THINK ABOUT IT.

Labour leader Chris Hipkins has revealed some of the thinking behind his party’s election strategy today, responding to criticism that the opposition has been “light on policy”.

Wearing a black leather jacket, gold watch and chain to go with a brand new moustache, Hipkins said Labour “would not fall into that trap” of overpromising things to voters, like the current government has.

“Christopher Luxon and the National Party are breaking so many of the promises that they made to New Zealanders,” Hipkins said.

“The trick for us this year is to have an each-way bet by not announcing anything before the votes are in. Think about it. You can’t break election promises if you don’t make any,” he said with a knowing grin, while tapping his finger on his forehead. 

Labour’s current policies include three free GP visits per year for each kiwi, a “future fund”, and that’s basically it. Hipkins maintains that this is plenty for now. 

“They say you never interrupt your enemy while they’re making a mistake. So why would I interrupt Christopher Luxon now?”

When asked about his new makeover, Hipkins says he was looking for “a new look and a fresh new attitude”.  

“But don’t you worry too much about details like that, ha ha ha. I’ve been in this business a long time. I know exactly what I’m doing,” he said confidently, tapping his forehead with his index finger once more. 

Prime Minister Luxon was due to comment during a scheduled media interview, but has since decided to cancel it. 

More to come. 

The post SAFE AND SOUND: Chris Hipkins Says You Can’t Break Election Promises If You Don’t Make Any appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

OOH THAT’S HOPPY

35 year old Hayden Carson put his friends through the ringer this afternoon, when he inevitably got onto his favourite topic of discussion – craft beer.

The graphic designer from Wellington was visiting some university friends in Christchurch, where they enjoyed a few brews at The Good Home Prebbleton.

“Hate to say it, but even though it’s gone so commercial, it’s still hard to beat a Supercharger ay?” he asked our reporters, who nodded along obediently.

“Just the right amount of hoppiness to it, and you can still pick up the other more subtle tones.

“I was at a little micro brewery in the Aro valley last week, you wouldn’t have heard of it. Super unique flavours in their hazy. I’ll send you a  link to their page,” he boasted, trying to generate as much cultural capital as he possibly could.

Carson’s agitated friend Darren, who witnessed the display, managed to stay calm during his ordeal.

“This is classic Hayden, beer is his thing now. He’s got the beard, the glasses and the tattoos – at this point it would be weird if he wasn’t really into craft beer,” explained Darren as he enjoyed his own Supercharger without giving a verbal analysis.

“Just nod along and let him have his moment.”

The beer connoisseur then interrupted to verbally appreciate the venue. “This place has a cool vibe, The Good Home right? Christchurch actually has a really cool vibe these days, it’s kinda like what Wellington used to be,” said Carson without prompting.

Carson then went on to punish the on-duty bar tender by demanding a free taste of several other beers.

More to come.

This story was brought to you by the good people at The Good Home Prebbleton in Prebbleton, Christchurch. 

The post Man Describes Flavours He’s Detecting In Craft Beer Whether Friends Want To Hear It Or Not appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

“JAKE! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CALL THIS?”

Danielle Timmins’ blood was boiling this evening.

After a hectic day at the pre-school she works at, the 29 year old came home early to make dinner for herself and her current boyfriend of two years, Jake Coombes.

Coombes returned home from his scaffolding job and gave thanks to his partner for the delicious chicken parmigiana she had made.

After scoffing down the meal while brainlessly watching TikToks his mates had sent him, he then chucked his very dirty plate in the dishwasher, which was full of sparkling clean dishes. Coombes still failed to register that emptying the dishwasher was a task he was meant to do last night. 

Our reporters were inside the couple’s kitchen watching the drama unfold.

“Are you kidding me, Jake?” Danielle reportedly exclaimed, her voice sharp enough to slice through the TikTok audio still playing on his phone. “Do you ever stop to think about what you’re doing?”

“What?” Jake asked, disinterested in his girlfriend’s fury.

“Do you think this plate goes in here? It needs emptying! Ugh. Seriously, I give up on you.”

“Babe, you’re overreacting. It’s not like I put the plate in upside down. Just chill.”

