WILLARD J. KOOKMEYER | Culture
FELINE FACTS
A study released today by the Massey Institute of Domesticated Animals has confirmed what all humans and most cat owners have long suspected – all cats are assholes.
Historically cats have always had a bad rap. Back in medieval times they weren’t allowed in the same room as babies, after several reported instances of cats smothering infants to death in their cribs.
A further nail in the feline coffin is the fact that witches always favoured cats as their choice of ‘familiar’ – a companion or assistant that the witch had a magical connection with.
And it’s no coincidence that 90% of history’s villains, everyone from Vito Corleone in the Godfather, to Dr Evil and Gargamel, had a cat as their sidekick.
Putting aside that mountain of historical evidence, the two year study conducted lab sessions, thousands of hours of in-home monitoring of domestic cats in their owner’s homes, and extensive interviews with cat owners from every demographic and socioeconomic group.
And the findings were conclusive, as outlined by the Program Director, Herman Wahlburg.
“Of the thousands of cats that we studied, every one displayed some form of assholeness in their behaviour patterns and general demeanour.
“You’ve got your lazy assholes, arrogant assholes, destructive assholes, vain assholes, and of course the classic – unaffectionate, superior assholes.
Unsurprisingly, lots of kittens were cute assholes, but as they get bigger, all cats get less cute and more asshole like.”
“Of course, most cats tick more than one of the above behavioural or attitudinal boxes, for example a large majority of cats are lazy, arrogant, non-affectionate, manipulative assholes.”
“Then you’ve got a small percentage of truly evil assholes, I mean if you’ve ever seen a cat mercilessly torment a small bird or lizard for hours, you know what I’m talking about.”
The study is expected to create some controversy amongst the cat lovers of New Zealand, but the reality is that deep down, they know that their beloved feline companion is an asshole of some description.
When informed of the study’s findings by our reporter, cat owner Anthony Stevens of Masterton had this to say.
“Look, I know Molly doesn’t respect or even like me, but at least I don’t have to spend every evening at the park picking up dogshit and making small talk with a bunch of assholes I can’t stand.”
More to come
