ANY VOLUNTEERS?
With the tidal wave of changes to the public service in Wellington recently, the Coalition government is setting up a new ministry to keep up with demand.
THAT GUY.
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon today shocked the nation by unveiling his ambitious plan to bring back the iconic SportsCafe, which he starred in, by the year 2030.
GOOD MORNING MR SEYMOUR.
Wellington parents have decided to take Associate Education Minister David Seymour’s advice to heart by sending their children to him for Saturday morning catch-up classes.
THE THRILL OF THE FIGHT.
Winston Peters is once again not backing down.
Our mainstream news media are currently obsessing over the fact that he used former UK band Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping,” in one of his campaigns, without asking permission first.
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COAST IS CLEAR.
After a spicy Waitangi Day up north, Act Leader David Seymour believes it is now safe for him to relax the precautions he’s been taking for the last week or so.
“I knew things could get heated up there, as not too many people at Waitangi were keen to hear what I had to say,” said one of the three heads of the so-called ‘coalition of chaos’.
While not widely reported in the legacy media, Seymour was in fact operating a very advanced forcefield, specifically designed to keep projectile sex toys from colliding into him.
The Whakataki Times – potentially somewhat biased politically.
NOTHING TO WEAR.
Accused shoplifter Golriz Ghahraman, a 42 year old NZ Greens MP of some note, is back in the country and just about ready to front the media.
However a spanner seems to have been thrown in the works, as she is now realising that 90% of the clothes in her wardrobe are actually stolen goods.
Not wanting to cause more trouble for herself, the dogmatic social justice lover is now trying to find something to wear for her media appearance that wasn’t looted from a high end shop in Ponsonby.
LESSGOOO!
Wellington based HR advisor Tory Hopkins is weirdly excited about the new National / Act / NZ First government taking an axe to the public service once they get started.
The 25 year old MBIE employee has been energised ever since David Seymour mentioned slashing MBIE’s staffing numbers in half.
“It could be me!” she said excitedly, as she scrolled the Jetstar site for cheap flights to Aussie. “Fingers crossed! Been thinking about whether this job’s for me for a while now. Be good to get a little extra push out the door.”
POLITICS ON SPEED.
In an effort to showcase his efficiency and commitment to his party, PM elect Christopher Luxon decided he’d showcase his snap decision-making.
Luxon has been constantly questioned by NZ media this week about why the Coalition process has been taking longer than the media want, so he thought he’d show his ministers just what he’s made of.
This culinary spectacle involved Luxon personally preparing a full cooked breakfast for visiting National MPs in Auckland, all in under two minutes. Chris Bishop and Nicola Willis were first in line for a feed.
THE LAST DANCE.
New Zealand’s Deputy Prime Minister position is set to be determined not by policy debates or parliamentary prowess but by a battle of the twerks between the two hopefuls, David Seymour and Winston Peters.
ACT Party leader David Seymour is tipped to win after having already showcased his twerking live on national television during Dancing with the Stars in 2018.
Christopher Luxon said a twerking comp was the obvious choice for deciding who would be his deputy. “Oh look it’s something fun, it’s all the rage on social media. I think a twerk battle between two seasoned politicians is exactly what the country needs right now.
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