Danielle declined to comment further, storming off to her room, clearly fed up with the day.

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Woman’s Patience Wearing Thin After Boyfriend Puts Dirty Plate In Dishwasher With The Clean Dishes appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THE AUCKLAND WAY

As Auckland FC continue their dream run in their first season of the A-League, Chairman Bill Foley is preparing for the absolute worst and most likely scenario.

Foley, who co-owns the club with Anna Mowbray and Ali Williams, says based on the general character of the average Aucklander, about three quarters of the club’s fans will vanish into thin air when they experience their first loss.

“Aucklanders are a cold-hearted bunch, very prone to losing interest in a sports team if they stop winning,” he said sagely.

“You only need to remember back to the New Zealand Knights or the Football Kingz to see what happens to Auckland football teams once they lose the plot.

“Any fan of a newly established Auckland franchise has a high chance of evaporation.”

The businessman, who also owns part of English club AFC Bournemouth, even pointed to the fluctuation in interest in the Auckland-based Blues Super Rugby team.

“Even the Blues can’t afford to be too shit, and they play New Zealand’s national sport! And I’m not sure how the Warriors have kept people coming to their games during the bad old days”

When asked about what the Wellington Phoenix was doing right as far as keeping fans interested, Foley looked at the situation from a practical angle. 

“Auckland is New Zealand’s only major city and it has plenty to offer, lots of choices for people about how they spend their time. In contrast, when you live in a city as boring as Wellington, even a losing Phoenix team can seem exciting. 

At this stage the co-owner is doing all he can to keep the team’s winning streak going. 

“Just need to get the total fan base up to a really solid number before 75% of them spontaneously combust.”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Auckland FC Management Predicts First Loss Will Cause 75% Of Fans To Instantly Evaporate appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

TORY FROM TURNERS

Instead of copping more flak over her recent media missteps, Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau has had some surprisingly good news – she’s reportedly in the running to replace Tina from Turners, New Zealand’s beloved spokesperson for Turners Car Auctions.

Rumours are swirling that she’s being considered to replace Tina from Turners, who’s fame is currently catapulting her onto bigger and better things.  

The speculation comes after Whanau recently claimed she sold her own car in an attempt to make ends meet amid the rising cost of living in Wellington.

“I’ve sold my car recently to help pay the bills,” Whanau confessed during a Newstalk ZB interview. Her words resonated so much that it’s now rumoured that Turners Automotive Group, who owes much of its success to Tina, are considering whether Whanau would be a good fit for their company. 

When asked why Turners is considering this major shake-up, the spokesperson was candid. 

“Tina’s been with us for years, and she’s done a fantastic job,” they acknowledged.

“But the market’s changed, and we need someone who can really connect with the everyday Kiwi – someone who doesn’t just sell cars, but knows what it’s like to scrape together every last dollar to afford one. 

“Tory’s experience, both as mayor and as someone who’s had to sell her own vehicle just to make ends meet, makes her an excellent candidate. 

“So we’re hoping we can put together an offer as good as the one she’s been given by Wellington voters.”

More to come.

Big fan of the Whakataki? Use the form on this page to become a Whakataki backer. You can also follow us on Insta.

The post Car-Selling Expert Tory Whanau Rumoured To Replace Tina From Turners appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GROUNDBREAKING

43 year old recruitment manager Michelle Williamson’s LinkedIn account has been popping off this week, with likes and comments rolling in thick and fast. 

The long-serving Ministry of Education employee took to the popular social media platform and neatly summarised the importance of work life balance – something no-one has ever attempted on LinkedIn until now.  

“It’s been amazing to see such wide support for this post I did. It’s something no one ever has the courage to talk about, but it’s so, so important.”

The post titled ‘5 reasons why it’s all about balance when it comes to work’ has just crossed the ‘100 like’ mark. 

“In the corporate world these days, it’s all about work, work, work. But what about people’s wellbeing? We need to make sure our people are mentally okay, so they can bring their best selves into the office,” said Ms. Williamson, still in disbelief that no one’s ever said anything like this on LinkedIn ever before. 

