GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture
THE PLANET IS COUNTING ON ME
Self-styled eco warrior Arlo Davies does what he can to be a compassionate and moral member of society. The 21 year old is an unblinking defender of the vulnerable, the under-represented, and of course, the planet.
“It’s my calling to do everything I can to secure the future of the planet for my generation. We must put an end to fossil fuels, NOW!” he said, before being briefly distracted by his new generation iPhone, made largely out of fossil fuels.
“We will all need to make sacrifices to save the planet, because the BOOMER GENERATION including my parents have totally f***ed it all up!”
While Mr Davies is usually a shining beacon of light and virtue, he admits that he is not always perfect. “I had a really rough sleep last night. I try to do everything right, but… I think I accidentally put the wrong container in the recycling bin,” he said, his voice cracking and his eyes welling up.
“I tossed and turned thinking about it. The recycling truck was coming and I had to do it quickly, okay?? I panicked!
“I tried to chase down the truck but it was too late!” he quivered, tears now trickling down his cheeks.
The mediocre university student, who’s other major past time is posting opinions about various things on social media, definitely has a lot riding on this climate thing.
“How will I be able to show my face at uni next week? I’m supposed to be the leader of the Climate Action Association. What kind of leader am I?
“The planet is counting on me. My friends are counting on me. What’s Olivia going to think? Ohh god, and I saw her pictures on Instagram of her with those rugby players too, urrrgh!” Davies snarled.
Our reporters attempted to reassure the climate champion by pointing out that lots of New Zealand’s recycling gets shipped to China and they likely dump it in the ocean anyway, but he then spun out into a shrieking vortex of despair.
More to come.
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