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warriors celebrating with clock in foreground.

Daylight Savings Criticised For Not Making The Warriors Kickoff An Hour Earlier

September 23, 2023

DO BETTER.

Daylight Savings has come under fire recently for not doing more for Warriors fans this weekend. 

As Daylight Savings prepares to somehow make time go forward overnight, many have questioned why its powers could not be used to make the Warriors game in Brisbane (9.50 pm NZT) an hour earlier for TV viewers in New Zealand. 

New Plymouth based share milker Gaz McKinnon, 22, is filthy about it. 

“Where’s the accountability? Where’s the consideration for the common man? Just another kick in the teeth for the average Wahs fan isn’t it?

Read More »

Recent headlines

News

office chat between two men and a woman in a warriors jersey

Quiet Team Admin Mysteriously Experiencing More Attention Than Usual This Casual Friday

September 22, 2023

SOMETHING’S DIFFERENT.

Katie Quinn is the kind of girl who usually blends into the background at her Wellington office.
However today she emerged as the star of the show, proudly adorned in Warriors garb.
“I’m usually pretty quiet in the office but I’ve always loved the Warriors,” Katie said with a grin. “Big game tomorrow so I thought today’s the day to let everyone know it,” giggled the 25-year old, sitting down in her current season Warriors jersey.
The Warriors are set to play the Brisbane Broncos in tomorrow night’s NRL semi-final clash in Brisbane and Katie’s dedication to showing support for the team has turned a few heads in the office.

Read More »
woman in open plan office

Woman Shows She’s Down To Earth By Starting Group Email With “Hey Guys”

September 22, 2023

RELATABLE.

A new senior manager at the Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment has sent shockwaves through the department with a brash opening to her first group email.

In contrast to modern email etiquette, recently appointed Director of Policy and Partnerships Molly Franklin started her introductory email to her team with “Hey guys”.

Franklin says she thought long and hard about opting for a safer, less gendered term such as “team” or even “whanau”, but opted for a more collegial tone.

Read More »
Adrian Orr, reserve bank governor

Reserve Bank Governor Insists He Was Just Kidding When He Said Inflation Was Under Control

September 21, 2023

LOL JK.

Reserve Bank Governor Adrian Orr says New Zealanders have no sense of humour after coming under fire as the cost of living continues to rise.

In an announcement on Thursday, Orr proudly confirmed New Zealand’s economy was up 0.9%, ending fears of a recession.

In May, Orr suggested inflation was under control, and he didn’t expect to see the Official Cash Rate rise further than where it was, at 5.5%.

Read More »

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Less recent news

man with bluetooth speaker on courtenay place.

Local Man With Bluetooth Speaker Confidently Predicts Everyone’s Loving His Music

September 13, 2023

UNFLAPPABLE.

A local man was seen strutting down Courtenay Place today with a Bluetooth speaker blaring what he confidently claimed to be “some hot shit that’s the future,” leaving bystanders amused, puzzled and annoyed.

Witnesses reported that the man, identified only as “Rex”, appeared to be under the impression that his choice of music was universally beloved by all who had the privilege of hearing it. 

Dressed all in red and enjoying one of those rare but unbeatable sunny Wellington days, Rex’s aura of musical omnipotence was undeniable.

Read More »
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Quite old news

man with furrowed brow watching south africa beat the all blacks

Local Man’s Brow Remains Furrowed Nearly Two Weeks Since All Blacks Loss

September 8, 2023

BITTER PILL.

In a quiet corner of Timaru, the furrowed brow of a 53-year-old man remains a constant reminder of a painful moment for rugby-watching New Zealand. 

Since the All Blacks’ shock 35-7 loss to South Africa in Twickenham nearly two weeks ago, Peter Wilson has been personally tormented, his worry spiralling ahead of the All Blacks’ World Cup opener against France tomorrow morning. .

“That was hard to watch,” said Wilson, his voice laden with disappointment. “It’s been over a week, but my brow seems to be permanently stuck in this furrowed position.

Read More »
All blacks losing to South Africa with the Space Jam aliens in the foreground.

Aliens Steal All Blacks’ Talent Ahead Of Match Against Bugs Bunny

August 26, 2023

ONLY EXPLANATION. 

As New Zealanders and rugby fans around the world are grappling with the magnitude of a record All Blacks defeat today, a new theory explaining their humiliating loss has emerged.

That being, the aliens known as the “Monstars” from the movie Space Jam, stole the All Blacks players’ talent as they had a game of rugby themselves coming up against Bugs Bunny and the Looney Tunes.

Read More »
dad watching tv on couch early in the morning

Local Dad Pleased With All Blacks’ 6.30 Kickoff Because He’ll Be Up Anyway

August 25, 2023

WHO NEEDS A SLEEP IN?

33-year-old Nelson dad Mark Henderson expressed an unusual level of enthusiasm about tomorrow’s All Blacks match against South Africa at Twickenham, scheduled for the ungodly hour of 6.30 am New Zealand time. 

