CALL IT IN.

National Party Leader Christopher Luxon made a splash at the TVNZ Leaders Debate last night, announcing 2000 new “speedo cops” to crack down on New Zealand’s crime problem. 

While most kiwis are concerned about violent crime and retail theft of small businesses, it is easy to forget about those gateway offences, like graffiti and road cone disruption. “That’s where the speedo cop division can make a real difference”, said Luxon.

The debate, which was enthralling television that will definitely save TVNZ from eventual collapse, skipped over the key funding announcement.

MAN OF THE PEOPLE.

A recent political poll has revealed a huge surge in support for Warriors playmaker Shaun Johnson, who is now among some of the top people as preferred Prime Minister of New Zealand.

The 33 year-old who is in the middle of one of the Warriors best ever NRL campaigns has popped up in the rankings, leaving both Christopher Luxon and Chris Hipkins scratching their heads.

Johnson, while a good sidestepper, likely wouldn’t be the type of person who would sidestep questions about the economy. In fact the likely Dally M medal winner for the best player in the NRL, is likely just doing what many politicians don’t, and that’s resonate with everyday New Zealanders.

OH THANK YOU MY LORD.

In a stunning display of political innovation, Chris Luxon and Nicola Willis have just unveiled National’s groundbreaking plan to reduce the amount of money that will be forcibly taken from you and everyone else in the country.

In a very honest press conference that left economists scratching their heads, Luxon proudly declared, “National is making a firm promise to commit less theft than the current government is engaging in. 

“A noticeably smaller amount of money will be taken from hardworking kiwis under the threat of jail”.