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warriors fan in the matrix

FIFTH STRAIGHT WIN: Warriors Fan Confused by Reality and Suspects It’s a Simulation

May 17, 2025

GLITCH IN THE MATRIX

Recent headlines

warriors fan thinking of air nz plane, with metcalfe in background.

FOUR WINS IN A ROW: Warriors Fans Beginning To Justify Booking Flights To NRL Grand Final

May 11, 2025

woman looking at phone disappointed, with boyfriend having fun in background

Tradie’s “One” Friday Arvo Beer Turns Into Saturday Morning Apology Text To Girlfriend

May 10, 2025

New pope standing in front of NZ flag

DO BETTER: Vatican Once Again Fails To Elect A Pope From New Zealand

May 9, 2025

two fighters outside orana park thinking of gorilla

Christchurch’s Orana Wildlife Park Inundated With Men Wanting To Fight Their Gorillas

May 8, 2025

News

man with beer at bar

Man Describes Flavours He’s Detecting In Craft Beer Whether Friends Want To Hear It Or Not

May 15, 2025

OOH THAT’S HOPPY.

man on the couch and brooke van velden on tv

“WAIT, WHAT?”: Local Bloke Snapped Out Of Couch-Based Doom Scroll By Brooky’s C-Bomb

May 14, 2025

BROOKY LETS IT FLY

man out for run

Bloke Who “Doesn’t Run” Somehow Convincing Himself A Half Marathon Is A Great Idea

May 13, 2025

MID LIFE CRISIS.

Less recent news

man smiling outside city fitness

Man Proudly Solves Gym Motivation Issue By Cancelling Membership Entirely

May 7, 2025

PROBLEM SOLVED.

private school girl looking at phone at school thinking of wanaka

Private School Girl Concerned Social Media Ban Will Reduce Awareness Of Wanaka Holiday

May 6, 2025

nervous wahs fan with warriors in background

2ND ON THE TABLE: Cautious Warriors Fan Reminds Friends They’ve Been Hurt Before

May 4, 2025

ruru school girl in front of boat in floodwaters

CANTERBURY FLOODS: Private School Girl Forced To Take Family Boat To School

May 2, 2025

Winston Peters in captain's hat with ferry and flooded christchurch area.

Winston Peters Seen Captaining Aratere Ferry Through Christchurch

May 1, 2025

The Whakataki Times – the backbone of New Zealand’s news.

Quite old news

tory whanau outside jville mall with zombies.

BEFORE I GO: Tory Whanau Promises To Address Zombie Outbreak At Johnsonville Mall

April 29, 2025

MALL OF THE DEAD.

Local Loser Still Thinks “Open To Work” Banner Makes Him Look ‘Hungry’ Not ‘Hopeless’

April 28, 2025

woman at computer with rainbow lanyard

Public Service Team Meeting Off To A Flyer After Attendees Robotically Recite The Ministry Karakia

April 28, 2025

orange demon with lady reading letter.

Orange Demon From Hell Reminds People It Knows Where They Live

April 24, 2025

Corin Dann, Chloe Swarbrick and Winston Peters at RNZ studio.

Corin Dann Books In Three Nice Chlöe Interviews To Make Up For That Mean Winston One

April 23, 2025

captain hurricane and cully in plane above wellington airport

Wellingtonians Vote To Replace Eagles At Wellington Airport With Cully And Captain Hurricane

April 22, 2025

man in kitchen thinking about beers and the crucifiction.

Local Man Feels Like He’s Been Nailed To The Cross After Not Stocking Up On Good Friday Beers

April 18, 2025

man in office smiling and pointing

Annual Leave Maximiser Strikes Again: Local Man Books 10-Day Break with Just Three Days Leave

April 17, 2025

woman standing outside johnsonville mall

Wellington Shoppers Rewarded With Gift Vouchers For Setting Foot In Johnsonville Mall

April 16, 2025

man in plane with head in hands about air nz uniform and kia ora magazine.

Air NZ Unveils New Uniforms But Still No Revamp For Kia Ora Magazine

April 14, 2025

interislander ferry with flare being let off in bubble

UNPRECEDENTED COMPETENCE: Interislander Completes Round Trip Without Deploying Distress Flare

April 13, 2025

Green MP standing outside home with green ebike

Tamatha Paul Has Bike Stolen, Asks Thief To Return It When They Feel Emotionally Ready

April 10, 2025

NO RUSH.

men having a beer at the Good Home and thinking about home brewing.

