PERFECTLY AVERAGE

A new report has stunned New Zealanders by confirming that Jetstar is not uniquely terrible, but is instead just doing the same annoying things as every other airline does, such as Air New Zealand.

“People like to act as though Jetstar invented flight delays,” said lead researcher Gavin Wilson. “But Air NZ has been delaying flights quietly and professionally for decades. They just do it in nicer fonts.”

The findings also revealed that Jetstar is, in fact, a budget airline, a detail the report says many passengers forget the moment they’re asked to pay for food onboard. “There’s this shock every time,” Wilson explained. “Someone will say, ‘What do you mean the coffee isn’t free?’ Mate, the ticket was $59”

Wilson also addressed frequent complaints about Jetstar closing bag drop early, explaining that this usually occurs because passengers have arrived late to the airport.

“If you miss bag drop, that’s not a system failure, that’s a time failure on you” Wilson said. “That’s you not understanding how clocks work. Air New Zealand does the same, but they just don’t cop as much heat.”

Jetstar spokesperson Sarah James said expectations were often “wildly out of proportion.” “You didn’t pay for luxury,” she said. “You paid to arrive somewhere eventually. And usually, that does happen.”

Air New Zealand was also named in the report as an airline that cancels flights for reasons ranging from bad weather to ‘operational reasons,’ which experts describe as “a phrase that means ‘we can’t be bothered explaining this.’”

At press time, both airlines were experiencing minor delays due to weather, staffing, aircraft availability, and the fact that it is a busy holiday time of year for travellers.

More to come.

The post REPORT: Jetstar In Fact Just Another Normal Airline That’s No Better Or Worse Than The Others appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CABIN SCRAMBLERS

Fynn Lacy, 29, cut a relaxed figure after his plane landed in Wellington this morning.

Flying from Christchurch to the capital city, Lacy found himself quietly amused during the familiar post-landing ritual, the moment the wheels touch down and half the plane immediately launches to their feet.

As the Air New Zealand flight rolled toward the gate, almost everyone around Lacy stood up, hunched under the overhead lockers, holding their bags like a starting pistol was about to fire. They stayed there for close to ten minutes, not moving anywhere and getting no closer to exiting the plane.

“What’s the point of it?,” he asked incredulously. “We all get off at the same time. Standing in the aisle doesn’t make the cabin crew door open any faster.”

He watched as passengers shifted awkwardly, shoulders pinned together, legs cramping while the cabin crew calmly reminded everyone they could sit and relax as the process unfolded, which no one took seriously.

“People were sweating and shuffling for ages,” Lacy said. “I stood up when our row actually moved, and I still exited at the exact same time as the people who’d been upright since we hit the runway.”

When the aircraft door finally opened, the ten-minute aisle standers advanced a grand total of one row at a time, the exact same pace as everyone else.

“Even when I got to the bag terminal, one woman’s bag came out after mine anyway. In theory, her exit from the airport took longer than mine, despite her thinking it would be the opposite.”

More to come.

The post Aisle Standers Successfully Shave 0.00 Seconds Off Their Time Taken To Get Off Plane appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

TOO MUCH TO ASK

Air New Zealand may have rolled out a new uniform collection for 2026, but for many passengers, the onboard experience will remain as dull as ever.

Frequent fliers on Air NZ may have found themselves nodding in tepid approval for the rollout next year, but many will return to their seat pocket in a desperate search for literally anything to read other than Kia Ora magazine.

While the airline’s press release gushed about the uniforms being “woven with kōwhaiwhai, purapura whetū, and the spiritual threads of Aotearoa,” 27-year-old Abbie Gilbert from Christchurch had just one question.

“Cool outfits and all that — I mean, good on them — but is it too much to ask for an inflight magazine that doesn’t make me feel like I’m stuck in a dentist’s waiting room?”

Gilbert has long been disappointed that the Kia Ora magazine remained the same as ever — full of 3-year-old restaurant reviews, a letter from the CEO explaining turbulence, and an extensive profile on a sustainability startup from Oamaru no one’s heard of.

“Honestly, 80% of that magazine is full page ads. Just give me something! Even if it’s just gossip about New Zealand instagram influencers!” she said. 

“Who will step up and save Kia Ora??”

More to come. 

The post Air NZ Unveils New Uniforms But Still No Revamp For Kia Ora Magazine appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MISSED OPPORTUNITY

Holly Carrigan, 25, missed a golden opportunity this morning. She had the chance to deliver top quality pre-holiday content to her numerous instagram followers, which would have been the perfect start to her trip to Queenstown – but she absolutely blew it. 

As she sat on the Air New Zealand plane that had just taken off from Wellington, signalling the start of her 10 day adventure, all Carrigan needed to do was point her phone out the window, take a photo, and hit ‘share’. We caught up with the distressed traveller to find out where it all went wrong.

“I don’t know what happened! This is the sort of photo that I usually just take instinctively, without even thinking about it. Normally this would be the most natural thing in the world,” explained a confused Carrigan.

“Something must’ve just been a bit off, you know? Like the normal routine of hopping on a flight was somehow disrupted.

“Actually now that I think of it, I was sitting in the window seat, with my phone out, about to take the money shot, when a very loud woman sat down next to me and was yakking on her phone,” she explained. 

