The Whakataki Times – New Zealand's most trusted news

Top story

man drinking beer with starry sky behind him

Local Man Colonises Matariki Into Yet Another Long Weekend Of Piss Drinking

June 22, 2025

GROSSLY PROBLEMATIC.

Recent headlines

woman reading book thinking about two minute noodles

Uni Student Getting Straight A’s Despite Sub-Optimal Diet Of Mostly Two Minute Noodles

June 16, 2025

crusaders fans at game wearing black puffer jackets and beanies

Crusaders Fans Gutted About Extra Game Before Trophy Lift

June 15, 2025

man thinking about his paintball welts

Bloke Insists Paintball Was ‘Just a Bit of Fun’ Despite Being Covered In Painful Welts

June 14, 2025

hipster girl with pink hair thinking about super rugby semifinal

Smug Millennial Asks Office Jocks If They’re Looking Forward To The Big Sportsball Game Tonight

June 13, 2025

crusaders fan worrying about confident Rieko Ioane on instagram.

Crusaders Fan In Fear Of Blues Upset And Inevitable Rieko Instagram Post

June 11, 2025

News

Man thinking about high school rugby while talking to people at party.

Bloke Still Bringing Up High School Sporting Career At Every Party Like It’s Relevant

June 22, 2025

FADED FAME.

TAB guy scrapping odds for crusaders win

TAB Scraps Crusaders Win Option For Home Playoff Final, Cites “Pre-Determined Result”

June 20, 2025

FOREGONE CONCLUSION.

man getting excited for origin

Kiwi Bloke Reckons He “Bleeds Maroon” Despite Never Setting Foot in Queensland

June 18, 2025

KIWISLANDER.

Less recent news

man wearing shorts and gumboots in the cold

South Island Bloke Still Pretending It’s Not Cold Wearing Gumboots And Stubbies

June 10, 2025

SUB ZERO SWAG

Craig Chamberlain in front of winning crusaders

Crusaders Fans Annoyed They Have To Play Semi-Final Before Final

June 9, 2025

gym girl taking selfie at gym.

Gym Goer Endures Gruelling 3-Minute Workout To Earn Right To Post Insta Selfie

June 5, 2025

Kiwi in london

Kiwi Bloke’s “Big OE” To Include Same Mates From Home But In Different Time Zone

June 3, 2025

king and queen with june calendar

Public Holiday Still Getting Misgendered In 2025 As “Queen’s Birthday”

June 2, 2025

The Whakataki Times – the backbone of New Zealand’s news.

Quite old news

proud highlanders fan in front of losing team.

Highlanders Fan Proudly Wears Jersey Despite Another Humiliating Season

May 30, 2025

SOUTHERN STUBBORNNESS.

two public servants thinking about massive seymour head

Public Service Braces For Spike In Sick Days As Seymour’s Deputy Prime Ministership Edges Closer

May 29, 2025

man sleeping with state of origin happening behind him.

New Zealand Bloke Destined To Watch Build Up To State Of Origin And Then Pass Out Before Halftime

May 28, 2025

seymour and nicola willis

NICOLA WILLIS DRESSGATE: Seymour Annoyed No One’s Asked About His New Suit From Hallensteins

May 27, 2025

man at tattoo parlour thinking about our year tattoo

Despite Loss, Warriors Fan Still Researching Options For An “Our Year” Tattoo

May 25, 2025

Nicola Willis in front of Hamilton

BUDGET 2025: $0 Allocated To Promote Hamilton As Tourist Destination

May 22, 2025

sonny bill hitting someone with run it straight in background.

REPORT: Nobody Would Last Running It Straight Against Bulldogs-Era Sonny Bill Williams

May 20, 2025

two male public servants yarning.

Public Servant Uses The Phrase “Living The Dream” As Shield Against Deep Feeling Of Dissatisfaction

May 19, 2025

journalist at Stuff writing at laptop

EDITORIAL STANDARDS: Stuff Now Requiring Every Article To Include At Least One C-Bomb

May 19, 2025

warriors fan in the matrix

FIFTH STRAIGHT WIN: Warriors Fan Confused by Reality and Suspects It’s a Simulation

May 17, 2025

man with beer at bar

Man Describes Flavours He’s Detecting In Craft Beer Whether Friends Want To Hear It Or Not

May 15, 2025

man on the couch and brooke van velden on tv

“WAIT, WHAT?”: Local Bloke Snapped Out Of Couch-Based Doom Scroll By Brooky’s C-Bomb

May 14, 2025

BROOKY LETS IT FLY

man out for run

Bloke Who “Doesn’t Run” Somehow Convincing Himself A Half Marathon Is A Great Idea

May 13, 2025

MID LIFE CRISIS.

