GLIMMERING RUINS

Wellington’s Johnsonville Mall has been rewarded at the Oscars this year for being hauntingly similar to a society in collapse.

The mall  was used as the main set for the Hollywood blockbuster Desolate Earth, starring Chris Pratt, and the production crew won the Oscar for Best Production Design.

The long-neglected shopping centre was praised by critics and filmmakers alike for its eerie, desolate atmosphere, which required absolutely no modification for the film.

Speaking exclusively to The Whakataki Times on the red carpet, Chris Pratt reflected on his time filming in Johnsonville.

“I asked for a chair between takes, and they said, ‘Yeah, good luck finding one that isn’t bolted to the floor in the food court,’” Pratt said. “It really helped me get into character. You can feel the despair in the air.”

“I thought, ‘Okay, props to the set designers, this looks exactly like a store that shut down 15 years ago.’ Then I realised—it was a store that shut down 15 years ago.” Pratt said, still shaken from his experience in Johnsonville.

The win caused some controversy however, with films that missed out claiming that it’s not really set design if the location already looks like the ruins of a fallen civilisation. 

The Academy however praised the mall for its “sheer lifelessness,” highlighting the flickering fluorescent lights, the broken escalator permanently stuck between floors, and the distant hum of a vending machine no one has used in years.

Meanwhile, Johnsonville Mall’s management has expressed their gratitude for the recognition but clarified that there was no prize money and there will be no renovations.

More to come. 

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LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH

The widely ridiculed band of the 2000s, Nickelback are counting their blessings in 2024. 

While lead singer Chad Kroeger had felt left out at the time, he and his band mates are now quite pleased they didn’t get the invite to any of Sean “P Diddy” Combs’ infamous celebrity parties. 

“Turns out being an uncool, commercially focused soft metal band paid off in the long run,” said Kroeger as he held up a photograph from a Diddy party, while telling us to look at it. 

“We always felt like the outcasts of the music industry. A bit like high school, not getting invited to parties by the cool kids.”

Kroeger then put the photograph down after it was suitably acknowledged by the reporters in attendance. 

“In the end though, we’re all really pleased we were never drugged and videotaped committing heinous sex crimes,” he laughed. 

While rumours swirl on the internet about just how bad this guy is, we can confirm Diddy is in federal custody and has been accused of sexual assault by 120 different people. Without going into too much detail, there’s been speculation about which other celebrities are just as bad, if not worse than Diddy, and there have been many calls to “pray for Justin Bieber”. 

Kroeger also addressed the latest claims that Nickelback are actually good, something that journalists only began reporting earlier this year. 

“Just as well that  people only think we’re cool now that we’re all old and settled down with families. No chance of us staying out too late at an event anyway, let alone one of Diddy’s ‘freak-offs’,” said Kroeger logically. 

“Gotta admit I’m enjoying watching all this stuff come out though. Definitely going through the popcorn,” he laughed.

More to come. 

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“FUSH AND CHUPS”

Kade Stevens did not know that one phrase would soon become his personal torment whilst living in Australia.

The 25 year-old recently moved over to the Gold Coast in hope of better work opportunities and better money.

However the born and bred Kiwi would often find himself engaged in friendly conversations that nevertheless ended up heading towards the topic of his homeland and accent.

Our reporters were on the Gold Coast where Stevens was working and hanging out with some friends he’d recently made.

“Hey Kade, say ‘fish and chips’, requested Kade’s new acquaintance Matty Clarke, who believed he had set an undetectable trap for the New Zealander to walk straight into.

When the words ‘fish and chips’ left the Australian’s lips, sounding more like ‘feesh and cheeps’ to Kade, the kiwi flinched as the phrase echoed through the entire fibre of his being. 

Having heard this request almost every day since starting work in Aussie, Stevens knew what the people wanted, and this time he decided to give it to them, as all efforts to protest or fight back against the injustice had been totally fruitless. 

“Fish and chips”, he said, putting on the strongest kiwi accent he could muster.

