WILLARD J. KOOKMEYER | Culture
MMM, HOW GOOD
A local man in the midst of a hellish, self-inflicted nightmare, found salvation today in the form of a dozen pieces of warm pork mince, wrapped in fluffy, golden pastry.
Theo Jamieson, a structural engineer from the Christchurch suburb of St Albans recently married long-time partner Alannah Gowing. They’re currently bathing in that blissful, child free stage of life where they do pretty much whatever the hell they want, especially on Sundays.
Safe in this knowledge, Theo did a massive number on himself last night, starting with $8 jugs at the Marist Albion clubrooms, before rolling into the Church for 7 Hazy IPA’s, Tequila shots and a half-melted gummy from his old flatmate Bruiser Donaldson.
Thinking he had the whole next day to lick his wounds and recuperate, he ubered home at 2.30am, and passed out on the couch.
Which is where he would have stayed until at least midday, had he not been rudely awakened at 9.05am by an angry looking Alannah.
“Hudson’s birthday party’s in half an hour, I’d knew you’d fucken forget. Get in the bloody shower,” she cooed lovingly into his ear.
Theo then found himself attempting to make small talk in a room of adults whose children attend the same pre-school as his nephew, with absolutely nothing in common other than all breeding a baby human during the same calendar year.
Sweating profusely, as waves of nausea and self loathing washed over him, Theo was reminded by his rising stomach acid that the last thing he’d eaten was party pie around 5PM last night.
Weaving unsteadily over to the kitchen bench, he was dismayed to see the only snacks on offer were carrot sticks with hummus, gluten free crackers and a fruit platter.
Then, just as all hope seemed lost, his sister-in-law Georgie pulled out a large platter of sausie rolls, fresh from the oven.
After testing the waters with a couple of mouthfuls to ensure they were going to stay down, Theo made quite the pig of himself, going back for seconds, thirds and eventually fourths.
A still visibly shaken Theo spoke to our reporter today at 4pm.
“Mate, it was touch and go there, I was that close to blowing my neck all over the kitchen table.”
More to come.
