Smug Millennial Drafts Series Of Anti-Luxon Tweets Ahead Of Election Win
PREPARING FOR GAMEDAY.
Pink-haired millennial Ruby Galbraith is preparing herself for a big week on Twitter, now also known as ‘X’.
With the New Zealand election likely to see a new Prime Minister come Saturday evening, the 30 year-old from Wellington’s Aro Valley has carefully drafted up multiple anti Christopher Luxon Tweets ready to launch.
“Just another pale white male in a suit!” Galbraith shouted at our reporters, a comment she plans to later Tweet about the National Party leader.
Reece Walsh Reveals That The Pink Boots And The Pink Undies Are Just To Upset His Dad
AHH REECE.
Broncos and Queensland dynamo Reece Walsh has shed new light on his on-field fashion choices today.
Many have assumed that Walsh’s pink boots and pink undies were a way of adding insult to injury for the many top players he has skipped past on the rugby league field. But Walsh says it is just a fun way to annoy his dad.
“Just a bit of fun aye, poor old dad can’t stand me wearing the pink. It’s become too funny not to wear it,” laughed Walsh.
Determined Shopper Absolutely Losing It Over Fears He Left The Oven On
SURELY NOT??
A supermarket shopper has persevered through “the most stressful experience” of his life, agonising over if his house was burning down at that very moment.
It started off like any other Sunday afternoon shop for the aptly named Shaun Heatson.
But it all changed when he rounded the aisle to the canned goods section.
Seeing his usual three pack of spaghetti sticking out at him a third of the way down, he realised he might have left the oven on at home.
Blackcaps Stoked To Have Game Against England Not Decided By Boundary Countback
A VICTORY FOR COMMON SENSE.
The Blackcaps and New Zealand cricket fans are relieved today after the winner of their cricket World Cup match against England was decided in a more common manner.
The Blackcaps chased down England’s total, meaning they won the game by purely scoring more runs than them, and were not denied by any strange rule made up by the ICC.
Trent Boult, who had endured the heartache of the infamous 2019 World Cup final, was visibly thrilled to have experienced a victory via the traditional method.
Razor Spotted Sifting Through The Rubbish Bins At All Blacks Hotel
LOOKING FOR CLUES.
All Blacks coach-to-be, Scott Razor Robertson has been seen going to desperate lengths to prepare himself for his coaching job, post World Cup.
ABs fan Adam Grogan says he saw the Cantabrian peering into a skip bin outside the All Blacks hotel.
“Can’t be totally sure what he was up to. Perhaps looking for clues about how the ABs are preparing for their match against Uruguay tomorrow?”
Widespread Anger As Mum Shuts Down Calls For Fish And Chips For Dinner
THREAT TO DEMOCRACY.
A seemingly ordinary evening in Nelson, New Zealand took a dramatic turn as a simple family dinner decision escalated into a major controversy.
In an astonishing turn of events, a 42 year old mum’s unilateral decision to forgo fish and chips for dinner this time has been labelled a “threat to democracy” by young members of the household.
The Smith family, comprised of mum Jane, dad Michael, and their three sons – Jack (14), Ben (12), and Sam (9) – have got into the habit lately of dropping in to Victory Square Fish and Chips on a Wednesday, as the day has become busy with various after school activities.
Hawkes Bay Rugby Player Admits Broken Ranfurly Shield Was Meant For “Private Story Only”
SNAPCHAT SLIP-UP.
A Hawke’s Bay rugby player has come clean about the recent Ranfurly Shield catastrophe, revealing that the shield was never meant for the public eye in the first place. It appears that the shield’s accidental dismantling was merely a Snapchat slip-up gone horribly wrong.
The Magpies, in a victorious clash with the Wellington Lions, managed to snatch the coveted Shield on Saturday afternoon after their 20-18 win. However, it wasn’t their triumph on the field that made headlines, but rather a peculiar revelation that unfolded on social media.
JUSTIFYING LAST WEEK: Wahs Fan Empties TAB Account On Broncs
SHOW ME THE MONEY.
Die-hard Warriors fan Mark Hickey has declared himself the newest supporter of the Brisbane Broncos.
His late support comes ahead of tonight’s NRL Grand Final, where he will empty the remainder of his TAB account on the Broncos who face current champions, the Penrith Panthers.
This unexpected allegiance swap comes hot on the heels of the Warriors’ unfortunate loss to the Broncos last week, leaving Hickey feeling like he had no choice but to jump ship and back the very team that had dashed his hopes.
Italians Blame Lacklustre Performance On “Not Enough Of Nonna’s Meatballs”
EXPLAINS IT.
The Italian rugby team have effectively blamed their 96-17 pool match loss to the All Blacks on their poor pre-match preparation.
Rather than admitting that they were simply outclassed on the field in all facets of the game, the Italians are pointing their fingers at a most unexpected culprit – the absence of Nonna’s legendary meatballs.
For those not in the know, Nonna Maria’s meatballs have been an integral part of the Italian rugby team’s pre-match ritual during this Rugby World Cup. They helped them to a huge 52-8 win over Namibia and then a second half comeback against Uruguay where they won 38-17.
ABs Group Stage Match Against Italy Somehow Feeling Like A Cup Final
HOW DID IT COME TO THIS?
It’s safe to say that this is another fine mess the All Blacks have gotten themselves into.
After losing their first ever pool match in World Cup history (annoyingly against the French) the All Blacks have been forced to name a full strength starting line-up to take on a team that they have famously thrashed in past years.
While the Italian side will be feeling confidence practically bursting from their downstairs, the All Blacks are treating the match like it’s the final.
