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Top story

reece walsh forward pass against the warriors

Warriors Game Plan Would Have Changed If They Knew Forward Passing Was Allowed

September 24, 2023

WHO KNEW?

The Warriors are ruing their missed chances in last night’s semi-final against the Brisbane Broncos, after being made aware late in the game that passing the ball forward was indeed allowed.

The Warriors, who lost 42-12 at Suncorp Stadium, have admitted they would have changed their game plan completely if they realised passing the ball forward was part of the rules in the NRL.

The Broncos happily used the rule-change to their advantage when fullback Reece Walsh made a break and threw it noticeably forward, which was followed by another pass which looked just as forward, resulting in a Jordan Riki try.

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Recent headlines

News

warriors celebrating with clock in foreground.

Daylight Savings Criticised For Not Making The Warriors Kickoff An Hour Earlier

September 23, 2023

DO BETTER.

Daylight Savings has come under fire recently for not doing more for Warriors fans this weekend. 

As Daylight Savings prepares to somehow make time go forward overnight, many have questioned why its powers could not be used to make the Warriors game in Brisbane (9.50 pm NZT) an hour earlier for TV viewers in New Zealand. 

New Plymouth based share milker Gaz McKinnon, 22, is filthy about it. 

“Where’s the accountability? Where’s the consideration for the common man? Just another kick in the teeth for the average Wahs fan isn’t it?

Read More »
office chat between two men and a woman in a warriors jersey

Quiet Team Admin Mysteriously Experiencing More Attention Than Usual This Casual Friday

September 22, 2023

SOMETHING’S DIFFERENT.

Katie Quinn is the kind of girl who usually blends into the background at her Wellington office.
However today she emerged as the star of the show, proudly adorned in Warriors garb.
“I’m usually pretty quiet in the office but I’ve always loved the Warriors,” Katie said with a grin. “Big game tomorrow so I thought today’s the day to let everyone know it,” giggled the 25-year old, sitting down in her current season Warriors jersey.
The Warriors are set to play the Brisbane Broncos in tomorrow night’s NRL semi-final clash in Brisbane and Katie’s dedication to showing support for the team has turned a few heads in the office.

Read More »
woman in open plan office

Woman Shows She’s Down To Earth By Starting Group Email With “Hey Guys”

September 22, 2023

RELATABLE.

A new senior manager at the Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment has sent shockwaves through the department with a brash opening to her first group email.

In contrast to modern email etiquette, recently appointed Director of Policy and Partnerships Molly Franklin started her introductory email to her team with “Hey guys”.

Franklin says she thought long and hard about opting for a safer, less gendered term such as “team” or even “whanau”, but opted for a more collegial tone.

Read More »

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Less recent news

relieved man smiling and thinking of ardie savea wearing goggles and his phone confirming with a google search.

Local Bloke Confirms He Didn’t Just Imagine Ardie Wearing Those Goggles That Time

September 14, 2023

DEFINITELY HAPPENED.

A Napier man was relieved to find out this morning that he didn’t just imagine Ardie Savea wearing those goggles that one time during the 2019 Rugby World Cup. 

Jordan McDonald, 30, has finally put to rest a nagging doubt that has plagued him for almost four years.

McDonald woke up today and was suddenly struck once again by an inner vision of Ardie Savea, lining up for the All Blacks wearing a pair of what looked like black, oversized scuba goggles.

Read More »
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Quite old news

hungover man in ABs jersey

Unplanned Hangover Fails To Stop Man From Getting Up For The All Blacks

September 9, 2023

CALL OF DUTY. 

Kane Whitty defied the forces of the external world and a pounding headache to get himself up for the opening game of the Rugby World Cup this morning.

With the All Blacks scheduled to kick off their campaign against the host nation France at 7:15am, the 29 year-old from Christchurch managed to deny himself a much needed Saturday morning sleep in after a night of too many over-priced craft beers. 

“Morning guys. Hey, at least I’m up in time for the haka. Can’t miss that!” Whitty said in a slurred voice, still likely pissed from a few hours ago, but had somehow managed to haul out his All Blacks jersey.

Read More »
man shopping in pak n save

Local Bloke Already Paying Zero GST On Fruit And Veg By Not Buying Any

August 27, 2023

BEATING THE SYSTEM.

Following Labour’s promise to remove GST from fruit and vegetables, a Palmerston North man has already figured out how to achieve this tax break – by simply not purchasing any fruits or vegetables in the first place.

John Thompson, 28, shares a flat with two other males and regularly shops at his local Pak n Save. While Labour is touting the merits of GST reduction on healthy foods, Thompson has been minding his own business, opting for a diet that sidesteps the issue entirely.

Read More »
All blacks losing to South Africa with the Space Jam aliens in the foreground.

Aliens Steal All Blacks’ Talent Ahead Of Match Against Bugs Bunny

August 26, 2023

ONLY EXPLANATION. 

