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“This Is The Last Time” Says Woman, Already Lying To Herself About 2025 Detox

woman on deck at dusk with rose wine

FINISHING STRONG.

Sophie Anderson, 28, of Auckland, has officially declared that tonight’s New Year’s Eve will be her final indulgence in “bad decisions and excessive drinking” before embarking on a serious, no-excuses, life-changing detox in 2025.

“Just A Casual Hike Up Here” Says Woman Being A Complete Thirst Trap On Instagram

woman up mount maunganui with instagram phone.

INSTAFLIRT.

Hannah Luff, 25, was determined to showcase her walk up Mount Maunganui to her family and friends, but especially one person in particular.

Local Dad Rolls Back The Years With Sensational BYC Hat Trick Against His Hapless Children

dad celebrating bowling our his nine year old son

UNSTOPPABLE

Mark Grover’s eyes lit up when he saw six year-old son Jackson walk up to the crease in today’s Boxing Day BYC match.

Chloe Swarbrick Weeps As Eco-Stocking Composts Before Her Very Eyes

Chloe Swarbrick with christmas stockings

“NO CHRISTMAS CHEER HERE”

Green Party Co-Leader Chloe Swarbrick was reportedly in tears this morning after learning that her plans for a very green Christmas had turned to compost.

REPORT: No Christmas Toy Will Ever Match the Glory of the Vortex Mega Howler

man on deck with beer thinking about vortex mega howler

“FEEL THE POWER”

Jacob Cooper, a 34-year-old Christchurch man, is adamant that no Christmas gift—past, present, or future—will ever surpass the iconic glory of the Vortex Mega Howler.

Christmas Day Gym Goer Reminds Us We’ll Never Be As Disciplined As Him

man at gym thinking about pavlova

THE GRIND NEVER STOPS.

Chad Blackwell had a point to prove on Christmas Day.

It was yet another day to remind the world that the grind never stops for the 27 year-old from Auckland.

Grown Man Gets Cold Shoulder From Mum After Failing to Adequately Wrap Gifts

man looking dejected as disappointed mum looks at poorly wrapped gifts.

“IT’S ALL GOT TO BE RE-DONE”

It’ll be a silent night indeed for Joseph Christensen, who is facing the cold shoulder from his mum for failing to meet her exacting standards of gift wrapping.

Local Woman’s Out Of Office Auto Reply Beginning To Read More Like A Travel Itinerary

woman in office with out of office on thinking about airplaine

“HI THERE”

When 26-year-old Loren Ashley set up her out-of-office auto-reply last Friday, she didn’t just inform her colleagues she’d be away — she unwittingly provided them with a detailed travel log of her Christmas plans.

Local Mum Really Leaning On The “Santa Won’t Come” Threat To Round Off The Year

stressed mum in store with kids, thinking about santa

DESPERATE TIMES.

40 year old Katie Herbert, mother to boys Jack, 6, and Elliot, 8, is already at the end of her tether this holiday season.

Envious Phoenix Fan Gets Sick Pleasure From Auckland’s First Loss

Phoenix fan with losing Auckland team behind and headline

BACK DOWN TO EARTH.

In what can only be described as a humbling afternoon at Go Media Stadium, Auckland FC’s unbeaten run of seven games came to an abrupt and spectacular end.

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DISCLAIMER: NZ satire and NZ comedy have a long tradition. The Whakataki Times is a satirical news meme website, which means the stories and memes are made up for comedic effect.