NO KNOWN CURE.
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has a tall order for New Zealand’s Crown subsidiser of pharmaceutical products this week.
ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY GUTTED.
Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau is reportedly heartbroken after the hikoi that swept through the capital this week wrapped up in a single day.
VIEWERS ON DEMAND.
TVNZ executives have reportedly turned to the unlikeliest of consultants to help with their ratings woes – ACT Party leader David Seymour.
FULL STEAM AHEAD!
ACT leader David Seymour is being cheered by Wellington cafe and bar owners today, as tomorrow’s hikoi into the city is likely to provide a much needed boost to small businesses.
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NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN.
Despite the assassination attempt on Donald Trump at a Republican rally in Pennsylvania earlier today, US President Joe Biden still appears to be the one more likely to die on any given day.
The Whakataki Times – potentially somewhat biased politically.
FLYING IN STYLE.
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon is likely to turn a few heads on his next overseas trip, after finally giving up on his decrepit Defence Force plane, and going with something he believes would be more reliable.
NO PROFITS, NO PROBLEM.
TVNZ management arrived at their Auckland based headquarters with smiles on their faces today.
COAST IS CLEAR.
After a spicy Waitangi Day up north, Act Leader David Seymour believes it is now safe for him to relax the precautions he’s been taking for the last week or so.
“I knew things could get heated up there, as not too many people at Waitangi were keen to hear what I had to say,” said one of the three heads of the so-called ‘coalition of chaos’.
While not widely reported in the legacy media, Seymour was in fact operating a very advanced forcefield, specifically designed to keep projectile sex toys from colliding into him.
OUTDOORS WITH JAMES.
Outgoing Greens co-leader James Shaw has always harboured a dirty little fossil-fuelled secret ever since he went into environmental politics.
The long-serving MP recently announced he is stepping down from his position as co-leader of the Greens, making room for someone who’s probably not as “pale, stale or male” as he is.
Despite it going against the spirit of his party’s policies, Shaw has revealed that he’s often dreamed about owning the popular kiwi ute, a Toyota Hilux.
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