As New Zealanders and rugby fans around the world are grappling with the magnitude of a record All Blacks defeat today, a new theory explaining their humiliating loss has emerged.

That being, the aliens known as the “Monstars” from the movie Space Jam, stole the All Blacks players’ talent as they had a game of rugby themselves coming up against Bugs Bunny and the Looney Tunes.

Read More »
dad watching tv on couch early in the morning

Local Dad Pleased With All Blacks’ 6.30 Kickoff Because He’ll Be Up Anyway

August 25, 2023

WHO NEEDS A SLEEP IN?

33-year-old Nelson dad Mark Henderson expressed an unusual level of enthusiasm about tomorrow’s All Blacks match against South Africa at Twickenham, scheduled for the ungodly hour of 6.30 am New Zealand time. 

While many are groaning about the early kickoff, Henderson is reportedly delighted because, unlike carefree men without children, he’s already wide awake and ready to seize the day.

Read More »

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Sport

reece walsh forward pass against the warriors

Warriors Game Plan Would Have Changed If They Knew Forward Passing Was Allowed

September 24, 2023

WHO KNEW?

The Warriors are ruing their missed chances in last night’s semi-final against the Brisbane Broncos, after being made aware late in the game that passing the ball forward was indeed allowed.

The Warriors, who lost 42-12 at Suncorp Stadium, have admitted they would have changed their game plan completely if they realised passing the ball forward was part of the rules in the NRL.

The Broncos happily used the rule-change to their advantage when fullback Reece Walsh made a break and threw it noticeably forward, which was followed by another pass which looked just as forward, resulting in a Jordan Riki try.

Read More »
pink haired hipster girl thinking about the all blacks and warriors losing.

Smug Millennial Eagerly Asks “How Was All The Sportsball Over The Weekend?”

September 11, 2023

COULDN’T WAIT.

Wellington based millennial and active opponent of all things sporting, Ruby Galbraith basically ran into the office this morning. 

The 29 year old was completely across the two main sporting results of the weekend, knowing that both the All Blacks and the Warriors had suffered disappointing losses in important matches. 

Casually bumping into Sam Ellison and Josh Orr in the kitchen making coffee, Galbraith innocently asked them “Hey guys, how was all the sportsball over the weekend?”.

Read More »
More sport...

Culture

woman in open plan office

Woman Shows She’s Down To Earth By Starting Group Email With “Hey Guys”

September 22, 2023

RELATABLE.

A new senior manager at the Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment has sent shockwaves through the department with a brash opening to her first group email.

In contrast to modern email etiquette, recently appointed Director of Policy and Partnerships Molly Franklin started her introductory email to her team with “Hey guys”.

Franklin says she thought long and hard about opting for a safer, less gendered term such as “team” or even “whanau”, but opted for a more collegial tone.

Read More »
chris hipkins and chris luxon playing punk rock on stage with their album in the foreground

Punk Rock Revival Underway With Crunchy New Album From The Chrises

September 4, 2023

ALBUM REVIEW: “Mostly The Same” by The Chrises.

Punk rock has always been a genre known for its rebellious spirit, but The Chrises, an unlikely duo consisting of New Zealand Prime Minister Chris Hipkins and National Party Leader Chris Luxon, have taken that spirit to a whole new level with their debut album, “Mostly The Same.”

From the moment you press play, it’s clear that The Chrises are unapologetically challenging the status quo of punk rock. The album kicks off with the blistering track “Political Mayhem,” which is a raw and aggressive commentary on the chaotic world of politics. Hipkins and Luxon’s contrasting vocal styles add a unique dynamic to the song, with Hipkins delivering rapid-fire verses while Luxon provides powerful, anthemic choruses.

Read More »
More culture...
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Politics

Adrian Orr, reserve bank governor

Reserve Bank Governor Insists He Was Just Kidding When He Said Inflation Was Under Control

September 21, 2023

LOL JK.

Reserve Bank Governor Adrian Orr says New Zealanders have no sense of humour after coming under fire as the cost of living continues to rise.

In an announcement on Thursday, Orr proudly confirmed New Zealand’s economy was up 0.9%, ending fears of a recession.

In May, Orr suggested inflation was under control, and he didn’t expect to see the Official Cash Rate rise further than where it was, at 5.5%.

Read More »
man shopping in pak n save

Local Bloke Already Paying Zero GST On Fruit And Veg By Not Buying Any

August 27, 2023

BEATING THE SYSTEM.

Following Labour’s promise to remove GST from fruit and vegetables, a Palmerston North man has already figured out how to achieve this tax break – by simply not purchasing any fruits or vegetables in the first place.

John Thompson, 28, shares a flat with two other males and regularly shops at his local Pak n Save. While Labour is touting the merits of GST reduction on healthy foods, Thompson has been minding his own business, opting for a diet that sidesteps the issue entirely.

Read More »
More politics...

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DISCLAIMER: NZ satire has a long tradition. The Whakataki Times is a satirical news website, which means the stories are made up for comedic effect.