EVERY YEAR

34-year-old Dave Hamlin, veteran grade cricketer and part-time keeper of excuses, has yet again failed to pay his $160 club fees for his third division cricket season.

The season, now winding down with only a few rounds remaining, has seen Hamlin turn up dutifully for practice, matches, and post-game beers, but apparently bank account unable to transfer his season’s subs.

Despite the looming deadline, Hamlin is calm. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll sort it tonight,” he said after training last week, as he handed over $20 for the pokies while sipping a freshly poured pint.

Teammates say this pattern is nothing new. “Honestly, we just assume Dave’s going to be last to pay every year,” said club captain Mark Reid. “It’s like clockwork. The only thing predictable about him is that his subs won’t be paid until the very last possible second.”

Another teammate, Simon Patel, added: “ He always says ‘tonight’… and somehow it turns into tomorrow, or the next week, or sometimes next season. I’m sick of telling him to hurry up and do it.”

Club treasurer Nigel Thompson said he’s come to terms with Dave’s late payment  style. “We’ve learned to budget around the fact that Dave likely will be the last to pay his subs. Each time we pull out the final warning about how he won’t play until he pays, then he seems to come through.”

As the season edges closer to its finale, Hamlin remains confident but also coy. “I’ve got it covered,” he said with a grin. “Just give me one more week… maybe two.

More to come.

The post Local Teammate Who Still Hasn’t Paid His Subs Will “Sort It Tonight” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOT STEPPER

Christchurch’s mixed Division 3 touch scene has a new star, at least in his own mind. Kade Clarke, 29, describes his side steps as “Shaun Johnson-level footwork,” though spectators might politely call it “mostly sideways running.”

Clarke, a once promising rugby player whose professional career never quite got off the ground, says he’s making up for lost glory on the touch field.

“I figured if I can’t make it in the big leagues, why not bring a bit of flair to social touch?” he said after a recent game, wearing his cap backwards as per usual.

Teammates were less impressed. “Kade’s got confidence, I’ll give him that,” said fellow Division 3 player Jess McAllister. “He’s stepping like Shaun Johnson in his head anyway. Most of the time he’s just running sideways, but at least he looks good doing it.”

Clarke’s other teammate, Mark Ropati, added: “He’s committed. He’s not scoring much, but he’s putting in the effort, albeit if it looks like he’s going to break his own ankle while doing it.

Despite the sideways sprints, Kade remains undeterred. “I’m just out here having fun, it’s social after all right? Who cares about go forward ball. What this league really needs is more flair and creativity”.

More to come.

The post Local Touch Bro With Cap Back To Front Naturally Believes He’s Shaun Johnson appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CLEAR PRIORITIES

Christchurch resident Matt Smyth, 35, has once again clarified to friends, family, and a handful of romantic prospects that he is “just not in a place for commitment right now.”

Despite working long hours in finance, Smyth somehow transforms from weary office worker to hyper-available social athlete the moment the clock hits 5:01pm. While most people head home to decompress, Matt is usually speeding across the city in sport-appropriate attire for whichever league needs him.

What started as the odd game of indoor netball a few years ago, has spiralled into a weekly schedule that resembles someone training like a professional athlete. Monday is mixed netball, Tuesday is men’s netball, Wednesday is touch rugby and Thursday is “whoever needs a fill in” and Friday is meant to be a relaxation night, although he is often “on standby” to drop everything to play a random game.

Friends say Matt’s motivation is partly fuelled by an unfulfilled dream.

“His rugby career didn’t quite take off,” says one mate, “so now he plays all forms of sport socially, but with the intensity of a man still hoping he’ll make it professionally.”

When asked why he struggles to maintain meaningful relationships, Matt offered what he believed was an airtight explanation:

“When would I have time to sit at home choosing something on Netflix with a partner when I regularly play back-to-back random fill-in netball games in Hornby? 

“I’m time poor. How could I take my girlfriend out for dinner when I need to be at Lancaster Park for social touch rugby, or when someone may need me to play centre or wing defence for their social team?”

While his dating life remains a revolving door, Matt insists his priorities are simply different.

“Relationships come and go. But the 7:40pm mixed grade semifinal waits for no one.”

More to come.

The post Local Bloke Not Ready For Relationship Commitment But Will Commit to Every Bit of Social Sport Available appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

URGH..

Joey Martinez, a lover of football of the indoor variety, has a habit of hanging around after his scheduled evening games to see if any other teams need extra players. 

Martinez, 19, plays in the Wednesday night Div 1 men’s league at Wellington Indoor Sports, but will happily stay later to ruin a mixed league social game if he gets the chance. 

