GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics
WHO KNEW?
A groundbreaking new report has found that the hidden cause of the toxic work culture within New Zealand’s parliament could be “all the lying and backstabbing”.
The independent report was commissioned by concerned citizens following the demise of Kiri Allan’s career, which came to a dramatic head last week, apparently due to unaddressed mental health issues.
Journalists appear to be shocked that a career path built on lies would lead to a stressful and mentally taxing environment. However it looks like everyone else has been well aware of this reality for quite some time.
The study concluded that the continuous practice of deceit, manipulation, and betrayal by politicians plays a significant role in the decline of mental well-being within the hallowed halls of parliament.
“The high levels of stress and anxiety experienced by politicians are directly linked to the constant lying and backstabbing they engage in,” declared Dr. Danielle Davidson, the lead researcher of the study. “It’s truly astounding how this revelation has caught the media off-guard.”
The media’s apparent surprise at these findings has left New Zealanders scratching their heads too. “Where have they been all this time?” wondered one Wellingtonian. “It’s like they just discovered that sheep shit in the paddock.”
Others were even more sarcastic in their response. “Who knew that being surrounded by politicians who smile for the cameras while plotting each other’s downfall could be mentally draining?” said an amused Aucklander when asked about the media’s recent discovery.
Politicians have been quick to respond, feigning astonishment at the report’s conclusions. “Who would’ve thought that lying and backstabbing could have negative consequences?” smirked one anonymous back bench MP.
While the media’s astonishment may be genuine, New Zealand’s collective eye-rolling confirms that the questionable behaviour within parliament has been a widely acknowledged secret all along.
“Perhaps we’ll get a higher standard of behaviour from our leaders after the next election,” said a young man on Lambton Quay, trying and failing to keep a straight face.
More to come.
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