The Whakataki Times | Trusted news that's important

Top story

man winning award at the beehive

Local Man Gets “Spirit Of Democracy” Award For Once Again Giving Vote To Legalise Cannabis Party

November 9, 2026

CIVIC DUTY.

Recent headlines

one eyed cantab with championship canterbury team celebrating.

One-Eyed Cantab Calmly Digests Canterbury NPC Win And Declares It “Morally Correct”

October 30, 2026

chloe swarbrick trick or treating david seymour

TRICK OR TREAT: Chlöe Swarbrick Haunts David Seymour By Knocking On His Door Dressed As Finance Minister

October 29, 2026

woman in gym disappointed looking at chrises on phone

Election Coverage Continues to Interrupt Gym Videos, Putting Hot Girl Summer at Risk

October 27, 2026

man on couch with beer

Local Man Straps In For Four Day Week That Will Inevitably Still Feel Like Five

October 26, 2026

luxkins on q and a eating jack tame's hand

Jack Tame Tragically Loses Hand During Interview With Grand Coalition Monster Chris Luxkins

October 21, 2026

Less recent news

man on laptop with beer at pub

Phoenix Fan Closely Analyses First Game Of Season And Concludes That It’s Their Year

October 18, 2026

OUR YEAR!

man having beer at office drinks

Bloke Who Sends Monstrously Formal Emails Actually Quite Relaxed In Real Life

October 17, 2026

chloe and marama with new gang style leathers

NEW TEAM KIT: Greens Swap Their Keffiyehs For Freshly Patched Leather Jackets

October 15, 2026

chloe and quilae

Chlöe Annoyed That Media Are Obsessed With “That New Qiulae Girl”

October 14, 2026

winston with kiwibank sheep

Winston Promises To Buy Back BNZ And Give The Kiwibank Sheep A Job There

October 13, 2026

The Whakataki Times – the backbone of New Zealand’s news.

Quite old news

CASE DISMISSED.

Dupes Back In All Blacks After Enduring Long Painful Sentence With Lions

October 12, 2026

CASE DISMISSED.

Will Jordan Ruins Profitable Night For TAB With Last Minute Try

October 11, 2026

bored family in Twizel

Family Drives 300km To Get Away From Everything Before Complaining There’s Nothing To Do

October 8, 2026

man at recycling plant

Factory Manager Builds Team Of Good People That Will Leave And Useless Ones That Will Stay

October 7, 2026

woman on computer in office

Local Woman CCs In Bloke’s Manager Like The Calculating Assassin She Is

October 6, 2026

tired dad with toddler dropping rice

DINNERTIME DOMINANCE: Local Toddler Drops A Significant Amount Of Rice On The Floor

October 1, 2026

orange guy in hell with blood dripping from his fingers and face.

Election Demon Gets Makeover To Fool Pathetic Mortals Into Trusting It

September 29, 2026

chippy eating sausage roll

Chris Hipkins Commits To Eating 1000 Sausage Rolls Between Now And The Election

September 29, 2026

man on laptop saying thanks to chatgpt

Local Bloke Confident AI Won’t Kill Him After Years Of Saying Please And Thank You To ChatGPT

September 26, 2026

woman on zoom call

New Curriculum Ideas So Awesome They Have To Be Kept Secret From Public

September 25, 2026

ben lummis thinking about nrl final

Ben Lummis Confirms He Can Be Ready By NRL Grand Final Day

September 24, 2026

nicky hager having a coffee outside

Nicky Hager Says Next Year’s Book Will Be Something Light And Cheerful

September 23, 2026

CHANGING THINGS UP.

anonymous man talking about warriors

Man Comes Forward About Watching No Warriors Games All Year And Then Causing Semifinal Loss By Watching It

September 21, 2026

THE CURSE.

man in office thinking of sydney sweeney

Office Bloke Nods Politely While Female Colleagues Complain About Sydney Sweeney

September 18, 2026

MIND OVER MATTER.

Sport

man at TAB watching racing

Local Man’s Brief Feeling Of Hope Comes Crashing Down On Last Straight Of Melbourne Cup

November 3, 2026

WALLET WIPEOUT.

one eyed cantab with championship canterbury team celebrating.

One-Eyed Cantab Calmly Digests Canterbury NPC Win And Declares It “Morally Correct”

October 30, 2026

man on laptop with beer at pub

Phoenix Fan Closely Analyses First Game Of Season And Concludes That It’s Their Year

October 18, 2026

CASE DISMISSED.

Dupes Back In All Blacks After Enduring Long Painful Sentence With Lions

October 12, 2026

Will Jordan Ruins Profitable Night For TAB With Last Minute Try

October 11, 2026

ben lummis thinking about nrl final

Ben Lummis Confirms He Can Be Ready By NRL Grand Final Day

September 24, 2026

IDOL RETURNS

anonymous man talking about warriors

Man Comes Forward About Watching No Warriors Games All Year And Then Causing Semifinal Loss By Watching It

September 21, 2026

kirifi in hi vis at game

REVEALED: Du’Plessis Kirifi Named As Prime Suspect After Referee Comms Blackout

September 15, 2026

dupes flying plane

Pilot Flying Dangerously Low At Cape Town Test Revealed To Be Du’Plessis Kirifi

September 4, 2026

Old Boy At Pub Annoyed That He Has Nothing To Complain About

August 23, 2026

helen clark and beauden barrett

Helen Clark Says Beauden Barrett Should Be Starting At Fullback

August 19, 2026

man bowling in hallway imagining bowling batsman out

Bloke Who Hasn’t Played Cricket In A Decade Suddenly Practices Bowling Action In Hallway

August 16, 2026

steaming Duplessis Kirifi

DUPES AT 12: Wellington Lions Confirm “Just Let The Angry Man Loose” Is The Game Plan

August 6, 2026

Angry Kirifi thinking about his all blacks jersey

Overlooked Du’Plessis Kirifi’s Pent Up Rage Expected To Be Released On Hawke’s Bay This Sunday

August 1, 2026

old boy at pub visualising pink and yellow boots on all blacks.

