The Whakataki Times | Trusted news that's important

Top story

man looking in fridge

Man Opens Fridge For Fifth Time In 20 Minutes Hoping New Food Has Appeared

August 28, 2026

MATTER OF FAITH.

Recent headlines

man at run club on phone thinking about girl

Local Bloke Enters Early Friend Zone After Getting Called “Mate” Via DM

August 22, 2026

helen clark and beauden barrett

Helen Clark Says Beauden Barrett Should Be Starting At Fullback

August 19, 2026

woman running by beach

Local Woman Getting Into Fitness Now Convinced She Has A Weird Running Style

August 17, 2026

man bowling in hallway imagining bowling batsman out

Bloke Who Hasn’t Played Cricket In A Decade Suddenly Practices Bowling Action In Hallway

August 16, 2026

luxon wtf

National Party Insiders Claim Luxon Briefly Considered Sacking Himself

August 14, 2026

News

luxkins and erica stanford

Erica Stanford’s Social Media Ban Bill Gets Support From Grand Coalition Mutant Chris Luxkins

August 25, 2026

THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

chippy at treasury

Chris Hipkins Asks What A “Surplus” Is And Whether He Can Borrow Money To Buy One

August 24, 2026

INVESTING IN THE FUTURE.

Old Boy At Pub Annoyed That He Has Nothing To Complain About

August 23, 2026

CHEER UP.

Less recent news

luxon with other mps

National MPs Confirm They Would All Be A Worse Option Than Luxon

August 12, 2026

THIN MARGINS.

luxon using phone in car

Luxon Asks ChatGPT If He Can Still Get A Knighthood If He Gets Rolled

August 11, 2026

Erica Stanford, Xi Jinping and Kim Jong Un.

Erica Stanford Catches Up With The Lads To Finally Get Her Social Media Ban Sorted

August 10, 2026

steaming Duplessis Kirifi

DUPES AT 12: Wellington Lions Confirm “Just Let The Angry Man Loose” Is The Game Plan

August 6, 2026

man eating burger while still sweating from a run.

WOAP TIME: Wellington Local Goes For Run In Futile Attempt To Counteract Burger Intake

August 5, 2026

The Whakataki Times – the backbone of New Zealand’s news.

Quite old news

Old boy having a beer with Act in a bubble

CLASSROOM FORCE: Old Boy At The Pub Relives Fond Memories Of Getting The Cane

August 3, 2026

NO CANE, NO GAIN.

Angry Kirifi thinking about his all blacks jersey

Overlooked Du’Plessis Kirifi’s Pent Up Rage Expected To Be Released On Hawke’s Bay This Sunday

August 1, 2026

couple looking around open home with real estate agent

Local Couple Somehow Have Entire Future Planned Out By End Of 15 Minute House Viewing

July 31, 2026

woman on couch with cup

Local Woman Will Have Cup Of Tea If Husband Is Making One

July 28, 2026

sad chippy with happy henry

Chippy Hipkins Disappointed That Paul Henry Doesn’t Want To Shag Or Marry Him

July 23, 2026

man on train looking out window

Local Maniac Rides Train With No Phone Out, No Headphones, Just His Own Thoughts

July 22, 2026

old boy at pub visualising pink and yellow boots on all blacks.

Old Boy At The Pub Says “All Blacks Should Wear Black Boots, None Of This Pink And Yellow Bullshit”

July 19, 2026

Newly Spawned “Mega Chris” Takes Natbour Campaign On The Road

July 18, 2026

woman daydreaming about beauden barrett

Local Woman Demands To Know Where “Her Beauden” Is Following Latest All Blacks Team Naming

July 17, 2026

england fan thinking about argentina win

England Fan Adds Another Layer Of Disappointment To Personality

July 16, 2026

bumble and two mice at Act party convention

Former Broadcaster Bumble Will Run For Election As Act Candidate

July 15, 2026

man having coffee at cafe

Admirable Vegan Man Endures Black Coffee Instead Of Having Oat Milk Like A Coward

July 14, 2026

RESPECT.

christopher luxon with headline about wife's robot lawnmower

Expert Believes Luxon Would Be More Relatable If He Didn’t Talk

July 10, 2026

SAFER BET.

Sport

Old Boy At Pub Annoyed That He Has Nothing To Complain About

August 23, 2026

CHEER UP.

helen clark and beauden barrett

Helen Clark Says Beauden Barrett Should Be Starting At Fullback

August 19, 2026

man bowling in hallway imagining bowling batsman out

Bloke Who Hasn’t Played Cricket In A Decade Suddenly Practices Bowling Action In Hallway

August 16, 2026

steaming Duplessis Kirifi

DUPES AT 12: Wellington Lions Confirm “Just Let The Angry Man Loose” Is The Game Plan

August 6, 2026

Angry Kirifi thinking about his all blacks jersey

Overlooked Du’Plessis Kirifi’s Pent Up Rage Expected To Be Released On Hawke’s Bay This Sunday

August 1, 2026

old boy at pub visualising pink and yellow boots on all blacks.

Old Boy At The Pub Says “All Blacks Should Wear Black Boots, None Of This Pink And Yellow Bullshit”

July 19, 2026

BLOODY RIDICULOUS.

woman daydreaming about beauden barrett

Local Woman Demands To Know Where “Her Beauden” Is Following Latest All Blacks Team Naming

July 17, 2026

england fan thinking about argentina win

England Fan Adds Another Layer Of Disappointment To Personality

July 16, 2026

old boy at pub thinking about will jordan try.

