GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture
GROWS ON TREES
Auckland credit assessor Julia Hampton has had a normal and even joyful morning, after breezily contributing to the country’s rampant inflation problem.
“Another happy couple getting into their first home. I love my job so much, so rewarding,” she said as she stepped away from ANZ for a celebratory coffee and cheese scone.
Ms. Hampton had just given the green light on a loan for Papakura couple Ryan and Laura, who are now officially homeowners. While this is fantastic news for the happy couple, it would appear Julia had no idea how mortgages really work.
“Yeah, I approved the loan and now our bank has lent them the money to buy a beautiful new home, and all they have to do now is pay the loan back over 30 years with interest applied,” she said before slurping her oat milk flat white.
Hampton however conveniently missed out the minor detail about the bank not technically holding any money at all for the loan in the first place. All they really do is type a number and the money appears out of thin air, as a number on a screen.
“Haha well what is money anyway, really,” she laughed while having literally no idea what the answer was to her own question.
Ryan and Laura will now spend the next 30 years paying the bank money that never existed in the first place, plus interest on that money that was actually thin air only moments ago. Unfortunately the new homeowners will not be able to create their own money out of thin air to pay the mortgage off, and will instead have to work for it.
“Oh how good is it to finally get on the property ladder though! Such a relief!” said Laura, choosing not to focus on the sick reality of the global financial system.
Ryan meanwhile appeared to be realising that the world was actually being run on fake money and theft and is now in danger of going down multiple rabbit holes on the internet.
More to come.