Old Boy At The Pub Says “All Blacks Should Wear Black Boots, None Of This Pink And Yellow Bullshit”

July 19, 2026

woman daydreaming about beauden barrett

Local Woman Demands To Know Where “Her Beauden” Is Following Latest All Blacks Team Naming

July 17, 2026

Culture

woman in gym disappointed looking at chrises on phone

Election Coverage Continues to Interrupt Gym Videos, Putting Hot Girl Summer at Risk

October 27, 2026

SCROLL ON BY.

man on couch with beer

Local Man Straps In For Four Day Week That Will Inevitably Still Feel Like Five

October 26, 2026

man having beer at office drinks

Bloke Who Sends Monstrously Formal Emails Actually Quite Relaxed In Real Life

October 17, 2026

bored family in Twizel

Family Drives 300km To Get Away From Everything Before Complaining There’s Nothing To Do

October 8, 2026

man at recycling plant

Factory Manager Builds Team Of Good People That Will Leave And Useless Ones That Will Stay

October 7, 2026

woman on computer in office

Local Woman CCs In Bloke’s Manager Like The Calculating Assassin She Is

October 6, 2026

TACTICAL STRIKE.

tired dad with toddler dropping rice

DINNERTIME DOMINANCE: Local Toddler Drops A Significant Amount Of Rice On The Floor

October 1, 2026

man on laptop saying thanks to chatgpt

Local Bloke Confident AI Won’t Kill Him After Years Of Saying Please And Thank You To ChatGPT

September 26, 2026

man in office thinking of sydney sweeney

Office Bloke Nods Politely While Female Colleagues Complain About Sydney Sweeney

September 18, 2026

man on couch thinking about streaming services.

Local Bloke Still Paying Monthly Bills For Three Streaming Services He Doesn’t Use

September 13, 2026

man with tv in garage

Local Bloke’s Old TV Begins Year Long Sentence In Garage Before Eventual Transfer To Rubbish Dump

September 8, 2026

stressed mum tidying up.

Local Mum Announces Nobody Is Helping While Rejecting Every Offer Of Help

September 5, 2026

woman in office with laptop thinking about Outlook

Employee Types “Hope You’re Well” In Email To Colleague She Doesn’t Care About At All

September 1, 2026

man looking in fridge

Man Opens Fridge For Fifth Time In 20 Minutes Hoping New Food Has Appeared

August 28, 2026

man at run club on phone thinking about girl

Local Bloke Enters Early Friend Zone After Getting Called “Mate” Via DM

August 22, 2026

woman running by beach

Local Woman Getting Into Fitness Now Convinced She Has A Weird Running Style

August 17, 2026

go on.. get some pies.

Politics

man winning award at the beehive

Local Man Gets “Spirit Of Democracy” Award For Once Again Giving Vote To Legalise Cannabis Party

November 9, 2026

CIVIC DUTY.

qiulae wong at marathon

Qiulae Failed To Inform Auckland Marathon Organisers That She Is In Fact A Cybernetic Robot

November 4, 2026

man thinking about national and labour

Unhappy Bloke Who’s Voting In Election Predicted To Remain Unhappy Regardless Of Result

November 2, 2026

chloe swarbrick trick or treating david seymour

TRICK OR TREAT: Chlöe Swarbrick Haunts David Seymour By Knocking On His Door Dressed As Finance Minister

October 29, 2026

luxkins on q and a eating jack tame's hand

Jack Tame Tragically Loses Hand During Interview With Grand Coalition Monster Chris Luxkins

October 21, 2026

chloe and marama with new gang style leathers

NEW TEAM KIT: Greens Swap Their Keffiyehs For Freshly Patched Leather Jackets

October 15, 2026

OUT WITH THE OLD.

chloe and quilae

Chlöe Annoyed That Media Are Obsessed With “That New Qiulae Girl”

October 14, 2026

winston with kiwibank sheep

Winston Promises To Buy Back BNZ And Give The Kiwibank Sheep A Job There

October 13, 2026

chippy eating sausage roll

Chris Hipkins Commits To Eating 1000 Sausage Rolls Between Now And The Election

September 29, 2026

nicky hager having a coffee outside

Nicky Hager Says Next Year’s Book Will Be Something Light And Cheerful

September 23, 2026

chris luxon doing his pak n save shopping

Luxon Breaking Up Supermarket Duopoly So He Can Finally Achieve His $60 Weekly Shop

September 16, 2026

green mps stocking shelves

Chlöe Says All Greens MPs Will Be Stocking Shelves At Night In Government-Owned Supermarket

September 14, 2026

mega chris and taxinda 2.0

Chris Luxkins Releases Brand New Humanoid Robot Candidate For Natbour, “Taxinda 2.0”

September 10, 2026

luxon and hipkins eating

SHOCK POLL: Luxon And Hipkins Spotted Comfort-Eating Sausage Rolls In Parliament Kitchen

September 7, 2026

luxon thinking about wahs and waratahs

Third Leadership Challenge On The Cards After Luxon Mixes Up Warriors And Waratahs

September 3, 2026

tamatha paul in front of rental properties in wellington

Tamatha Paul Launches Property Management Company To Help Fellow MPs Manage Their Rentals

September 2, 2026