Secret Santa Snob Begins Rehearsals of “OMG, I Love It!”
I’VE ALWAYS WANTED…THAT.
Former Whakataki resident and renowned snob, Amelia Cunningham, is set to reprise her role as the grateful gift receiver this Christmas, when her family will gather to perform Secret Santa.
In a defiant commitment to tradition and total denial of inflation, the Cunningham family’s Secret Santa spending limit of $5 has seen an overall decline in the quality of gifts over the years. Where once a large box of Roses was standard, predictions for 2023 suggest gifts may peak at a small pack of Favourites.
Golf Widow Cruelly Insists Husband’s New Driver Stays Under Tree Until Christmas
PUTTING HER FOOT DOWN.
Jen Fraser’s strict Christmas rules are set to prevent her husband from unleashing his new driver at his Christmas golf competition this weekend.
The patient mother of three has supported husband Adam’s weekly golf hobby all year, actively encouraging him to play with his mates regularly.
She’s even agreed to purchase him a new $900 driver for Christmas, but she’s drawn the line at allowing him to open it before the actual day.
“All I Want For Christmas Is To Be Left TF Alone”
DECK YOUR OWN HALLS, MUM!
Jodi Cullum, a 30-year-old middle manager notorious for her resting bitch face, is hoping to avoid family Christmas celebrations and instead enjoy some time alone.
Cullum has spent the last 12 months battling through employee disputes, policy changes and personal grievances at work, and her personal life has been plagued by Bumble bungles and Tinder terrors. All in all, 2023 has been a year in which she felt everything other than thriving.
As we approach the holiday season, Cullum says the only thing that could make her year worse would be to spend time with her parents. But what is she seeking instead of some holiday cheer? “A box of wine and some peace and bloody quiet.”
Man Once Again Leaves It Too Late To Start Shredding For Rhythm
BIG JUICY.
A self confessed Rhythm & Vines “frother” will once again be bringing in the New Year in sloppy nick.
Brett Jackson, 29, is a huge fan of the popular Gisborne festival, attending the last four. He’s not exactly in bad shape, but admits he probably gets his kit off a little more than his rig would justify.
“You always joke that you’ve been shredding for Rhythm, but I actually wanted to start working out for it this year. The plan was to start in September so I’d be a bit more ripped…but it just didn’t happen.”
Bloke Looking Pretty Clueless Shopping Around Lululemon For Girlfriend’s Christmas Present
DUDE IN DISTRESS.
Chris Kerr looked like he’d never stepped foot in a retail shop in his life today.
The 33 year-old from Christchurch was in pursuit of the perfect Christmas gift for his yoga-loving girlfriend, Clara.
“I’d heard her mention that shop a few times over the past couple of years. She’s always coming home with new leggings from the lemon shop,” Kerr explained, again calling it ‘the lemon shop’ despite the popular activewear chain being called Lululemon.
Facebook Marketplace Lowballer Confused To Be Denied After Only Offering 10% Of Asking Price
WHAT GIVES?
Chris Adams has been left bewildered on Facebook Marketplace today.
After seeking a new BBQ, he found a decent looking one which was listed for $900 by someone called Mark Bentley.
Undeterred by the asking price and details of the BBQ which mentioned it was bought new for $2500 and had only been used three times, Chris, in a stroke of financial audacity, swooped in with an offer that would redefine the boundaries of lowballing. A crisp $90, accompanied by the succinct proclamation, “Cash, can collect now,” hoping that the seller would completely forget about the $900 asking price.
Disengaged Public Servant Still Hoping For A Redundancy This Christmas
DEAR SANTA.
Chloe Reginald, a 27 year old policy advisor at the Ministry of Education is still hanging onto the hope that she’ll get the gift she really wants this Christmas.
Reginald has worked on policy at the Ministry for two years now, and does not believe she has found real purpose in her job yet. Her three major pieces of work over the last two years have just recently been rejected and thrown in the trash by the new government, as was expected.
“Come on David, give me what I want this Christmas,” she said, referring to David Seymour who has promised to make major staffing cuts across the public sector bureaucracy.
Man In Rush To Do Christmas Shopping Sidesteps Through Footpath Congestion Like A 1996 Cullen
THE PAEKAKARIKI EXPRESS.
Dave Lonergan, a 34 year old builder from the Kapiti Coast, has once again left his Christmas shopping to the second to last week, and has thus had to navigate a torturous Lambton Quay in Wellington.
Lonergan rarely ventures into the big smoke, with no real passion for consumerism, and had to use all the tricks in his locker just to get around town.
“Couldn’t believe how many people were out on the street, swanning into shops, all walking slowly. I just wanted to get in there and get out as fast as possible.”
New Zealand Rugby Confirms Haka Will Not Be Replaced With Traditional English Folk Dancing
PHEW!
The New Zealand Rugby union has put many New Zealanders’ minds at ease today.
Chief Executive Mark Robinson confirmed the All Blacks traditional pregame haka will not in fact be replaced by a strange rhythmic dance called Morris dancing, a form of English folk dance.
The confirmation comes as rumours swirl from an outraged social media mob that the haka will be canned or replaced altogether.
Major Uptick In Children Asking Santa For A Pack Of Darts
NAUGHTY OR NICE.
According to an Official Information request made to Santa’s workshop, there has been a marked increase in the number of New Zealand children asking for tobacco products for Christmas this year.
While toys and lollies made up the bulk of children’s wish list items, 42% of kiwi children have also asked for a pack of darts. That’s up 20% since last year.
Labour health spokesperson and former health minister Ayesha Verrall believes this is because the new government reversed Smokefree legislation. “You see? I told you! National are not fit to govern!