“Just helping out teams that are short on players and it’s good for my fitness to have an extra game,” he explained, totally oblivious to how annoying it is for the teams he ends up playing against. 

Josh McAndrews, 40, plays with his wife and her friends in their mixed social league team. He enjoys playing against people of similar ability, but gets thoroughly pissed off by the likes of Martinez. 

“God I hate that guy. Like, we get it, you’re young and skillful and can dribble past a whole team of average old players and score,” said McAndrews bitterly.

“What does he even get out of it though?”  

Martinez meanwhile believes he is doing some kind of public service for the football community, by rewarding a team that can’t even sort their own players out to turn up for a game. 

“Feels good to be able to let these teams have a game, even if one of their players can’t make it that night. It’s tough because everyone’s so busy these days,” he laughed.

With the final score of the game 11-3 to Martinez’s temporary team, the local game-ruiner talked us through the eight goals he scored. 

“They’ve got a couple of good players actually so I think I was lucky to get eight. Their goalkeeper was really good too,” he said, still very stoked to thrash a low-level team. 

His opposition McAndrews meanwhile was unavailable for comment, after an angry outburst which saw him sub himself off early.  

More to come. 

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SAYS IT’LL BE FUN

Ben Macaskill appears to be significantly more enthusiastic about forming a social sports team than carrying out the duties of his current job. 

The 31 year-old who works as an auditor at an accounting firm in Christchurch floated the idea to a colleague in the work kitchen on his lunch break.

“I’ve been thinking about entering a work team in a social netball league. What do you think Tracey? If we get me, you, Katie and Dave. Getting close to a team. Anyone else in the office you know play? Probably need more females.”

Macaskill, who has taken sport quite seriously in his life, is keen to give his colleagues a first hand look at how much of an athlete he is, in addition to telling them how good he is or was during general office chat.

“Yeah I mean sure, but we’ll need a few more though Ben. I don’t think Rosie will be keen, she’s never played sport,” said his colleague Tracey.

“Don’t worry about it. She’ll be fine. She can just play wing-D and we can always get some fill-ins. I’ll enter a team for us today,” Macaskill concluded, still to confirm the makeup of his mixed social team, which will definitely need at least four girls and three guys from their office of 15 people, who are predominantly snowed under with their actual work.

More to come. 

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The post Office Jock Overly Keen To Enter A Work Indoor Netball Team appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CALM DOWN MATE

Morgan Hughes eagerly looks forward to his social indoor netball games at Christchurch’s Action Indoor Sports.

However the 33 year-old, who has never played any form of representative sport in his life, nor turned out for any top level club teams, definitely takes things seriously in games where he really shouldn’t.

During a mixed Division 4 game of indoor netball, when he had the whistle blown at him for stepping, Hughes immediately turned to the umpire who was about 16 years old to express his disdain .

“Oh what? That’s ridiculous ref! You’re ruining the game!” Hughes bellowed in visible frustration, failing to understand once again you cannot step with the ball in the game of netball.

“Just watch your feet Wing D, and that’s a caution. It’s just social netball, it’s all about having fun. If there’s more back chat you’ll be off next,” replied the adolescent umpire.

One of the opposing players then chimed in and began to grab the ball away from Hughes.

“Calm down mate, it’s just social. Gimme the ball.”

With Hughes’ blood pressure rising, he continued to berate the umpire while his own teammates told him to let it go, in what was a very non-competitive sports match.

“Come on! I didn’t even move! You’ve ruined the game ref!”

More to come. 

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MOVE OVER MESSI

Jono Watson had always wanted to make it big in sport.

But the reality is that the 29 year-old never made it anywhere near a top level side in any sport he’s tried playing.

However despite not racking up many achievements in either rugby or cricket during his younger days, Watson is still living off one minor accomplishment – a Division 4 indoor football medal from 2010.

Our reporters met Watson in his bedroom, where he had his medal displayed.

“Ah gee, those were the days. A season to remember that one,” Watson said looking up at his one and only sports medal.

“We probably would have gone alright in Division 1 that year too,” said Watson, ignorant to the reality that they likely would have struggled in division 3.

Damian McMahon, a close friend of Watson gave his reaction to the fact that Jono, a grown man, still hangs up a medal that he won at social indoor sport more than a decade ago.

“Gee, does he still have that on display in his room? I mean, I know it’s a medal and all, but we all got them. He was hopeless for us anyway. I have no idea where my one would be now.”

When our reporters quizzed Watson on whether he had achieved anything else on the sporting pitch, he dug up a McDonald’s Player Of The Day award from 2007. An award which almost everyone gets at some point during the season.

More to come.

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