ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local
Dave McMillian, 44, was not under general anaesthetic for a serious medical procedure today, but to our reporters that’s exactly what it looked like.
Neighbours explained to the Whakataki Times that the financial consultant had indulged in his fourth 330mL crafty APA, just as the heat ticked over to 31 degrees this afternoon. At 3:39pm McMillian was found unresponsive on his couch with empty cans lined up nearby, and the text “Are you still watching Tiger King” displayed on his 52 inch Panasonic.
Concerned neighbour and practicing ICU nurse, Fiona, arrived on scene as reporters banged on the blackout drunk’s door, and provided some insight into the unmarried alcoholic’s condition.
“Alcohol has a sedative effect that makes you very relaxed and lethargic. Dave’s current state is extremely similar to anyone undergoing general anaesthetic, but I mean, we all know a couple of drinks can make you real sleepy, real quick -especially in this bloody heat.
“Look, drinking sucks the life out of you, and to be honest, we could perform surgery on Dave right now if we wanted to. He wouldn’t feel a thing!”
Another neighbour, dentist Allen Young, said that if McMillan needed any teeth pulled then now would be the time to do it. “This man is undoubtedly ready to undergo a procedure that would be unbearably painful while conscious”.
As reporters sought further comment from more concerned neighbours from various healthcare backgrounds, McMillian awoke from his slumber and displayed all the typical effects of anaesthetic. Consistent with being heavily intoxicated early on a hot and sunny afternoon, effects included grogginess, confusion, and complete loss of memory.
“It’s Sunday today ay? I was gonna check out that series Tiger King, find out what all the fuss is about”.
More to come.
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