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Less recent political news

Seymour wearing anti dildo backpack forcefield at Waitangi

One Week After Waitangi Seymour Now Safe To Power Down Dildo Forcefield


After a spicy Waitangi Day up north, Act Leader David Seymour believes it is now safe for him to relax the precautions he’s been taking for the last week or so. 

“I knew things could get heated up there, as not too many people at Waitangi were keen to hear what I had to say,” said one of the three heads of the so-called ‘coalition of chaos’. 

While not widely reported in the legacy media, Seymour was in fact operating a very advanced forcefield, specifically designed to keep projectile sex toys from colliding into him.

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Lighthouse with W for Whakataki Times

The Whakataki Times – potentially somewhat biased politically.

Old news in politics

Golriz Ghahraman in messy bedroom in Auckland

FRONTING THE MEDIA: Golriz Frantically Puts Together Outfit That Wasn’t Totally Stolen


Accused shoplifter Golriz Ghahraman, a 42 year old NZ Greens MP of some note, is back in the country and just about ready to front the media.

However a spanner seems to have been thrown in the works, as she is now realising that 90% of the clothes in her wardrobe are actually stolen goods.

Not wanting to cause more trouble for herself, the dogmatic social justice lover is now trying to find something to wear for her media appearance that wasn’t looted from a high end shop in Ponsonby.

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woman in office looking at phone excitedly and thinking about david seymour.

MBIE Employee Who Hates Job Anyway Fizzing For Government Spending Cuts


Wellington based HR advisor Tory Hopkins is weirdly excited about the new National / Act / NZ First government taking an axe to the public service once they get started. 

The 25 year old MBIE employee has been energised ever since David Seymour mentioned slashing MBIE’s staffing numbers in half. 

“It could be me!” she said excitedly, as she scrolled the Jetstar site for cheap flights to Aussie. “Fingers crossed! Been thinking about whether this job’s for me for a while now. Be good to get a little extra push out the door.”

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leight hart as chris luxon standing in front of leight hart's speed cooking.

Christopher Luxon Delivers Full Cooked Breakfast To Visiting National MPs In Under Two Minutes


In an effort to showcase his efficiency and commitment to his party, PM elect Christopher Luxon decided he’d showcase his snap decision-making.

Luxon has been constantly questioned by NZ media this week about why the Coalition process has been taking longer than the media want, so he thought he’d show his ministers just what he’s made of.

This culinary spectacle involved Luxon personally preparing a full cooked breakfast for visiting National MPs in Auckland, all in under two minutes. Chris Bishop and Nicola Willis were first in line for a feed.

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david seymour vs winston peters streetfighter screen

Seymour Hot Favourite To Win Deputy Prime Minister In Final Twerk Battle


New Zealand’s Deputy Prime Minister position is set to be determined not by policy debates or parliamentary prowess but by a battle of the twerks between the two hopefuls, David Seymour and Winston Peters.

ACT Party leader David Seymour is tipped to win after having already showcased his twerking live on national television during Dancing with the Stars in 2018.

Christopher Luxon said a twerking comp was the obvious choice for deciding who would be his deputy. “Oh look it’s something fun, it’s all the rage on social media. I think a twerk battle between two seasoned politicians is exactly what the country needs right now.

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