“Hahahaha! Fush and chups!” his co-worker Clarke mockingly shouted back at him. 

Stevens smiled and nodded, and then sat and waited microseconds for the conversation to inevitably turn towards the topic of sheep. 

More to come. 

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TOO CLOSE TO CALL

Rihanna, Erykah Badu and Lil Nas X are all in the running to win the coveted “Creepiest Looking Weirdo” prize at this year’s Met Gala. 

As the world’s elites, celebrities and assorted other rich narcissists come together for the biggest fundraiser of the year, our media makes sure that the rest of us can see just exactly what these people are up to. 

In a desperate bid to get attention by any means possible, it has become a tradition for celebrities to come dressed in increasingly bizarre costumes. 

Rihanna came dressed as a pavlova with sunglasses – but these weren’t just any sunglasses, these sunglasses had eyelashes attached to them. She claimed that she was “railing against the oppressive, patriarchal norms that say that eyelashes must be attached to eyelids”. Rihanna also said that it was “outdated and sexist” to think that women should not dress themselves as desserts. 

Erykah Badu styled herself as some sort of high priestess of a bloodthirsty cult from another galaxy. One would not be surprised to see the bottom half of her face flap open to reveal a fleshy lip covered in a hundred razor-sharp fangs. 

Meanwhile Lil Nas X skipped the whole idea of getting dressed up in a costume, instead opting to chuck on a pair of undies and spray paint himself silver. 

The winner of the prize for “Creepiest Looking Weirdo” is anyone’s guess at this stage, but we expect to find out sometime this week.  

More to come.

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GROSS!

As video of the Dalai Lama emerges showing him publicly forcing a young boy to kiss him on the lips and then saying “now suck my tongue”, the media have reacted with a collective “ooh that’s a bit yucky”.

While any normal person who judges reality by what they can see and hear, we are being told that it’s all fine and no investigation into child abuse is needed. The Dalai Lama is just a kooky old man and head of a morally virtuous Eastern religion – and not a creepy pervert.

It is totally different from the very well publicised child abuse scandals that have plagued the Catholic church over decades. Nothing to see here, just the lovable old Dalai Lama, forcing little boys to kiss him and then laughing about it on camera.

We should all just keep trusting this person to not abuse his position of power. Nothing to worry about. It’s just a jolly old man poking some fun with a little boy in public. He probably wouldn’t be doing anything way, way worse with little boys when no one can see it, right? Right? Nothing to worry about ay media?

More to come. 

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YOU SHALL NOT ASK

Hannah Smith, 26, has been enjoying her OE for the best part of a year now, but had been growing tired of the constant barrage of questions about her home country being the movie set of Lord of The Rings.

The Peter Jackson directed trilogy, which was filmed in New Zealand more than 20 years ago, always seemed to come up in Smith’s conversations with foreigners around Europe.

However Ms. Smith was able to reach something of a milestone during her time in Berlin. The born and bred Wellingtonian went a whole week of travel there without locals even mentioning the trilogy.

“When I mentioned to some of the locals that I’m from New Zealand, I wasn’t met with the usual, ‘Oh beautiful scenery, I loved how it looked in Lord of The Rings’ blah blah blah. Maybe they’ve finally moved on from The LOTR craze?” hypothesised Smith, who had been growing sick and tired of explaining that Kiwis don’t all live in hobbit houses.

“Usually when someone hears my accent they go ‘Hey aren’t you from New Zealand? That’s where they filmed Lord of The Rings!’, which is where I have to explain to them that New Zealand’s got a bit more to it than just those movies from the early 2000s.

“It was quite nice to just talk about the All Blacks instead of Gandalf and Frodo for once.”

It appeared that Smith was in a relaxed state, and no longer felt the need to brace herself for chat about hobbits and orcs. “Well it has been nice to just talk about my country as it actually is in real life, and not have it referred to as “Middle-earth”.

More to come. 

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OH REAL?

