GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture
EVIL SPIRITS
A cross-agency public service taskforce headed up by the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet (DPMC) and MBIE have made a breakthrough they believe will make a huge difference to staff wellbeing across Wellington.
For many years, the Ministerial Services departments of agencies across the capital have been plagued by official information requests from the Taxpayers Union, a group of political agitators hell bent on callously finding out how taxpayers’ money is being spent.
The taskforce, made up of the Ministries for Women, Pacific Peoples, Ethnic communities along with MBIE and various local councils believe that the evil Taxpayers Union are no match for their latest weapon.
“I’d like to see them come around asking for specific itemised spending figures that we don’t have now,” laughed Ministerial Services advisor Aiden Smith from MBIE.
Their new secret weapon is reportedly a specialised karakia developed to ward off Official Information Act requests (OIAs) from the Taxpayers Union. The karakia was forged and blessed in consultation with every single member of every single iwi across the motu, and cost upwards of $500 million NZD.
“This is the most iron-clad incantation the public service has ever seen. Now all we need to do is recite this beast of a karakia before every team meeting and the spirits of the Taxpayers Union will be vanquished permanently,” said Smith.
“Could there be anything worse in this world than people demanding to know how taxpayers’ money is being spent? I mean, you’ve paid your tax, everyone has to pay it, just let it go bro your money’s gone.”
Wellington-based taxpayer Crystal Warren-Jones says the $500m price tag of the new karakia was money well spent.
“Have you ever had to deal with one of these Taxpayers Union guys? I used to work at ACC and they’re just constantly asking how much things cost and it’s like, ‘why do you want to know?’. They had the election and now the government gets to spend as much money as they like on whatever they want. That’s how it works,” said Ms. Warren-Jones from her Aro Valley flat.
“I think the money spent on this karakia is well worth it when you think about how much time it will save when staff don’t have to waste their time responding to these Taxpayer Union information requests. Money well spent.”
The Taxpayers Union say they will “put the new karakia to the test” tomorrow, as they plan on sending out a wave of OIA requests to all corners of Wellington.
More to come.
