You want some savouries?” asked friend Jimmy, who was concerned that Kieron’s first beer was nearly all gone despite no peer pressure to drink quickly at all.

“Nah I’m fine thanks. Eating’s cheating anyway haha!” laughed Larson who was reaching for his second beer and will definitely need food more than anyone else at this rate.

In fact Kieron has made a habit in recent times of not making it anywhere near the event he is pre drinking for. This includes many music festivals and also sports events where he has pushed the boat out way too far and far too early.

Jimmy gave his take to our reporters about how he sees things playing out.

“Well I’ve already hauled out the spare mattress and a couple of pillows for tonight. He ain’t making it close to the midnight countdown, let alone anywhere near getting himself into town at this rate,” explained his friend, who has seen many examples of Kieron’s poor drinking management.

As our reporters went to ask Kieron if he thought he’d make the NYE countdown, he was seen talking in a very loud voice to a group of people who had just arrived, surrounded by a handful of empty Steinlager Pure bottles.

More to come.

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The post Bloke Heroically Starts On The Beers At 12 In Quest To Make It To Midnight appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BACK TO WORK BLUES!

Kelly Higgins, 27, does not want to accept the reality she is in.

“It’s like I need a holiday to recover from my holiday!” laughed the Finance Administrator from Rotorua, surrounded by work colleagues. This comment and many more like it came after spending four weeks sleeping in and doing what she felt like.

While some of her colleagues at RLS Trust were pleased to hear that Kelly had a lovely time away, they were also keenly aware that the holidays were over and they were back at work.

“I mean, yep, we saw all the pics on her social media of the family gatherings, beach trips, and a walk up Mount Maunganui, but like, it’s over now Kelly, time to do some work” said Gavin Banks, also from RLT Trust’s finance team.

Higgins, seemingly creating an excuse for not quite being up to scratch on her first week back at work, was overheard making further comments to co-workers as the Whakataki Times sought comment.

“The holidays are over, I guess I need to start remembering which day of the week it is again haha!”

“I could swear there’s still sand in my hair haha!”

“Still not used to having to set an alarm haha!”

“Man, it’s hard to not want to pour a glass of wine when the clock ticks past 1pm isn’t it? hahaha!” 

Higgins was later seen uploading a post to Instagram of her coffee mug with the caption ‘The struggle is real.’

More to come.

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The post Woman Claims To Need Holiday To Recover From Her Holiday appeared first on The Whakataki Times.