Her post touched on themes of ‘being kind to yourself’ and ‘turning off your work phone when you finish for the day’. Social media analyst Jan Jansen says it’s about time someone on LinkedIn said what we’ve all been thinking. 

“Michelle’s shown so much bravery posting something like this, knowing full well that her employer will be able to see it. Hopefully it’s a wake-up call to all public service agencies in the capital.”

With such a wildfire response, it will be hard for Williamson to top this groundbreaking post, however she says she has a few ideas in the pipeline. 

“Ooh I’m definitely going to ruffle feathers next time I’m on LinkedIn. 

“In my next post… I’m going after gender inequality,” she smirked. 

More to come. 

Big fan of the Whakataki? Use the form on this page to become a Whakataki backer. You can also follow us on Insta.

The post Wellington Woman Sets LinkedIn On Fire With Post About Work Life Balance appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DOES THE JOB

In a world where most people complain about their old vehicles, a 29-year-old Palmerston North man is reminding us that sometimes, all you need is a little optimism and a reliable old car to get by.

Jake Anderson is a concreter with a heart full of positivity and a car that’s seen better days. While most people his age are dreaming of shiny new rides, Jake passionately defends his trusty ‘98 Corolla.

“Hey, it gets me from A to B though doesn’t it”, he said confidently. 

“It’s all about perspective,” Jake says with a contented wink. “She may not be the prettiest car farting round Palmy, but she’s got piles of character and gets the job done.”

Jake’s car, affectionately named “Shaz,” has certainly seen her fair share of wear and tear. With a faded paint job, a broken tape deck, and more dents and scratches than he can count, Shaz isn’t turning heads for her aesthetic appeal. However, Jake remains steadfast in his belief that it’s the heart of the car that counts.

“Shazza’s taken me on countless adventures,” Jake continues. “From road trips to work commutes, she’s always been reliable. I’ve had her since school, and she’s never let me down.”

Jake’s positive attitude towards his car is infectious. Friends and coworkers often tease him about his beloved vehicle, but they can’t deny its unwavering reliability.

“Everyone takes the piss out of Shaz,” admits Jase, another concreter. “But I have to admit, that car has never broken down, even in the worst weather. Ol’ Shazza’s a tough old bird.”

Jake’s outlook on life while he sits behind the wheel of Shaz can be a lesson to us all. “It’s all about making the best of what you have,” Jake says. “Shaz has got a lot of life left in her, plus a strong heart and a can-do attitude.”

The interview was cut short as Jake confidently took Shaz to get a warrant. 

More to come. 

Big fan of the Whakataki? Use the form on this page to become a Whakataki backer. You can also follow us on Insta.

The post Local Man Hastily Points Out That His Run Down Car Will “Get You From A To B” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHAT A SHAME

Senior Business Analyst Tim Carson has done well to hide his disappointment in recent weeks. The consultant advising the government and billing at $150 an hour was clearly mortified that all the work he has put into the RNZ / TVNZ merger has been for nothing. 

The merger was one of many Labour ideas that PM Chippy Hipkins tossed on what legacy media has called the “policy bonfire”. 

Carson explained how upset he was while perusing a boat on Wellington Harbour that he was thinking about purchasing. “Oh look, it’s terrible news isn’t it? Merging TVNZ and RNZ was a really meaningful piece of work that gave me such a deep sense of purpose each day,” he grinned broadly, obviously trying to conceal his anguish. 

“What am I going to do now that I don’t have that really meaningful, purposeful project to get me going in the morning?”

While the Seatoun local put on a brave face, he acknowledged that perhaps not all is lost during this personally difficult time. “I’m sure I will bounce back somehow. Plenty of time for self reflection, and I think three weeks away with the family in Hawaii will help.

“It’ll just be so hard to forget about all that wasted work I put into that really important proje-” he started before breaking into a fit of laughter, presumably hysterical.  

Mr Carson hopes he will find a way to enjoy his time off while in Hawaii. He has reportedly had to turn off the notifications on his LinkedIn page because of all the direct messages from recruitment agencies trying to fill new government contracts. 

