ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture
MALL OF THE DEAD
Outgoing Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau has promised to tackle one of the capital’s most neglected crises before she steps down as Mayor later this year— the zombie infestation of the Johnsonville Shopping Centre.
“Before I go, I need to fix the zombie problem here. It’s gotten out of hand,” said Whanau, gesturing toward a shadowy part of the foodcourt as tumbleweed rolled past an empty Subway kiosk. “The people of Wellington deserve better. And by people, I mean any living humans still willing to enter this mall and come out alive.”
Whanau today announced she would not be seeking a second term as mayor, but would hopefully leave the community in Johnsonville less frightened of stepping anywhere near their shopping centre.
“Look, it’s important we restore hope — and possibly human life — to this site,” said Whanau. “When you walk in there right now, it feels like you’re about to get bitten by a reanimated corpse hiding in a retail store that’s been abandoned since 2009.”
“The atmosphere in there is chilling,” said local shopper Denise Kirkwood, who visited the mall last week to get her phone screen repaired. “I swear one of the mannequins blinked at me. Either that or it was a former Glassons employee who’s been trapped there for a decade.”
“You walk in there and you’re always met with cold air, flickering lights, and a sense that something — or someone — is watching you from the old DVD store. Hopefully Tory can sort this before she steps down.”
Whanau is expected to officially bow out of the mayoral race later this year, ideally after a few zombies have been rehomed.
More to come.
This story was brought to you by NZHL’s most switched on mortgage advisors. Take back control of your current mortgage or get advice on how to get your first home loan.
