Chloe Now Wishing Benjamin Doyle Was Just A Run Of The Mill Shoplifter
SIMPLER TIMES.
Swarbrick Cops It At Green Party Fines Session After Forgetting To Wash The Team Kit
OOH THAT’S A BIG ONE.
Green Party co-leader Chloe Swarbrick absolutely copped it at the fines session today, after forgetting it was her turn to wash the dirty keffiyehs for the team.
Parliamentary Service Lad Remains Tight-Lipped About Which MPs Are Dickheads In Real Life
NOT WHO YOU’D EXPECT.
25-year-old James* (who, for reasons of his own, only goes by “James”) works as an advisor in our nation’s parliament. James recently shared with friends that he’s spent the last two years accumulating top-secret intel on the MPs he works with.
44-Year-Old Lawyer Finding It Quite Difficult To Get Away With Shoplifting These Days
CAN’T CATCH A BREAK.
A middle-aged Aucklander who happens to be a qualified lawyer has been having a run of bad luck lately.
Pak n Save Shopper Uses Shopping Basket Instead Of Own Bag So She Doesn’t Look Like She’s Stealing
KEEPING UP APPEARANCES.
A 40 year old woman from central Auckland turned heads today, as she opted for a shopping basket to carry her groceries as she selected them at Royal Oak Pak n Save.
“Pak n Save Keeps Prices Low But You Still Have To Pay Them!” Says Stickman To Golriz
EXTRA LOW DEALS.
Stickman, the national spokesman for Pak n Save, has said “enough is enough” after news broke that non-MP Golriz Ghahraman is now being investigated for shoplifting at their Royal Oak supermarket.
Chloe Swarbrick Weeps As Eco-Stocking Composts Before Her Very Eyes
“NO CHRISTMAS CHEER HERE”
Green Party Co-Leader Chloe Swarbrick was reportedly in tears this morning after learning that her plans for a very green Christmas had turned to compost.
Golriz Dismayed To Find Out Her Theft Conviction Wasn’t A Big Misunderstanding
REALITY BITES.
Former Green MP Golriz Ghahraman’s bid to clear her name for a crime she definitely did, took a sharp turn today as the Auckland High Court firmly denied her appeal to wipe her shoplifting convictions.
Chloe Triple Checks That New MP Hasn’t Been Doing Any Shoplifting Or Migrant Exploitation
“NOW, YOU’RE SURE?”
Chloe Swarbrick is leaving no stone unturned in her recruitment process, specifically the background checks of Benjamin Doyle, who is likely to be joining her in parliament as an MP shortly.
Tory Whanau Calculating How Many Cars She Needs To Sell To Avoid Government Intervention
TORY FROM TURNERS.
Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau has been working overtime today—not at City Hall, but at Turner’s Cars.