“It threw me off completely. I just got distracted by this loud woman’s phone conversation. The flight attendant just about had to fight her to put the phone away before the plane took off. 

“Anyway, the point is, I completely forgot to take the photo out the plane window because I was preoccupied with a long-winded story about someone called Shelly and her new boyfriend. Bad start to the holiday!” she ranted. 

The Whakataki Times can confirm that on her first day in Queenstown Ms Carrigan plans to post a picture of herself and a friend in great big puffer jackets at The Ice Bar.

More to come.

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The post HOLIDAY MISHAP: Woman Forgets To Post Aerial Photo From Inside Plane appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THERE IF YOU NEED IT

Shanae Boswell has seen her fair share of people using the white paper sick bags in her experience as a flight attendant for Air New Zealand.

Now the 28 year-old has confirmed what many have thought the bags are predominantly used for.

Officially the paper receptacles on the back of plane seats are meant to support those suffering from air travel sickness, but Boswell can reveal that they’re actually just there for those who are travelling while extremely hungover, and pretty much nothing else.

Our reporters were on one of Air New Zealand’s flights today

“It’s pretty hard to believe that anyone is actually going to become violently ill from a bit of turbulence or a few bumps isn’t it? I mean when was the last time you ever saw or heard of anyone getting sick on a plane from that?” Boswell explained as she stocked up the backs of the seats with more bags.

“I see young males who come onto our planes running on less than four hours of sleep and often still visibly drunk from the night before. When they make use of them, it’s not because of any minor turbulence.”

Boswell’s claims match up with the fact that it has indeed been incredibly hard to find anyone who has been so affected by a few shakes on a domestic flight, that they have then had to vomit uncontrollably. 

However our reporters concluded that a few minor bumps during the duration of the flight could prompt a very hungover individual to reach for the small paper bags.

“Honestly, I can spot the hungover ones so easily that I almost feel like saying to them ‘there’s a bag there if you need it’.”

More to come.

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The post Sick Bag On Plane Actually Just For Those Passengers Who Happen To Be Viciously Hungover appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WASN’T WORTH A TRY

Wellington man Sheldon Maher foolishly got his hopes up on his Air New Zealand flight yesterday.

The man was on his way to a much deserved Spring getaway in Queenstown, a welcome reprieve from his hellishly dull job as a corporate services officer at the Ministry of Education. “Great to be feeling the excitement of arriving at the airport and then hopping on a plane to catch up with mates. We’re coming from all around the country to meet up in a neutral location.

“Was all going according to plan until I spotted the Kia Ora magazine, just sitting there in the pocket of the back of the seat in front of me.

“It caught my eye for some reason. Don’t know why, but I thought maybe this time there might be a good story in there for me.

“Maybe something on the All Blacks? Gah, not sure what I was thinking exactly,” explained the man who had just been taken for an absolute ride by the kiwi airline, once again.

“But no, of course not. Not a single article there for me. The thing was chock-a-block full of full-page ads and not much else!

“The best they could do was an article called Top 10 Things To See And Do In Auckland, urgh…” he groaned. “Who goes on holiday and leaves it up until the plane ride to work out what they’re going to do, based on recommendations by Kia Ora??”

Mr Maher then appeared to be getting exceedingly agitated by the mere existence of the magazine. “Why is it still a thing? Everyone’s got a phone for entertainment. And even the people who follow the “flight mode” rules should be organised enough to download something to keep them busy. 

“Get with the times Air New Zealand! Free magazines?? Surprised the climate change nutters haven’t been onto you for wasting paper!”

More to come.

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The post FOOLED AGAIN: Air NZ Passenger Opens “Kia Ora” Magazine Thinking It Will Be Interesting appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RED FLAG!

Graeme Simmons has drawn an unwelcome amount of attention to himself today. 

Alarm bells went off as the 48 year-old data analyst incomprehensibly chose to obey every single flight crew instruction on an Air New Zealand flight from Napier to Wellington. 

“I couldn’t help myself. The rules are there to be followed,” said Simmons, who had turned his cell phone off fifteen minutes before boarding the aircraft.

Simmons was seated next to 29 year-old Lucy Tomilson who was left mentally scarred by the experience.

“He was just very, very odd, like, scarily so. I mean, he fastened his seatbelt the second he sat down. And then he just sits there and intently listens to the flight crew’s instructions. He made me feel really unsafe.” 

Opting not to wear any form of headset or take a chance with bluetooth technology, Simmons opened up to the Whakataki Times who were invited onboard the delayed flight.

“The journey is the reward isn’t it? Better delayed than cancelled” chirped the long-term divorcee while studiously reading the inflight Kia Ora magazine filled with ads.

Simmons’ behaviour created equal concern for 33 year-old flight attendant Sarah Robinson.

“It was quite frightening, not just for me, but for the other passengers. He’s a regular traveller with us, but I found it completely bizarre that he sat up as tall as a meerkat and listened to my every word about the safety briefing. Like seriously mate, those laminated safety briefing cards never change. Just relax a bit.”

Upon landing Simmons remained buckled in and sat as still as a statue while everyone else hastily exited the aircraft.

He then appeared to wait for every single other passenger to disembark before he did, and so the Whakataki Times can not confirm whether Simmons ever actually got off the plane.

More to come.

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