GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
With the election just around the corner, the demon known as “Orange Guy” has reappeared, this time with a thicker body and fingers.
Various commentators have noticed the changes and speculated about whether they are a way of making the dark entity “more relatable” to the common New Zealander. Some say the chonkier physique is more realistic when it comes to modern standards.
But it appears no one is facing the truth of the matter, which is that “Orange Guy” has simply shape-shifted to appear less like a fanta-flavoured “slenderman” and generally less demonic.
“Hey, it’s just a natural progression for my animation, you guys. Every election there’s something a little different,” it lied shamelessly as the blood of the innocent dripped from its lips and newly spawned fingers.
“Make sure you’re enrolled to vote!”
Garth Winters, one of Orange Guy’s so-called “animators” says there’s nothing to worry about. “We tried out something a little different to freshen him up, just like we always do. Largely the same, but a little different,” said the demon’s head acolyte as he crouched in a circle with the rest of its cultists.
“All heil Orange Guy!” they chanted in unison as they each held up their bloodied sacrifices to throw into a central furnace.
The Electoral Commission would not comment on the ravenous demon they had unleashed on humanity, but did issue a statement clarifying their position.
“The Electoral Commission believes in upholding democracy through strong public communication, handled by external media agencies. The Electoral Commission does not take responsibility for the alleged “portal to the shadow realm” that has opened up in central Wellington”.
More to come.