Old Boy At Pub Accepts All Blacks Win But Naturally Expects 30 Point Demolitions From Now On

July 5, 2026

young lady daydreaming about ruben love

Female Viewership Of All Blacks Test Set To Surge With Ruben Love Named To Start

July 3, 2026

Tim Payne and Tim Paine

KIWI VICTORY: Tim Payne Now More Famous Than Australia’s Tim Paine Ever Was

June 25, 2026

tim payne thinking about mo salah's instagram.

Tim Payne Says Instagram Is Irrelevant After Seeing Egypt’s Mo Salah’s Follower Count

June 21, 2026

old boy watching football at pub and remembering hollywood performance by Neymar

Old Boy At Pub Predictably Disgusted By “Bunch Of Hollywoods” At World Cup

June 20, 2026

weary canes fan remembering 2015 final

Weary Hurricanes Fan Heads Into Final Still Scarred by 2015 Defeat

June 19, 2026

one eyed cantab at wellington stadium

“Super Rugby Finals Don’t Run Without Crusaders,” Says One-Eyed Cantab Arriving Early At Cake Tin

June 19, 2026

super rugby final poster and weather forecast

Forecast For Wellington’s Super Rugby Final Naturally Includes Rain And Wind

June 18, 2026

Culture

man looking in fridge

Man Opens Fridge For Fifth Time In 20 Minutes Hoping New Food Has Appeared

August 28, 2026

MATTER OF FAITH.

man at run club on phone thinking about girl

Local Bloke Enters Early Friend Zone After Getting Called “Mate” Via DM

August 22, 2026

woman running by beach

Local Woman Getting Into Fitness Now Convinced She Has A Weird Running Style

August 17, 2026

man eating burger while still sweating from a run.

WOAP TIME: Wellington Local Goes For Run In Futile Attempt To Counteract Burger Intake

August 5, 2026

couple looking around open home with real estate agent

Local Couple Somehow Have Entire Future Planned Out By End Of 15 Minute House Viewing

July 31, 2026

woman on couch with cup

Local Woman Will Have Cup Of Tea If Husband Is Making One

July 28, 2026

DOMESTIC DIPLOMACY.

man on train looking out window

Local Maniac Rides Train With No Phone Out, No Headphones, Just His Own Thoughts

July 22, 2026

man having coffee at cafe

Admirable Vegan Man Endures Black Coffee Instead Of Having Oat Milk Like A Coward

July 14, 2026

Couple whispering while real estate agent waits patiently.

Couple Spend Entire Open Home Whispering Different Renovation Ideas To Each Other

July 2, 2026

man getting award and phone with instagram open

Local Man Accepts Community Service Award For Using Social Media To Point Out “AI Slop”

July 1, 2026

woman at night and day thinking about milk

Woman Who Said She Would Just Grab Milk Returns Home With Ice Cream, Lollies, And No Milk

June 26, 2026

man having pie on courtenay place.

Uni Student Graciously Credits 12.40 AM Pie And V For B-Minus All-Nighter Result

June 19, 2026

plasterer in garage

Local Tradie Estimates Job Will Take ‘Couple Hours’ For Fourth Consecutive Day

June 18, 2026

man and women at bar

Unwritten Staff Wellbeing Policy Revealed To Be Necking Piss After Work

June 8, 2026

store staff member and man with powerade

Convenience Store Worker Heroically Asks No Questions After Seeing The Same Guy For The Fourth Time Today

June 6, 2026

go on.. get some pies.

Politics

luxkins and erica stanford

Erica Stanford’s Social Media Ban Bill Gets Support From Grand Coalition Mutant Chris Luxkins

August 25, 2026

THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

chippy at treasury

Chris Hipkins Asks What A “Surplus” Is And Whether He Can Borrow Money To Buy One

August 24, 2026

luxon wtf

National Party Insiders Claim Luxon Briefly Considered Sacking Himself

August 14, 2026

luxon with other mps

National MPs Confirm They Would All Be A Worse Option Than Luxon

August 12, 2026

luxon using phone in car

Luxon Asks ChatGPT If He Can Still Get A Knighthood If He Gets Rolled

August 11, 2026

Erica Stanford, Xi Jinping and Kim Jong Un.

Erica Stanford Catches Up With The Lads To Finally Get Her Social Media Ban Sorted

August 10, 2026

CALL THE EXPERTS.

Old boy having a beer with Act in a bubble

CLASSROOM FORCE: Old Boy At The Pub Relives Fond Memories Of Getting The Cane

August 3, 2026

sad chippy with happy henry

Chippy Hipkins Disappointed That Paul Henry Doesn’t Want To Shag Or Marry Him

July 23, 2026

Newly Spawned “Mega Chris” Takes Natbour Campaign On The Road

July 18, 2026

bumble and two mice at Act party convention

Former Broadcaster Bumble Will Run For Election As Act Candidate

July 15, 2026

christopher luxon with headline about wife's robot lawnmower

Expert Believes Luxon Would Be More Relatable If He Didn’t Talk

July 10, 2026

Luxon, madison square garden and taylor swift in queenstown

Luxon Furious Taylor Swift Had Wedding At Madison Square Garden Instead Of Queenstown

July 6, 2026

Luxon and phone with instagram at parliament

Luxon Says Best Thing About Social Media Ban Is That It’s Easier To Sort Than Cost Of Living

June 30, 2026

giant chris luxon and chris hipkins hybrid

GRAND COALITION: Chris Luxon And Chris Hipkins Finally Fuse Together To Become One Giant Chris

June 28, 2026

ghost of gorliz gharaman plu other greens mps

GHOST OF GOLRIZ: Greens Tax Plan Haunted By Urge To Take Things That Don’t Belong To Them

June 22, 2026

woman looking disgusted at her phone with emergency test alert

Attention-Starved Government Resorts To Forcing Loud Screeching Noise Through Everyone’s Phones

June 15, 2026