Very mainstream news provider CNN reported yesterday that the virus that went around the world over the last couple of years likely did come from the Wuhan Institute of Virology, a very large building that contains many viruses. 

The news came as a shock to most of the general public who have generally thought the most obvious origin of a virus would be some bloke eating a bat. 

The Whakataki Times took to the streets of Wellington to see what the public thinks in the capital. 

“A virus coming from a place called the Wuhan Institute of Virology? I dunno, sounds a little far-fetched. How do we even know there is an institute of virology in Wuhan?” said Michael, 25, as he collected his almond milk latte. 

“Ohh nah I dunno about that one,” said Jacob, 20, a student of psychology and sociology at Victoria University. “Sounds like CNN’s gone down a conspiracy rabbit hole and they can’t get out of it. That’s really sad to see from such a reputable source.”

The general feeling on Lambton Quay today was that it was totally insane to think that a virus could have come from a building that is literally packed full of viruses. 

“No no no,” laughed Sarah, 30, from Thorndon. “The lab-leak theory got debunked years ago. The authorities in China assured the WHO that there was no leak at the lab, and the virus most likely came from the wet market.

“I mean, the idea of a lab leak is just crazy, and if we can’t trust the word of an authoritarian regime, who can we trust?” she asked without blinking. 

More to come.

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“GAHHH, MY SPY BALLOON!”

Liang Rubo, CEO of Bytedance, was spitting tacks today as he heard the news that his TikTok spy balloon had been neutralised by an American fighter jet.

Liang’s company has been spying on teenage girls of the West since 2017, via the TikTok app that encourages them to share repetitive dance videos. Not satisfied with the personal information he was able to gather for the CCP, he expanded ByteDance’s scope beyond social media and into the untapped niche of “balloon based spying”. 

“Gahh come on, that was my spy balloon!” he complained while watching the coverage on the news. “That thing was expensive!

“Ah man, President Xi’s not gonna be happy with me.”

In utter disbelief about what had happened, Liang continued to moan to our reporters. “I mean, who shoots down a balloon with a fighter jet, right? Like, there’s weather balloons everywhere, they’re so common, why would they even think it’s a spy balloon? 

“I mean, to be fair, it was a spy balloon, but still, far out…” 

Liang then cut the interview very short, likely in an attempt to make himself disappear before President Xi does. 

More to come.

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“OH YEAH IT’S DEFINITELY A CRISIS”

Local billionaire elite Roger Rubens believes that the world is in the middle of a climate crisis that could become a catastrophe. He is rock solid in his belief that carbon dioxide is destroying the planet, and yet somehow he is still willing to add to the destruction by burning another full tank of jet fuel with his private jet. 

He is heading off to this year’s World Economic Forum Annual Meeting, in the Swiss Alps town of Davos, where he will join the likes of Bill Gates, Klaus Schwab and anyone else who believes that God has given them the right to “shape” the future of the world. 

Over 1000 private jets have already made it to the small alpine town.

“We’re in a really crucial time for the planet right now. Now is the time for action. We need to stop burning so many fossil fuels if we want to have a planet to live on,” Rubens said to our reporters as his pilot fired up the engine of his Gulfstream 6. 

“We need to cooperate if we want there to be a planet for our grandchildren. Everyone is just going to have to adapt, and be content with having less. 

“What? Oh no, I meant everyone else. Not me…” he added after our reporter pointed out that he had just contradicted himself outrageously. 

“It is really hard to believe that there are still people out there who don’t believe we’re really in a crisis. I mean, obviously burning fossil fuels and pumping carbon into the atmosphere is destroying the planet,” he said as he burned fossil fuels and pumped carbon into the atmosphere.   

“People just find it difficult to listen to the truth. When it comes to saving this beautiful planet, actions speak louder than words,” he said smugly while his actions screamed at him. 

As Mr Rubens flew off, farting all sorts of gas into the atmosphere, the billionaire’s actions made it pretty clear to everyone that he personally doesn’t think the climate is in any kind of crisis at all. 

More to come.

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