GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics
DEMOCRACY OR ELSE
The demon spawned from the depths of hell known as “orange guy” has delivered a threat to all of those New Zealanders who are undecided about whether to vote this year.
The message was delivered via a note attached to a brick that was thrown through the front window of the Whakataki Times rural headquarters. It read “If you’re thinking about not voting this year, just remember I know where you live”.
Looking out the window, intern Caleb Walker caught a glimpse of the orange guy, standing menacingly in the middle of the road, motionless.
“This creature wasn’t of this world. As I stared into its dead, black eyes I could feel fragments of my soul being sucked away from me,” he recounted tearfully.
“Eventually I forced myself to look away to try and catch my breath and feel normal again. When I looked back again, it was gone.”
As Caleb ventured outside to investigate further, he made another sickening discovery. “On the front door it had written in capital letters, in blood, ‘VOTE. OR I’M COMING BACK’”
Caleb is doing okay, and will be able to go home and recover fully once he’s made everyone a coffee.
We strongly advise that you get out and cast your vote before 7 pm tomorrow, unless you want to find out what this sick being is capable of.
More to come.
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