Bloke Out For A Craft Beer Suddenly Has Grand Idea To Start His Own Home Brew

April 9, 2025

ORIGINAL THINKING.

shirtless jogger in park

Shirtless Jogger Impresses Nobody During Run

April 7, 2025

WE GET IT, YOU’RE FIT.

Sport

warriors fan in the matrix

FIFTH STRAIGHT WIN: Warriors Fan Confused by Reality and Suspects It’s a Simulation

May 17, 2025

GLITCH IN THE MATRIX

warriors fan in the matrix

FIFTH STRAIGHT WIN: Warriors Fan Confused by Reality and Suspects It’s a Simulation

May 17, 2025

warriors fan thinking of air nz plane, with metcalfe in background.

FOUR WINS IN A ROW: Warriors Fans Beginning To Justify Booking Flights To NRL Grand Final

May 11, 2025

nervous wahs fan with warriors in background

2ND ON THE TABLE: Cautious Warriors Fan Reminds Friends They’ve Been Hurt Before

May 4, 2025

one eyed cantab with moana pasifika winning behind him

One-Eyed Cantab Dismisses Crusaders Home Loss To Moana Pasifika As An Elaborate Deepfake Scam

March 30, 2025

liam lawson glaring at red bull cans

Liam Lawson Reveals He Doesn’t Even Like Energy Drinks

March 29, 2025

liam lawson with draco malfoy

GIVING BACK: Liam Lawson Heading Back To Hogwarts To Coach His Old Quidditch Team

March 27, 2025

DON’T FORGET YOUR ROOTS.

blonde crusaders fan with winning team behind her and thought bubble about winning parade

Crusaders Fans Start Visualising June Championship Parade After Blues Demolition Job

March 23, 2025

Caleb Clarke running away from cops on motorbike with image of him playing against aussie

Caleb Clarke Tries Outrunning Opposition For Once Instead Of Going Straight Through Them

February 24, 2025

auckland fc celebrating as phoenix sit down

REPORT: Auckland Better Than Wellington Not Just In Football But In General

February 23, 2025

stressed man looking at laptop thinking about fantasy rugby

Bloke Who’s ‘Snowed Under With Work’’ Somehow Finds Six Hours A Week To Fine-Tune Fantasy Rugby Side

February 21, 2025

man looking amongst trees for lost golf ball

Bloke Who Plays Golf Every Weekend Somehow Getting Worse

February 15, 2025

one eyed cantab with valentine's balloons and crusaders picture

HAPPY VALENTINE’S: One Eyed Cantab Finalises Divorce Papers To Focus On More Important Relationship

February 14, 2025

man rowing with headline in front of him

‘Year 14’ High School Athletes Exposed As The Frauds That They Always Have Been

February 10, 2025

luka doncic, anthony davis and christian cullen

Luka Dončić Reaches Out To Christian Cullen To Come To Terms With Not Being Wanted

February 4, 2025

man in cricket gear shadow batting in home

Grade Cricketer’s Masterclass Shadow Batting Nothing Like His Actual Defence

January 25, 2025

man angered by baz mccullum getting out bowled by australia

Local Man Questions Whether He’ll Ever Recover From Baz McCullum’s Fateful Duck in the World Cup Final

January 22, 2025

Culture

man out for run

Bloke Who “Doesn’t Run” Somehow Convincing Himself A Half Marathon Is A Great Idea

May 13, 2025

MID LIFE CRISIS.

woman looking at phone disappointed, with boyfriend having fun in background

Tradie’s “One” Friday Arvo Beer Turns Into Saturday Morning Apology Text To Girlfriend

May 10, 2025

New pope standing in front of NZ flag

DO BETTER: Vatican Once Again Fails To Elect A Pope From New Zealand

May 9, 2025

man smiling outside city fitness

Man Proudly Solves Gym Motivation Issue By Cancelling Membership Entirely

May 7, 2025

ruru school girl in front of boat in floodwaters

CANTERBURY FLOODS: Private School Girl Forced To Take Family Boat To School

May 2, 2025

tory whanau outside jville mall with zombies.

