Major Uptick In Children Asking Santa For A Pack Of Darts

santa reading letters with cigarettes in foreground

GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture 

NAUGHTY OR NICE

According to an Official Information request made to Santa’s workshop, there has been a marked increase in the number of New Zealand children asking for tobacco products for Christmas this year. 

While toys and lollies made up the bulk of children’s wish list items, 42% of kiwi children have also asked for a pack of darts. That’s up 20% since last year. 

Labour health spokesperson and former health minister Ayesha Verrall believes this is because the new government reversed Smokefree legislation. “You see? I told you! National are not fit to govern!

“This is the most backward government Aotearoa has ever had,” she said, appearing vindicated.

“Obviously everything that’s bad for you needs to be banned. Obviously! Look at the science! The SCIENCE!!”

Eight year old Logan meanwhile is hopeful Santa can come through for him. “I’ve never really thought about smoking ciggies before, but for some reason I’m really keen now. 

“My big brother’s got a vape but I heard that’s harmless so it’s probably lame. Ciggies look way more fun,” he said while jumping to touch the top of his bedroom door frame. 

Santa would not comment on whether his elves had the capacity to manufacture enough cigarettes to meet the demand this year. 

More to come. 

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