Sport

TAB guy scrapping odds for crusaders win

TAB Scraps Crusaders Win Option For Home Playoff Final, Cites “Pre-Determined Result”

June 20, 2025

FOREGONE CONCLUSION.

TAB guy scrapping odds for crusaders win

TAB Scraps Crusaders Win Option For Home Playoff Final, Cites “Pre-Determined Result”

June 20, 2025

man getting excited for origin

Kiwi Bloke Reckons He “Bleeds Maroon” Despite Never Setting Foot in Queensland

June 18, 2025

crusaders fans at game wearing black puffer jackets and beanies

Crusaders Fans Gutted About Extra Game Before Trophy Lift

June 15, 2025

hipster girl with pink hair thinking about super rugby semifinal

Smug Millennial Asks Office Jocks If They’re Looking Forward To The Big Sportsball Game Tonight

June 13, 2025

crusaders fan worrying about confident Rieko Ioane on instagram.

Crusaders Fan In Fear Of Blues Upset And Inevitable Rieko Instagram Post

June 11, 2025

Craig Chamberlain in front of winning crusaders

Crusaders Fans Annoyed They Have To Play Semi-Final Before Final

June 9, 2025

SEEING RED

proud highlanders fan in front of losing team.

Highlanders Fan Proudly Wears Jersey Despite Another Humiliating Season

May 30, 2025

man sleeping with state of origin happening behind him.

New Zealand Bloke Destined To Watch Build Up To State Of Origin And Then Pass Out Before Halftime

May 28, 2025

man at tattoo parlour thinking about our year tattoo

Despite Loss, Warriors Fan Still Researching Options For An “Our Year” Tattoo

May 25, 2025

sonny bill hitting someone with run it straight in background.

REPORT: Nobody Would Last Running It Straight Against Bulldogs-Era Sonny Bill Williams

May 20, 2025

warriors fan in the matrix

FIFTH STRAIGHT WIN: Warriors Fan Confused by Reality and Suspects It’s a Simulation

May 17, 2025

warriors fan thinking of air nz plane, with metcalfe in background.

FOUR WINS IN A ROW: Warriors Fans Beginning To Justify Booking Flights To NRL Grand Final

May 11, 2025

nervous wahs fan with warriors in background

2ND ON THE TABLE: Cautious Warriors Fan Reminds Friends They’ve Been Hurt Before

May 4, 2025

one eyed cantab with moana pasifika winning behind him

One-Eyed Cantab Dismisses Crusaders Home Loss To Moana Pasifika As An Elaborate Deepfake Scam

March 30, 2025

liam lawson glaring at red bull cans

Liam Lawson Reveals He Doesn’t Even Like Energy Drinks

March 29, 2025

liam lawson with draco malfoy

GIVING BACK: Liam Lawson Heading Back To Hogwarts To Coach His Old Quidditch Team

March 27, 2025

Culture

man drinking beer with starry sky behind him

Local Man Colonises Matariki Into Yet Another Long Weekend Of Piss Drinking

June 22, 2025

GROSSLY PROBLEMATIC.

Man thinking about high school rugby while talking to people at party.

Bloke Still Bringing Up High School Sporting Career At Every Party Like It’s Relevant

June 22, 2025

woman reading book thinking about two minute noodles

Uni Student Getting Straight A’s Despite Sub-Optimal Diet Of Mostly Two Minute Noodles

June 16, 2025

man thinking about his paintball welts

Bloke Insists Paintball Was ‘Just a Bit of Fun’ Despite Being Covered In Painful Welts

June 14, 2025

man wearing shorts and gumboots in the cold

South Island Bloke Still Pretending It’s Not Cold Wearing Gumboots And Stubbies

June 10, 2025

gym girl taking selfie at gym.

