GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture
GROSSLY PROBLEMATIC
A so-called “Kiwi bloke” from Hamilton East has shamelessly celebrated Matariki by completely ignoring the celestial significance of the stars, instead choosing to mark the occasion by getting absolutely obliterated on Tui with his mates.
The long weekend, which was explicitly established to honour mātauranga Māori, reflect on loved ones who’ve passed, and connect with the environment, has once again been violently hijacked by backyard drinkers and meat-sizzlers across the country.
One such offender is 27-year-old Jimmy Cook (yes, Cook), who proudly admitted he didn’t even know what the Matariki stars were for — despite the nation being flooded with government-funded explainers, school education packs, TikTok campaigns, and a lovely animated short film voiced by Rachel House.
“Nah, didn’t really watch any of that,” grunted Cook between bites of a sausage wrapped in bread. “Me and the boys just made a fire, had a few, and chucked on a bit of Kora. Matariki vibes!”
Matariki vibes?!
As if our tīpuna fought colonialism so that men like Jimmy could use a sacred Māori occasion to sink a dozen cans and shout “cheehoo” across a fence.
The Cook household’s “celebration” included no karakia, no star-gazing, and certainly no moment of silence for the dead. Instead, it reportedly involved seven men failing to assemble a gazebo and a deeply problematic drinking game called “Name That Star” (spoiler: none of them could).
It’s the latest example of the ongoing systemic failure of Aotearoa to engage meaningfully with te ao Māori, even after the government has bent over backwards to explain it all in the most palatable, Pākehā-friendly ways possible.
“They’ve had every chance to learn,” sighed one furious Victoria University postgraduate student, speaking from her parents’ bach in Martinborough. “But apparently a day off work is just a permission slip to culturally appropriate a star cluster into a piss-up.”
Do better, Jimmy. Do better, Aotearoa.
More to come.
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