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Less recent news

shocked teen girl in mall on phone

Teen Who “Literally Died” Miraculously Still Alive

THE SECOND COMING…

A young Gen Zed-er has defied death itself by telling her friends about the time she passed away.

Beth O’Malley was talking to a friend, casually retelling a mildly embarrassing encounter with the parents of her ex-boyfriend, when she made the stunning revelation.

“…I was just like, ‘Aaahhh’. I literally died,” she concluded.

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Quite old news

Kane Williamson on twenty dollar note

Rogue Cricket Fan Working At Reserve Bank Prints Off $100k Worth Of King Kane Twenties

CRICKET ROYALTY.

Duncan Goodham, a self-proclaimed cricket fanatic and low-level employee at the country’s Reserve Bank in Wellington, went rogue from his normal duties today, and decided to honour arguably New Zealand’s best ever cricketer Kane Williamson. 

Inspired by Williamson’s 31st test century yesterday, Goodham has immortalised the Blackcaps batsman on the nation’s currency. The cricket extremist was able to gain access to the Reserve Bank printing press, and managed to replace the face of the late Queen Elizabeth on New Zealand’s $20 note.

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man and woman looking at report with flooded street in background

SHOCKING REVELATION: Leaked Report Shows Wellington Water Shortage Due To All The Leaky Pipes

WATER GATE. 

A leaked document has revealed that the real culprit behind Wellington’s water woes is its poorly maintained and leaking pipes.

Wellington residents have been repeatedly told to limit water usage over the last few weeks, as the capital deals with a water shortage, meaning  residential sprinklers and irrigation are banned but people can still water their gardens by hand with a hose. 

The leaked report points the finger at dilapidated infrastructure and surprisingly did not blame climate change, environmental factors, or even a malevolent water-stealing conspiracy. However Wellington Council’s cycle lanes have been identified as partly responsible for distracting from the focus on water.

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man watching cricket on tv, thinking about 1999 black caps

Local Bloke Enjoying Free-To-Air Cricket Like It’s 1999

BACK IN THE DAY.

A Palmerston North man is feeling like he’s stepped into a time warp these past few weeks, as he has been happily watching the Black Caps take on Pakistan without paying a single cent in subscription fees.  

Aidan Tapper, a 31 year old team leader at Pak n Save, says this is the way things should be. 

“It’s like the old days! Been cutting back on subscriptions so haven’t had Sky Sport for a year now, and yet somehow I’m watching live cricket!” he said, over the moon.

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elderly man holding head thinking about the ACC at the black clash cricket match

Older Gentleman Decides To Enjoy Black Clash Cricket Match Despite “Those Clowns In The Commentary”

JUST CALL THE MATCH.

North Shore retiree Ian Walgrave, 72, has given up on the possibility of watching the T20 Black Clash match with some normal, informed commentary. 

The former arborist has watched the yearly match for the last five years and has consistently been annoyed by the commentary of the Alternative Commentary Collective, also known as the ACC. 

“They’re just idiots. They don’t know what they’re talking about. How about some real cricket stats that haven’t been plucked from someone’s backside?

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Sport

Kane Williamson on twenty dollar note

Rogue Cricket Fan Working At Reserve Bank Prints Off $100k Worth Of King Kane Twenties

CRICKET ROYALTY.

Duncan Goodham, a self-proclaimed cricket fanatic and low-level employee at the country’s Reserve Bank in Wellington, went rogue from his normal duties today, and decided to honour arguably New Zealand’s best ever cricketer Kane Williamson. 

Inspired by Williamson’s 31st test century yesterday, Goodham has immortalised the Blackcaps batsman on the nation’s currency. The cricket extremist was able to gain access to the Reserve Bank printing press, and managed to replace the face of the late Queen Elizabeth on New Zealand’s $20 note.

Read More »
annoyed palmy man with dishwasher in background

Cowardly Dishwasher Washes Half The Dishes And Blames Person Who Loaded It

WHERE’S THE ACCOUNTABILITY?

A Fisher and Paykel dishwasher is pointing fingers today after failing to complete the job that it was named to do. 

The dishwasher located in a student flat on Ada Street, Palmerston North, carried out its regular cycle at 10.20 this morning, but somehow left food and drink on half the cups and plates.

Sarah Miller, 20, instantly suggested her flatmate Jared had loaded the dishwasher incorrectly, while the dishwasher sat silently making no attempt to take responsibility for a poor job.

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Politics

Golriz in stationery cupboard with missing green pens

Golriz Resigns, All Those Missing Pens Return

STATIONERY SCANDAL.

The resignation of Greens MP, Golriz Ghahraman, has seen more than 1,000 branded pens returned to Green Party headquarters today, solving a mystery that had been hanging over the party for months.

Back in July 2023, former policy intern, Hannah Brent, had been tasked with ordering all the logo-clad clobber the Greens planned on giving away in the lead-up to the parliamentary election. Among the mass-produced merch were 1,000 biodegradable ballpoint pens, made with paper and recycled plastic, filled with eco-friendly ink, and shipped all the way from India.

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