BEFORE I GO: Tory Whanau Promises To Address Zombie Outbreak At Johnsonville Mall

April 29, 2025

MALL OF THE DEAD.

Local Loser Still Thinks “Open To Work” Banner Makes Him Look ‘Hungry’ Not ‘Hopeless’

April 28, 2025

woman at computer with rainbow lanyard

Public Service Team Meeting Off To A Flyer After Attendees Robotically Recite The Ministry Karakia

April 28, 2025

captain hurricane and cully in plane above wellington airport

Wellingtonians Vote To Replace Eagles At Wellington Airport With Cully And Captain Hurricane

April 22, 2025

man in kitchen thinking about beers and the crucifiction.

Local Man Feels Like He’s Been Nailed To The Cross After Not Stocking Up On Good Friday Beers

April 18, 2025

man in office smiling and pointing

Annual Leave Maximiser Strikes Again: Local Man Books 10-Day Break with Just Three Days Leave

April 17, 2025

woman standing outside johnsonville mall

Wellington Shoppers Rewarded With Gift Vouchers For Setting Foot In Johnsonville Mall

April 16, 2025

man in plane with head in hands about air nz uniform and kia ora magazine.

Air NZ Unveils New Uniforms But Still No Revamp For Kia Ora Magazine

April 14, 2025

Green MP standing outside home with green ebike

Tamatha Paul Has Bike Stolen, Asks Thief To Return It When They Feel Emotionally Ready

April 10, 2025

men having a beer at the Good Home and thinking about home brewing.

Bloke Out For A Craft Beer Suddenly Has Grand Idea To Start His Own Home Brew

April 9, 2025

shirtless jogger in park

Shirtless Jogger Impresses Nobody During Run

April 7, 2025

go on.. get some pies.

Politics

man on the couch and brooke van velden on tv

“WAIT, WHAT?”: Local Bloke Snapped Out Of Couch-Based Doom Scroll By Brooky’s C-Bomb

May 14, 2025

BROOKY LETS IT FLY

Corin Dann, Chloe Swarbrick and Winston Peters at RNZ studio.

Corin Dann Books In Three Nice Chlöe Interviews To Make Up For That Mean Winston One

April 23, 2025

chloe thinking about her three troublesome MPs

Chlöe Confronts Reality That If Golriz And Darleen Had Obeyed The Law Then She Wouldn’t Be Stuck With Old Bussy Boy

April 4, 2025

chloe and doyle

Chloe Now Wishing Benjamin Doyle Was Just A Run Of The Mill Shoplifter

March 31, 2025

seymour in space

Seymour Wishing He Was Stuck In Space Station So He Wouldn’t Have To Deal With School Lunches

March 21, 2025

DANCING WITH THE STARS.

old boy at the pub thinking about school lunches

Old Boy At The Pub Sick And Tired Of All The Hoo-Ha About School Lunches

March 20, 2025

Luxon playing cricket

Prime Minister Becomes Instantly More Likeable And Relatable After Picking Up Cricket Bat

March 19, 2025

Luxon eating chippy sandwich

Luxon Eases Pain Of Poor Poll Result By Binging On Chip And Marmite Sandwiches

March 10, 2025

Luxon with two jars of marmite

“I Prefer Marmite Over Vegemite”: One Issue The Prime Minister Isn’t On The Fence About

March 5, 2025

luxon with marmite and vegemite at local school

School Principals Slam Prime Minister For Suggesting Parents Make Marmite Sandwiches And Not Vegemite Ones

March 4, 2025

zelenskyy tattoo with pic of christopher luxon in tattoo parlour

Luxon Hopeful His Fresh New Volodymyr Zelenskyy Tattoo Will Impress New Zealand Voters

March 2, 2025

andrew bayly giving massage

PERSONAL TOUCH: Andrew Bayly Launches New Business Offering An ‘Angry Massage’

February 25, 2025

swarbrick thinking about dirty keffiyehs

Swarbrick Cops It At Green Party Fines Session After Forgetting To Wash The Team Kit

February 20, 2025

man standing in front of parliament

Parliamentary Service Lad Remains Tight-Lipped About Which MPs Are Dickheads In Real Life

February 16, 2025

chippy dismayed to see seymour at his house in land rover

CAR POOL CONUNDRUM: Seymour Arrives To Pick Up Chippy For Work In The Land Rover

February 14, 2025

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