ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture
EMPTY HANDED
Ben Lovell, 29, arrived at a mate’s party on Friday night carrying nothing but a half-finished energy drink, one he’d already cracked open as he drove to the house where he planned to leave his car.
Despite showing up empty-handed, Lovell loudly declared he was “keen as to go out later”, confusing guests who noted he would be relying almost entirely on the kindness or inattentiveness of others to get there in the form of a few alcoholic drinks
Lovell wasted little time drifting towards the chilly bin, adopting the classic technique of pretending to “check what’s in here” before quietly grabbing a beer that was very much not his.
“He did that thing where he says ‘Whose is this?’ while already opening it,” said one partygoer. “By the time anyone could answer, he was halfway through it.”
As the night went on, Lovell reportedly cycled through brands he definitely didn’t bring: a Pals here, a cheap lager there, even a craft pale ale he described as “a bit fancy, but yeah nah sweet”.
“Nah I was going grab a box on the way here, but like… it looked busy in there and didn’t want to turn up late here or anything,” Lovell explained, despite being one of the first guests to arrive.
Friends noted that Lovell made no attempt to replace what he’d taken, though he did offer a sip of his warm, nearly empty energy drink “if anyone’s keen”.
At press time, Lovell was seen asking if anyone wanted to split an Uber into town, despite having contributed exactly zero dollars and even fewer beverages to the evening.
More to come.
