Auckland FC Management Predicts First Loss Will Cause 75% Of Fans To Instantly Evaporate
THE AUCKLAND WAY.
As Auckland FC continue their dream run in their first season of the A-League, Chairman Bill Foley is preparing for the absolute worst and most likely scenario.
Government Proposes Ban On People Posting Unwatchable Festival Footage To Instagram Stories
WE GET IT, YOU’RE THERE.
The National government has announced its intention to extend the controversial ban on gang patches to tackle another societal menace: Instagram stories flooded with festival footage.
Drunk Woman In Town Becomes Best Friends With Toilet Stranger
BATHROOM BONDS.
Millie Inglis, 27, found herself in an all too familiar last night: waiting in line at the women’s bathroom at Fat Eddie’s Bar in Christchurch, desperately trying to hold it together after a few too many at the bar.
“Man That Smells Good” – Local Man Cooks Onions And Accepts Outsized Compliments On Cooking Ability
LIVING A LIE.
Matt Smyth, 34, had previously avoided all responsibility at shared gatherings for years at his flat. But on Saturday night, at his flatmate Sarah’s birthday barbecue, everything changed.
Women Of Wellington Devastated To Find Out David Seymour Is Off The Market
HEARTBREAK KID.
The progressive-minded women of Wellington were blindsided this morning with the news that ACT party leader David Seymour has had a secret girlfriend for the last two years.
IShowSpeed Snubs Prime Minister By Doing Backflip Over Him
THE LUXON LEAP
IShowSpeed has taken New Zealand by storm this week in a whirlwind tour that has left Kiwis both baffled and bemused.
RAZOR’S WISHLIST: Scott Robertson Asks Santa For Enough Japanese Yen To Buy Back Richie Mo’unga
SLEIGH FULL OF YEN.
All Blacks coach Scott “Razor” Robertson was spotted perched on Santa’s knee at Christchurch’s Northlands Mall today, clutching a handwritten wishlist. Top of the list: “Enough Japanese yen to buy Richie Mo’unga back.”
Christchurch Newcomer Desperately Joins Multiple Social Clubs To Compensate For Zero Local School History
SCHOOLING THE SYSTEM.
Sophie Cooper, a happy go-lucky go-getter had no idea her lack of Christchurch school history would leave her on the fringes of the city’s social circles.
Patch Ban Extended To Include Logos Of Expensive Cross Fit Gyms
CRACK DOWN CONTINUES.
Sophie Campbell, a 27-year-old CrossFit enthusiast, found herself in hot water today after unwittingly becoming one of the first people targeted under New Zealand’s newly enacted gang patch ban.
REINVIGORATING THE CAPITAL: Wellington Mayor Secretly Hoped Hikoi Would Turn Into Three Week Stay
ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY GUTTED.
Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau is reportedly heartbroken after the hikoi that swept through the capital this week wrapped up in a single day.
