Shaun Stevenson Goes Whitebaiting On The Waikato River
TURNING THE TIDE.
One test All Black Shaun Stevenson is coping with his absence from the All Blacks Rugby World Cup squad by indulging in a little whitebaiting adventure down the scenic Waikato River.
Stevenson, widely touted by fans and experts alike as a potential inclusion in Ian Foster’s 33-man squad for the World Cup, has chosen to address his feelings of disappointment through a rather unconventional path.
MBIE Employee Gets Sick Thrill Out Of The Prospect Of Being Sacked By David Seymour
IMAGINE THAT.
A 33-year-old man working at the Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment (MBIE) has interestingly expressed excitement over the prospect of being made redundant by David Seymour’s promise to cut government jobs if elected to government.
The employee, who prefers to remain anonymous, claims to be sick and tired of his public sector job at MBIE, feeling disillusioned by the severe lack of value he adds each day.
Upon learning about ACT’s proposal to halve the more than 6000 staff at MBIE and shut down work on several government projects, the man found a glimmer of hope.
Shopping Mall’s Sickeningly Slow Wifi Found To Be Free For A Reason
GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR.
Queensgate Shopping Mall’s “free wifi” has left shoppers frustrated and resorting to desperate measures this weekend.
30-year-old Lower Hutt resident, Mark Johnson attempted to connect his phone to the mall’s wifi this afternoon, only to experience agonising connectivity speeds.
The man had naturally used his mobile data allocation for the month only days before it would renew. He foolishly thought he could get by with the free option.
3rd Division Rugby Player Most Definitely Playing Hungover
Kori Jenkins didn’t need to tell his Marist teammates he was feeling a bit under the weather today.
That’s because the 29 year-old was visibly hungover as he showed up to his Div 3 club match in Christchurch after pushing the boat out a bit too far at his work drinks last night.
“Hey there, lads! How’s the world treating you?” Jenkins boomed, the thud of his gear bag punctuating his entrance as it landed unceremoniously on the seats within the changing rooms. Striding in a full 25 minutes later than his E.T.A, he was a living testament to the perils of revelry.
Local Piss Head Who Says “I’ll Be Fine If I Stick To The Beers” Definitely Won’t Be Fine
JUST A QUIET ONE.
In a classic case of misguided confidence, a man from Hastings is adamant that he will have a perfectly controlled night out at the Cru Bar by sticking to just beer and avoiding spirits.
Experts predict that this plan will inevitably backfire, resulting in a night of chaos and a painful hangover the next day.
Meet Dave, a self-proclaimed “hearty drinker” who firmly believes that as long as he stays away from the “strong stuff,” he’ll be able to maintain composure throughout the evening.
Election Season Officially Open As This Creature Emerges From The Fiery Depths Of Hell
DEMONIC DEMOCRACY.
In news that has shocked no-one, the “orange guy” mascot for the New Zealand Electoral Commission has been revealed as a soulless demon servant to Satan himself.
The election season has officially begun as this mysterious creature crawled out of what appeared to be a portal to hell that cracked open on Willis Street in Wellington’s CBD this evening.
Hipkins Tight-Lipped About Plan To Remove GST From Sausage Rolls And Coke Zero
PASTRY PROMISE.
In the wake of recent speculation regarding the removal of GST from fruit and vegetables, Prime Minister Chippy Hipkins has found himself in the midst of another controversy.
This time, it revolves around two of his favourite things: sausage rolls and Coke Zero. However, despite media inquiries, the Prime Minister remains tight-lipped about whether Labour has any plans to exempt these items from the Goods and Services Tax (GST).
CONTENT CRISIS: Summer Festie Girl Having To Make Do With Dog Walks To Fill The Insta-Void
FROM RAVES TO ROVER.
Alyce Robinson, a 23-year-old from Christchurch, has found herself in the throes of a dreaded content crisis. With winter reigning supreme in the garden city, Alyce’s once sizzling Instagram feed had turned as frosty as the winter air.
Robinson, who would usually be armed with multiple saucy photos of herself ready to launch on her personal Instagram page, now had to subject her followers to an onslaught of fur coats, scarves, and winter boots.
REPORT: Toxic Political Work Culture Could Be Caused By “All The Lying And Backstabbing”
WHO KNEW?
A groundbreaking new report has found that the hidden cause of the toxic work culture within New Zealand’s parliament could be “all the lying and backstabbing”.
The independent report was commissioned by concerned citizens following the demise of Kiri Allan’s career, which came to a dramatic head this week, apparently due to unaddressed mental health issues.
Palmerston North Mayor Dusts Off The Old “Great Place To Raise A Family” Line
TAKING BACK THE NARRATIVE.
In response to recent reports of the Spain Women’s football team leaving their base in Palmerston North during the Women’s World Cup, citing boredom with the city, the Mayor of Palmerston North has dusted off the old adage that the city may be perceived as boring but remains a great place to raise a family.
The news of the Spanish team’s early departure from Palmy due to boredom has garnered mixed reactions from the city’s residents. While some are surprised that the city’s lack of excitement has become a talking point on the international stage, others are more understanding of the athletes’ point of view.
