One Week After Waitangi Seymour Now Safe To Power Down Dildo Forcefield

Seymour wearing anti dildo backpack forcefield at Waitangi

GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics

COAST IS CLEAR

After a spicy Waitangi Day up north, Act Leader David Seymour believes it is now safe for him to relax the precautions he’s been taking for the last week or so. 

“I knew things could get heated up there, as not too many people at Waitangi were keen to hear what I had to say,” said one of the three heads of the so-called ‘coalition of chaos’. 

While not widely reported in the legacy media, Seymour was in fact operating a very advanced forcefield, specifically designed to keep projectile sex toys from colliding into him. 

“We all saw what happened to Steven Joyce all those years ago, so why would I risk being slapped across the lips by a bright pink dildo?” asked Seymour incredulously. 

The ‘D24 Sex Toy Defence System’ fits in a backpack and creates a 10 m radius around the wearer, creating an area that no sex toy of any description is able to ‘penetrate’. 

The new technology was custom-built by the super-spooky ‘Atlas Network’, who the media claim have a sinister plot to spread ‘freedom of speech and individual liberty’ throughout New Zealand. 

“It’s a great piece of tech, so I appreciate the work that’s gone into it. Shout out to the dev team for getting it tested and approved in time for Waitangi.”

While there has only been one incident of a sex toy being thrown in Waitangi history (a pink dilly for Steve Joyce), Seymour insisted that there was a real risk of other types of marital aids being launched at him. 

“We were prepared for vibrators, flesh lights, anal beads, you name it. I wasn’t going to take any risks this time around,” laughed the increasingly popular MP (according to the latest poll). 

Seymour is apparently optimistic for the future, now that he has this unique self defence tool.

“Can’t wait til next year”.

More to come. 

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