CRUSADERS CRISIS: One Eyed Cantab Believes It’s 2004 And He’s Being Punk’d By Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kutcher laughing at one eyed cantab and losing Crusaders



A disbelieving Craig Chamberlain is testing a new theory about why the Crusaders appear to be last on the Super Rugby table. 

The self-admitted “one eyed Cantabrian” is now saying that Ashton Kutcher, a Hollywood actor of some renown, is rebooting his early 2000s prank show “Punk’d” and is pulling an elaborate practical joke on him. 

“I’ve gotta hand it to Ashton, he’s had me going for a while there. I almost believed that the Crusaders were last on the table,” he laughed, shaking his head. 

Craig now believes that there are hidden cameras all around him, and Kutcher is hiding in a nondescript van on the street somewhere, laughing at his anguish on multiple TV screens.  

“But boy it must have taken a lot of work to create this fake world I’m living in. Do you reckon he rigged all the games we’ve had so far? Or have I just been getting shown AI-generated videos?”

Chamberlain smiled and looked heavenward, thinking about all the cognitive dissonance he’s been feeling this year. 

“I know that the Crusaders have lost a lot of key players and a superstar coach, but the idea that the team has fallen this far is just ridiculous,” he said. 

“Kutcher is a tricky bugger isn’t he?” said Chamberlain, ignoring the fact that it has been nearly 20 years since the actor hosted his MTV show. 

The one eyed cantab revealed that he had initially thought he was the victim of an even older pop-culture inspired conspiracy. 

“Was feeling like bloody Jim Carrey in the Truman Show for a long time there. Like everyone around me was an actor trying to make me believe the Crusaders were losing, haha.

“Hilarious stuff.” 

More to come. 

Big fan of the Whakataki? Use the form on this page to become a Whakataki backer. You can also follow us on Insta.

Enjoying the Whakataki Times and want to say thanks? Now you can! Use the form below to make a financial contribution to the team’s operating costs. 

How much do you reckon?

Up to you how much