WILLARD J. KOOKMEYER | Culture
NO INFLUENCE
A generically attractive woman who three years ago decided to re-invent herself as a fit, spiritual, healthy person returned home from her run this morning with her aura feeling decidedly un zen.
32 year old Sophie Todd likes nothing more than being out on a joyful Sunday morning 10k, getting the blood flowing and enjoying the fresh air.
And although these are the official reasons she gives for loving a Sunday morning run, what she really likes is seeing losers doing their walks of shame while she’s out virtuously exercising and looking great.
Approximately 2 years ago the former party girl was scrolling through the legions of women who were somehow making money by simply doing exercise, eating smoothies and wearing tight fitting, expensive activewear.
Sophie was at a crossroads in life, and after 8 years of punching the clock in semi-real jobs like marketing and real estate, she realised she wasn’t cut out for actual work.
In the 18 months since, she has built her insta following to 25,037, using the tried and true formula of thirst traps posing as workout videos, uplifting motivational phrases against a backdrop of water or sunsets, and pics of strange looking nuts and fruit that she blends into a juice.
But after all her hard work on the social media front, Sophie returned home from her morning run at 7.12am feeling completely deflated.
There was no one to be seen staggering home from the night before, and no one for Sophie to judge mercilessly from her position of social influence. She did not see a single dishevelled piece of shit with his shirt untucked drinking a Powerade, nor any tragic girls carrying their heels home whilst crying.
And after running 10kms and not sighting a single hooch hound, keg with legs, human brewery or martini machine crawling home in the harsh morning sunshine, this morning’s outing was a complete and utter disaster.
In an attempt to feel better, she spent the entire day in bed, judgingly scrolling through her friends insta feeds from last night.
More to come.
