GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport
“NONE OF THIS IS REAL”
It was a difficult night for the one-eyed Cantabrian Craig Chamberlain, as his beloved Crusaders fell to a 31-10 loss to the Chiefs in their opening Super Rugby match.
While Craig’s default reaction to anything is anger, this time was different, as he instead concluded that such a loss could not have really happened. And so to explain what he witnessed with his very eyes, Craig has declared himself clinically insane.
“I’ve lost the plot. I’ve imagined a whole rugby game, where the Crusaders lost 31-10 to the Chiefs! It was like a nightmare!” he explained.
As the Crusaders eased out to a standard 10-0 lead at the 20 minute mark, things were all going to plan for Chamberlain.
Although his blood pressure rose a few notches as Sam Cane, who was earlier yellow carded, ended up scoring to put the visiting Chiefs ahead.
Even to the casual observer, it would be hard to believe that the 13 time champion Crusaders could somehow be left scoreless in the second half at home, let alone pointless for the last hour of the game.
“I know that what I saw could not be part of reality, because the Crusaders playing at home and losing to the Chiefs, in the opening round, would not happen in the real world. I literally could not believe my eyes”, he said matter-of-factly.
Chamberlain has now checked himself into one of Christchurch’s major mental hospitals, as he is convinced there is something wrong with his brain. “Well what else am I supposed to do? I’ve lost the plot, clearly. I’m even hearing voices of people talking about the Crusaders losing,” he said to our reporters while tightly restrained in his straight jacket.
When our junior reporter innocently stated that “the Crusaders did lose though”, the one eyed cantab began screaming profanities and violently throwing himself against the walls of his padded cell.
More to come.
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