The Whakataki Times | Trusted news that's important

Top story

Angry Kirifi thinking about his all blacks jersey

Overlooked Du’Plessis Kirifi’s Pent Up Rage Expected To Be Released On Hawke’s Bay This Sunday

August 1, 2026

FRESH VICTIMS.

Recent headlines

man on train looking out window

Local Maniac Rides Train With No Phone Out, No Headphones, Just His Own Thoughts

July 22, 2026

old boy at pub visualising pink and yellow boots on all blacks.

Old Boy At The Pub Says “All Blacks Should Wear Black Boots, None Of This Pink And Yellow Bullshit”

July 19, 2026

Newly Spawned “Mega Chris” Takes Natbour Campaign On The Road

July 18, 2026

woman daydreaming about beauden barrett

Local Woman Demands To Know Where “Her Beauden” Is Following Latest All Blacks Team Naming

July 17, 2026

england fan thinking about argentina win

England Fan Adds Another Layer Of Disappointment To Personality

July 16, 2026

News

couple looking around open home with real estate agent

Local Couple Somehow Have Entire Future Planned Out By End Of 15 Minute House Viewing

July 31, 2026

DREAM DWELLING.

woman on couch with cup

Local Woman Will Have Cup Of Tea If Husband Is Making One

July 28, 2026

DOMESTIC DIPLOMACY.

sad chippy with happy henry

Chippy Hipkins Disappointed That Paul Henry Doesn’t Want To Shag Or Marry Him

July 23, 2026

LOVE LOST.

Less recent news

bumble and two mice at Act party convention

Former Broadcaster Bumble Will Run For Election As Act Candidate

July 15, 2026

ELECTION BUZZ.

man having coffee at cafe

Admirable Vegan Man Endures Black Coffee Instead Of Having Oat Milk Like A Coward

July 14, 2026

christopher luxon with headline about wife's robot lawnmower

Expert Believes Luxon Would Be More Relatable If He Didn’t Talk

July 10, 2026

Luxon, madison square garden and taylor swift in queenstown

Luxon Furious Taylor Swift Had Wedding At Madison Square Garden Instead Of Queenstown

July 6, 2026

The Whakataki Times – the backbone of New Zealand’s news.

Quite old news

old boy at pub thinking about will jordan try.

Old Boy At Pub Accepts All Blacks Win But Naturally Expects 30 Point Demolitions From Now On

July 5, 2026

TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT.

young lady daydreaming about ruben love

Female Viewership Of All Blacks Test Set To Surge With Ruben Love Named To Start

July 3, 2026

Couple whispering while real estate agent waits patiently.

Couple Spend Entire Open Home Whispering Different Renovation Ideas To Each Other

July 2, 2026

man getting award and phone with instagram open

Local Man Accepts Community Service Award For Using Social Media To Point Out “AI Slop”

July 1, 2026

Luxon and phone with instagram at parliament

Luxon Says Best Thing About Social Media Ban Is That It’s Easier To Sort Than Cost Of Living

June 30, 2026

giant chris luxon and chris hipkins hybrid

GRAND COALITION: Chris Luxon And Chris Hipkins Finally Fuse Together To Become One Giant Chris

June 28, 2026

woman at night and day thinking about milk

Woman Who Said She Would Just Grab Milk Returns Home With Ice Cream, Lollies, And No Milk

June 26, 2026

Tim Payne and Tim Paine

KIWI VICTORY: Tim Payne Now More Famous Than Australia’s Tim Paine Ever Was

June 25, 2026

ghost of gorliz gharaman plu other greens mps

GHOST OF GOLRIZ: Greens Tax Plan Haunted By Urge To Take Things That Don’t Belong To Them

June 22, 2026

tim payne thinking about mo salah's instagram.

Tim Payne Says Instagram Is Irrelevant After Seeing Egypt’s Mo Salah’s Follower Count

June 21, 2026

old boy watching football at pub and remembering hollywood performance by Neymar

Old Boy At Pub Predictably Disgusted By “Bunch Of Hollywoods” At World Cup

June 20, 2026

man having pie on courtenay place.