“I’m just not sure if there’ll be another chance to work on something as important as this merger that’s been shelved. Such a shame”. 

More to come.

Want to keep up with more of the news that’s important? Instagram works well for that! Check out the Whakataki Times on Insta.

The post Consultant On $6k A Week Really Sad About All The Work He Put Into The Whole RNZ/TVNZ Thing appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GETTING CLOSER!

Scott ‘Razor’ Robertson is now as close as he’s ever been to becoming All Blacks head coach.

That’s after the New Zealand Rugby Union revealed to the Crusaders supercoach that they may consider him as a potential candidate for the top job, if he simply wins another five straight Super Rugby titles.

Robertson, who had just come off winning his sixth consecutive title with the Crusaders after they defeated the Blues in Auckland last night, was full of relief when speaking to the Whakataki Times reporters.

“Oh gee that’s great news isn’t it? Only another five titles. I was starting to think the NZRU may have wanted us to win 10 more on the bounce,” said Robertson, fully knowing he’s actually capable of winning 10 straight titles if need be.

Pressure has been mounting on the NZRU ever since making the incredibly boring appointment of Ian Foster in 2019, which has seen the AB’s ranking slide under his reign. But they appear to have given Robertson a glimmer of hope with their latest dangling of the carrot.

“It’s actually nice to get some clarity from them for once. What was it? Five more titles they want me to win? Hopefully that’ll show them I actually know a bit about this thing called winning. Gee Foster must have had one hell of a coaching record?” smirked Robertson glancing up at multiple Super Rugby trophies at Crusaders headquarters.

NZ Rugby boss Mark Robinson spoke to our reporters about the latest carrot dangle.

“What we’ve said is, look Razor you’re going well, but we still have a few question marks. So five more Super Rugby titles should give us enough time to work out if this guy’s actually a decent candidate,” he said, without actually saying what those question marks actually are.

When our reporters asked Robertson what he would bring to the table should he eventually get the top job, he left us with this mouthwatering proposal.

“Have you ever seen anyone break dance in front of the William Webb Ellis trophy?”

More to come.

Want to keep up with more of the news that’s important? Instagram works well for that! Check out the Whakataki Times on Insta.

The post Scott Robertson Only Five More Super Rugby Titles Away From Being Considered For All Blacks Job appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

IN THE SAME BOAT! 

Daniel Carter, considered one of the greatest players in rugby history, is rumoured to be rejoining the workforce as a professional player due the soaring cost of petrol.

The Whakataki Times spoke to witnesses who saw the former All Black’s perplexed look as he glanced up at his local LED petrol price sign.

“He just looked like a man who knew he’d have to start bringing in more money just to cover his gas. I mean look at that price of Unleaded 95. Well over $3.50 now!” laughed Barry Collins, 58, a service station attendant at Remuera’s Z station.

The reports of Carter coming out of retirement coincidentally come as Tom Brady, the NFL’s greatest quarterback of all time, suddenly decided to come out of retirement and continue his employment status as one of the world’s top paid athletes.

Carter, who is seemingly doing the opposite of what a fully retired former professional athlete should do, has now uploaded two posts in the last 48 hours on his official Instagram account of him looking very much like a full-time rugby player, or at least one seemingly desperate to re-enter the workforce.

One of his recent posts read “Is it weird that I can’t get off the field even though I’ve retired?”  with a photo of him surrounded by rugby balls after what looked like a length kicking session.

Followed by another video of himself comfortably kicking rugby balls off both feet, captioned “Always making sure both sides are my good side.” 

Local petrol head Codie Walker, 19, wasn’t sure of Carter’s recent posts but also agreed the World Cup champion shouldn’t confine himself to being on struggle street during the petrol price hike.

“I mean gee, those prices at the pump have hit everyone from all walks of life! Be good to see him back out there. Mum would be pleased to see him back anyway!” 

More to come. 

Want to keep up with more of the news that’s important? Instagram works well for that! Check out the Whakataki Times on Insta.

The post Rising Cost Of Petrol Certain To Force Dan Carter Out Of Retirement appeared first on The Whakataki Times.