GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics
STRATEGIC PLAN
Christopher Luxon has announced a bold new initiative to “drive positive online outcomes” by banning under-16s from social media.
Speaking in what appeared to be fluent LinkedIn, Luxon told reporters the policy would “unlock safety synergies for our youngest stakeholders, while future-proofing the digital landscape for multi-generational engagement.”
Translation: teenagers won’t be allowed on TikTok anymore.
“This is a strategic move to align with our trans-Tasman partners, based on recent Australian developments in the youth-digital interface space,” said Luxon, while appearing to believe that was a normal sentence for a Prime Minister to say.
When asked if this would require digital ID to verify people’s ages — and open the door to tracking everyone online — Luxon paused, smiled, and replied, “We are actively exploring scalable verification pathways which will ensure confidence from all parties in the online user journey.”
Kiwis around the country are still trying to figure out if they’re being governed or managed into the ground.
“He talks like he’s about to sell me a subscription to a cloud-based HR system,” said Lower Hutt mother Sheree Edwards. “I just want to know if my 14-year-old can still post memes.”
Critics have suggested that introducing a law like this would, by necessity, mean every internet user would need to prove their age — leading to digital identity systems. But Luxon quickly hosed that down, reassuring the public that “there’s no current roadmap for that deliverable.”
Meanwhile, Australians have already passed a similar law and are now trying to figure out how to implement it without turning the entire internet into an airport security line.
“Look, this is about empowering parents and guardians with the tools to manage digital engagement.”
More to come.
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