Uni Student Graciously Credits 12.40 AM Pie And V For B-Minus All-Nighter Result

June 19, 2026

CLUTCH PERFORMANCE.

weary canes fan remembering 2015 final

Weary Hurricanes Fan Heads Into Final Still Scarred by 2015 Defeat

June 19, 2026

EMOTIONALLY WOUNDED.

one eyed cantab at wellington stadium

“Super Rugby Finals Don’t Run Without Crusaders,” Says One-Eyed Cantab Arriving Early At Cake Tin

June 19, 2026

SEEING RED.

Sport

Angry Kirifi thinking about his all blacks jersey

Overlooked Du’Plessis Kirifi’s Pent Up Rage Expected To Be Released On Hawke’s Bay This Sunday

August 1, 2026

FRESH VICTIMS.

old boy at pub visualising pink and yellow boots on all blacks.

Old Boy At The Pub Says “All Blacks Should Wear Black Boots, None Of This Pink And Yellow Bullshit”

July 19, 2026

woman daydreaming about beauden barrett

Local Woman Demands To Know Where “Her Beauden” Is Following Latest All Blacks Team Naming

July 17, 2026

england fan thinking about argentina win

England Fan Adds Another Layer Of Disappointment To Personality

July 16, 2026

old boy at pub thinking about will jordan try.

Old Boy At Pub Accepts All Blacks Win But Naturally Expects 30 Point Demolitions From Now On

July 5, 2026

young lady daydreaming about ruben love

Female Viewership Of All Blacks Test Set To Surge With Ruben Love Named To Start

July 3, 2026

THE GAME OF LOVE.

Tim Payne and Tim Paine

KIWI VICTORY: Tim Payne Now More Famous Than Australia’s Tim Paine Ever Was

June 25, 2026

tim payne thinking about mo salah's instagram.

Tim Payne Says Instagram Is Irrelevant After Seeing Egypt’s Mo Salah’s Follower Count

June 21, 2026

old boy watching football at pub and remembering hollywood performance by Neymar

Old Boy At Pub Predictably Disgusted By “Bunch Of Hollywoods” At World Cup

June 20, 2026

weary canes fan remembering 2015 final

Weary Hurricanes Fan Heads Into Final Still Scarred by 2015 Defeat

June 19, 2026

one eyed cantab at wellington stadium

“Super Rugby Finals Don’t Run Without Crusaders,” Says One-Eyed Cantab Arriving Early At Cake Tin

June 19, 2026

super rugby final poster and weather forecast

Forecast For Wellington’s Super Rugby Final Naturally Includes Rain And Wind

June 18, 2026

DOUBLE THREAT.

TOP OF GROUP G: All Whites Credit Eli Just’s Goalscoring And Tim Payne’s Instagram

June 17, 2026

all whites celebrating but petrol prices rising

All Whites Push Petrol Prices Even Higher After Draw With Iran

June 16, 2026

tim payne with ronaldo and messi lurking

Messi And Ronaldo Spotted Hovering Around Tim Payne For Clout

June 1, 2026

tim payne playing football with news items

Tim Payne Now Feeling Immense Global Pressure To Post More Content

May 29, 2026

Culture

couple looking around open home with real estate agent

Local Couple Somehow Have Entire Future Planned Out By End Of 15 Minute House Viewing

July 31, 2026

DREAM DWELLING.

woman on couch with cup

Local Woman Will Have Cup Of Tea If Husband Is Making One

July 28, 2026

man on train looking out window

Local Maniac Rides Train With No Phone Out, No Headphones, Just His Own Thoughts

July 22, 2026

man having coffee at cafe

Admirable Vegan Man Endures Black Coffee Instead Of Having Oat Milk Like A Coward

July 14, 2026

Couple whispering while real estate agent waits patiently.

