GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National
ANOTHER QUIET NIGHT IN
Wellington-based lockdown enthusiast Dr Michael Baker is enjoying another quiet night in, safe in the knowledge that he’s done everything he can to spread the good word about mask use.
However it appears that he has not been informed that bars across the country are completely back to normal, where pub-goers happily pile into close-quarters drinking establishments with their beautiful expressive faces completely exposed to the world.
The Whakataki Times has reason to believe that Baker lacks this knowledge about bars because he has never actually been to one.
“Well, I’ve done everything in my power to get people excited about wearing masks everywhere,” said the epidemiologist contentedly from his lower North Island lounge. “Although I do think New Zealanders are getting complacent, even our prime minister, who’s normally awesome all the time!
“I almost choked on my milo when I saw that picture of Jacinda without a mask, in that huge room full of people, and all those disgusting airborne germs everywhere,” Baker spat with contempt. “Let’s hope it was a one off”.
When asked about how he thought the bars and pubs were coping with managing mask use, he was confident that people were taking his advice on board.
“Oh well I’m sure that bar owners and staff are making sure everyone’s wearing masks in bars, I mean, of course they are, there’s germs everywhere!” said the always positive and upbeat virus expert.
“I don’t know exactly what’s happening in bars, but I assume everyone’s wearing masks and they’ve all got cardboard straws to drink their drinks while keeping their masks on”.
“Why would they be doing anything else? I’m always on TV telling everyone that they’ve got to wear a mask all the time, and if they don’t then they’re just as irresponsible as drunk drivers. How could anyone not be doing what I tell them?” asked the obviously likable and relatable doctor.
At this point in the interview our reporter came to the conclusion that Dr Baker had never actually been to a bar before. The interview was then cut short as the reporter did not have the heart to tell Baker about the thousands of pissed kiwis breathing on each other and pashing in bars across the country at that very moment.
More to come.
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