Gym Goer Endures Gruelling 3-Minute Workout To Earn Right To Post Insta Selfie

June 5, 2025

SQUAT, SNAP, SHARE.

Kiwi in london

Kiwi Bloke’s “Big OE” To Include Same Mates From Home But In Different Time Zone

June 3, 2025

king and queen with june calendar

Public Holiday Still Getting Misgendered In 2025 As “Queen’s Birthday”

June 2, 2025

two public servants thinking about massive seymour head

Public Service Braces For Spike In Sick Days As Seymour’s Deputy Prime Ministership Edges Closer

May 29, 2025

two male public servants yarning.

Public Servant Uses The Phrase “Living The Dream” As Shield Against Deep Feeling Of Dissatisfaction

May 19, 2025

man out for run

Bloke Who “Doesn’t Run” Somehow Convincing Himself A Half Marathon Is A Great Idea

May 13, 2025

woman looking at phone disappointed, with boyfriend having fun in background

Tradie’s “One” Friday Arvo Beer Turns Into Saturday Morning Apology Text To Girlfriend

May 10, 2025

New pope standing in front of NZ flag

DO BETTER: Vatican Once Again Fails To Elect A Pope From New Zealand

May 9, 2025

man smiling outside city fitness

Man Proudly Solves Gym Motivation Issue By Cancelling Membership Entirely

May 7, 2025

ruru school girl in front of boat in floodwaters

CANTERBURY FLOODS: Private School Girl Forced To Take Family Boat To School

May 2, 2025

tory whanau outside jville mall with zombies.

BEFORE I GO: Tory Whanau Promises To Address Zombie Outbreak At Johnsonville Mall

April 29, 2025

go on.. get some pies.

Politics

seymour and nicola willis

NICOLA WILLIS DRESSGATE: Seymour Annoyed No One’s Asked About His New Suit From Hallensteins

May 27, 2025

RADIO SILENCE.

man on the couch and brooke van velden on tv

“WAIT, WHAT?”: Local Bloke Snapped Out Of Couch-Based Doom Scroll By Brooky’s C-Bomb

May 14, 2025

Corin Dann, Chloe Swarbrick and Winston Peters at RNZ studio.

Corin Dann Books In Three Nice Chlöe Interviews To Make Up For That Mean Winston One

April 23, 2025

chloe thinking about her three troublesome MPs

Chlöe Confronts Reality That If Golriz And Darleen Had Obeyed The Law Then She Wouldn’t Be Stuck With Old Bussy Boy

April 4, 2025

chloe and doyle

Chloe Now Wishing Benjamin Doyle Was Just A Run Of The Mill Shoplifter

March 31, 2025

SIMPLER TIMES.

seymour in space

Seymour Wishing He Was Stuck In Space Station So He Wouldn’t Have To Deal With School Lunches

March 21, 2025

old boy at the pub thinking about school lunches

Old Boy At The Pub Sick And Tired Of All The Hoo-Ha About School Lunches

March 20, 2025

Luxon playing cricket

Prime Minister Becomes Instantly More Likeable And Relatable After Picking Up Cricket Bat

March 19, 2025

Luxon eating chippy sandwich

Luxon Eases Pain Of Poor Poll Result By Binging On Chip And Marmite Sandwiches

March 10, 2025

Luxon with two jars of marmite

“I Prefer Marmite Over Vegemite”: One Issue The Prime Minister Isn’t On The Fence About

March 5, 2025

luxon with marmite and vegemite at local school

School Principals Slam Prime Minister For Suggesting Parents Make Marmite Sandwiches And Not Vegemite Ones

March 4, 2025

zelenskyy tattoo with pic of christopher luxon in tattoo parlour

Luxon Hopeful His Fresh New Volodymyr Zelenskyy Tattoo Will Impress New Zealand Voters

March 2, 2025

andrew bayly giving massage

PERSONAL TOUCH: Andrew Bayly Launches New Business Offering An ‘Angry Massage’

February 25, 2025

swarbrick thinking about dirty keffiyehs

Swarbrick Cops It At Green Party Fines Session After Forgetting To Wash The Team Kit

February 20, 2025

man standing in front of parliament

Parliamentary Service Lad Remains Tight-Lipped About Which MPs Are Dickheads In Real Life

February 16, 2025

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