Couple Spend Entire Open Home Whispering Different Renovation Ideas To Each Other

July 2, 2026

MY HOUSE MY CASTLE.

man getting award and phone with instagram open

Local Man Accepts Community Service Award For Using Social Media To Point Out “AI Slop”

July 1, 2026

woman at night and day thinking about milk

Woman Who Said She Would Just Grab Milk Returns Home With Ice Cream, Lollies, And No Milk

June 26, 2026

man having pie on courtenay place.

Uni Student Graciously Credits 12.40 AM Pie And V For B-Minus All-Nighter Result

June 19, 2026

plasterer in garage

Local Tradie Estimates Job Will Take ‘Couple Hours’ For Fourth Consecutive Day

June 18, 2026

man and women at bar

Unwritten Staff Wellbeing Policy Revealed To Be Necking Piss After Work

June 8, 2026

store staff member and man with powerade

Convenience Store Worker Heroically Asks No Questions After Seeing The Same Guy For The Fourth Time Today

June 6, 2026

man pointing at a beer tap

Man Orders Hazy IPA So He Doesn’t Have To Make Any Other Decisions Tonight

June 5, 2026

happy toddler with annoyed parents

Toddler Plans Medical Emergency, Minor Disaster, To Coincide With Mum And Dads’ Date Nights

June 4, 2026

man looking at mum

Millennial Skillfully Diverts Mum Away From Launching Into Freshly Downloaded Political Opinion

June 2, 2026

man looking at glass at bar

Craft Beer Guy Brings Own Glassware To Bar To Optimise Experience

May 29, 2026

go on.. get some pies.

Politics

sad chippy with happy henry

Chippy Hipkins Disappointed That Paul Henry Doesn’t Want To Shag Or Marry Him

July 23, 2026

LOVE LOST.

Newly Spawned “Mega Chris” Takes Natbour Campaign On The Road

July 18, 2026

bumble and two mice at Act party convention

Former Broadcaster Bumble Will Run For Election As Act Candidate

July 15, 2026

christopher luxon with headline about wife's robot lawnmower

Expert Believes Luxon Would Be More Relatable If He Didn’t Talk

July 10, 2026

Luxon, madison square garden and taylor swift in queenstown

Luxon Furious Taylor Swift Had Wedding At Madison Square Garden Instead Of Queenstown

July 6, 2026

Luxon and phone with instagram at parliament

Luxon Says Best Thing About Social Media Ban Is That It’s Easier To Sort Than Cost Of Living

June 30, 2026

BAN KIDS OR DIE TRYIN’

giant chris luxon and chris hipkins hybrid

GRAND COALITION: Chris Luxon And Chris Hipkins Finally Fuse Together To Become One Giant Chris

June 28, 2026

ghost of gorliz gharaman plu other greens mps

GHOST OF GOLRIZ: Greens Tax Plan Haunted By Urge To Take Things That Don’t Belong To Them

June 22, 2026

woman looking disgusted at her phone with emergency test alert

Attention-Starved Government Resorts To Forcing Loud Screeching Noise Through Everyone’s Phones

June 15, 2026

chippy on a train

Labour Promises Unlimited Free Transport Because At This Stage Who Even Cares

June 14, 2026

luxon looking up from large book

Government Establishes Working Group to Find New Words for “Tax” and “Levy”

June 10, 2026

grim reaper nicola willis dragging off money tree

BUDGET DAY: Nicola Willis Takes Scythe To Magic Money Tree

May 28, 2026

Chris Hipkins riding duck on parliament steps.

Labour Believes They Can Win Election If They Get Their Hands On A Horse-Sized Duck

May 25, 2026

maiki sherman having a drink at the newsroom

LEAVING DRINKS: Maiki Expected To Either Not Drink Or Completely Let The Dogs Out

May 9, 2026

Luxon with townhouses

Luxon Confident Anyone Can Get Ahead With “A Bit Of Grit And A Diversified Property Portfolio”

May 4, 2026

Gerry bronwlee and maiki sherman

Tough Guy Gerry Brownlee Bans Journalist Who’s Likely Getting Sacked Anyway

April 30, 2026