REPORT: Vibe Of Stag Do Quite Different To Hens Night
NO LET UP.
Warren Slough and Taryn Bowman embarked on a tale of two parties over the weekend and also woke up with two very different types of hangovers.
Taryn and her squad of bridesmaids and close friends were sipping cocktails and coming across very well behaved at a downtown Auckland bar. The photos, which she was more than coherent enough to post on Instagram, showed a night of sophistication and subtle revelry, all in good taste ahead of her marrying her longtime partner.
Meanwhile, Warren’s closest mates had organised a day where subtlety was not on the menu.
Local Man Subtly Alludes To Air Travel By Posting Pic Of Beer And Boarding Pass
HIGH FLYER.
Christchurch local Stephen Lowe has given his Instagram followers a little clue about what he’s up to this weekend.
The direct sales consultant has coolly posted a picture of his Air New Zealand boarding pass, as he waits for his flight to Auckland for a mate’s stag do.
“Just jet-setting up to Auckland for another staggy, second one in six months haha, no biggie,” said the man, pleased as punch with himself.
REPORT: Summer Is Hot
MORE HOT DAYS AHEAD.
You may or may not have noticed it, but the last month and a bit has been quite hot.
Although hot weather is obviously a cause for caution and/or panic, some meteorologists believe that the soaring temperatures are a result of it being summer.
While this may seem hard to believe, there is some science to back up the claim.
Woman Shocks Colleagues By Revealing She Was Born In 2000
FRIGHTENING.
Ella McPhail, a seemingly mature and accomplished professional, dropped a bombshell on her unsuspecting colleagues today.
The 23 year-old who will turn 24 later this year, was in a mundane Wednesday morning conversation when one of her co-workers mentioned something about the company’s profits in the year 2000.
“Ha, same year I was born,” Ella said, a comment which would send shockwaves through her co-workers.
Local Dad Miraculously Makes It Through Entire Day Without Mentioning The Humidity
PERSONAL BEST.
Upper Hutt father of three Alan Gardner, 53, has outdone himself in the field of self control today.
For nearly a week the bank manager could be heard talking loudly to family, friends and neighbours about anything and everything, with all conversations leading back to how hot and humid it is at the moment.
“It has been bloody hot lately to be fair, and the reason it feels worse than you’d think is actually because of the humidity in the air,” he told our reporters, his key messages polished to perfection.
SHOCKING REVELATION: Leaked Report Shows Wellington Water Shortage Due To All The Leaky Pipes
WATER GATE.
A leaked document has revealed that the real culprit behind Wellington’s water woes is its poorly maintained and leaking pipes.
Wellington residents have been repeatedly told to limit water usage over the last few weeks, as the capital deals with a water shortage, meaning residential sprinklers and irrigation are banned but people can still water their gardens by hand with a hose.
The leaked report points the finger at dilapidated infrastructure and surprisingly did not blame climate change, environmental factors, or even a malevolent water-stealing conspiracy. However Wellington Council’s cycle lanes have been identified as partly responsible for distracting from the focus on water.
Local Bloke Enjoying Free-To-Air Cricket Like It’s 1999
BACK IN THE DAY.
A Palmerston North man is feeling like he’s stepped into a time warp these past few weeks, as he has been happily watching the Black Caps take on Pakistan without paying a single cent in subscription fees.
Aidan Tapper, a 31 year old team leader at Pak n Save, says this is the way things should be.
“It’s like the old days! Been cutting back on subscriptions so haven’t had Sky Sport for a year now, and yet somehow I’m watching live cricket!” he said, over the moon.
Older Gentleman Decides To Enjoy Black Clash Cricket Match Despite “Those Clowns In The Commentary”
JUST CALL THE MATCH.
North Shore retiree Ian Walgrave, 72, has given up on the possibility of watching the T20 Black Clash match with some normal, informed commentary.
The former arborist has watched the yearly match for the last five years and has consistently been annoyed by the commentary of the Alternative Commentary Collective, also known as the ACC.
“They’re just idiots. They don’t know what they’re talking about. How about some real cricket stats that haven’t been plucked from someone’s backside?
Woman With Stressful Job Has Second Glass Of Wine Instead Of Going On Crime Spree
RELAX AND UNWIND.
A Wellington woman has been making waves over the last couple of weeks, when it was revealed that her stressful job in parliament has not pushed her into a life of crime.
As a high-ranking advisor at the Department of the Prime Minister and Cabinet, 39 year old Maria Jarman says that instead of stealing thousands of dollars worth of retail items on the weekends, she tends to occasionally have one or two wines after work to de-stress.
“Yeah nothing special, I maybe will splash out on a $20 bottle of wine at New World,” she said as she had a sip of Hawke’s Bay pinot gris.
Golriz Resigns, All Those Missing Pens Return
STATIONERY SCANDAL.
The resignation of Greens MP, Golriz Ghahraman, has seen more than 1,000 branded pens returned to Green Party headquarters today, solving a mystery that had been hanging over the party for months.
Back in July 2023, former policy intern, Hannah Brent, had been tasked with ordering all the logo-clad clobber the Greens planned on giving away in the lead-up to the parliamentary election. Among the mass-produced merch were 1,000 biodegradable ballpoint pens, made with paper and recycled plastic, filled with eco-friendly ink, and shipped all the way from India.