While many are groaning about the early kickoff, Henderson is reportedly delighted because, unlike carefree men without children, he’s already wide awake and ready to seize the day.

Read More »
pink haired girl with phone and upthewahs in foreground with One NZ warriors

Smug Millennial Fools Absolutely No One by Asking “What’s UpTheWahs?”

August 24, 2023

“IS THAT SPORTSBALL?”

Pink-haired millennial Ruby Galbraith wasn’t fooling anyone in her Wellington office today.

The 28 year-old swanned into the lunchroom and asked some of her sport-oriented colleagues, “What’s ‘UpTheWahs’?” looking at her phone and seeing that the “One NZ” that was normally in the top left of her screen had been replaced by the very well-known Warriors slogan.

One NZ have confirmed today they officially replaced their network name with UpTheWahs as a nod to the team they’ve sponsored since 1999.

Read More »

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Sport

warriors celebrating with clock in foreground.

Daylight Savings Criticised For Not Making The Warriors Kickoff An Hour Earlier

September 23, 2023

DO BETTER.

Daylight Savings has come under fire recently for not doing more for Warriors fans this weekend. 

As Daylight Savings prepares to somehow make time go forward overnight, many have questioned why its powers could not be used to make the Warriors game in Brisbane (9.50 pm NZT) an hour earlier for TV viewers in New Zealand. 

New Plymouth based share milker Gaz McKinnon, 22, is filthy about it. 

“Where’s the accountability? Where’s the consideration for the common man? Just another kick in the teeth for the average Wahs fan isn’t it?

Read More »
man smiling through gritted teeth with Wahs jersey, ignoring the all blacks loss

DIDN’T HAPPEN: Kiwis Immediately Turn Their Focus To Warriors Playoff Game

September 9, 2023

UP THE WAHS.

After absolutely nothing happening at all this morning, New Zealanders are now turning their focus towards the Warriors, who have their playoff match against Penrith tonight.

This morning was most notable for its uneventfulness, and definitely did not see the All Blacks lose their first ever pool match in their Rugby World Cup history. Kiwis have nonetheless decided to move on as quickly as they can because there’s a chance later this evening that they’ll have something to cheer about.

Mark, a passionate rugby fan who is totally fine, is looking forward to the ‘rugba league’ this evening, despite traditionally not taking much interest in the sport.

Read More »
More sport...

Culture

woman in open plan office

Woman Shows She’s Down To Earth By Starting Group Email With “Hey Guys”

September 22, 2023

RELATABLE.

A new senior manager at the Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment has sent shockwaves through the department with a brash opening to her first group email.

In contrast to modern email etiquette, recently appointed Director of Policy and Partnerships Molly Franklin started her introductory email to her team with “Hey guys”.

Franklin says she thought long and hard about opting for a safer, less gendered term such as “team” or even “whanau”, but opted for a more collegial tone.

Read More »
chris hipkins and chris luxon playing punk rock on stage with their album in the foreground

Punk Rock Revival Underway With Crunchy New Album From The Chrises

September 4, 2023

ALBUM REVIEW: “Mostly The Same” by The Chrises.

Punk rock has always been a genre known for its rebellious spirit, but The Chrises, an unlikely duo consisting of New Zealand Prime Minister Chris Hipkins and National Party Leader Chris Luxon, have taken that spirit to a whole new level with their debut album, “Mostly The Same.”

From the moment you press play, it’s clear that The Chrises are unapologetically challenging the status quo of punk rock. The album kicks off with the blistering track “Political Mayhem,” which is a raw and aggressive commentary on the chaotic world of politics. Hipkins and Luxon’s contrasting vocal styles add a unique dynamic to the song, with Hipkins delivering rapid-fire verses while Luxon provides powerful, anthemic choruses.

Read More »
More culture...
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Politics

Adrian Orr, reserve bank governor

Reserve Bank Governor Insists He Was Just Kidding When He Said Inflation Was Under Control

September 21, 2023

LOL JK.

Reserve Bank Governor Adrian Orr says New Zealanders have no sense of humour after coming under fire as the cost of living continues to rise.

In an announcement on Thursday, Orr proudly confirmed New Zealand’s economy was up 0.9%, ending fears of a recession.

In May, Orr suggested inflation was under control, and he didn’t expect to see the Official Cash Rate rise further than where it was, at 5.5%.

Read More »
man shopping in pak n save

Local Bloke Already Paying Zero GST On Fruit And Veg By Not Buying Any

August 27, 2023

BEATING THE SYSTEM.

Following Labour’s promise to remove GST from fruit and vegetables, a Palmerston North man has already figured out how to achieve this tax break – by simply not purchasing any fruits or vegetables in the first place.

John Thompson, 28, shares a flat with two other males and regularly shops at his local Pak n Save. While Labour is touting the merits of GST reduction on healthy foods, Thompson has been minding his own business, opting for a diet that sidesteps the issue entirely.

Read More »
More politics...

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DISCLAIMER: NZ satire has a long tradition. The Whakataki Times is a satirical news website, which means the stories are made up for comedic effect.