ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture
BAFFLING
Despite consuming a daily cocktail of sugar, caffeine, and artificial stimulants, 29-year-old Hamilton woman Stacey Duff remains completely baffled as to why she feels like she’s been hit by a truck by 5:30 p.m.
“I just don’t get it,” sighed Duff, rubbing her eyes as she slumped onto her couch, an unopened can of V tucked beside her.
“I start my day strong with a double-shot flat white, follow it up with a cheeky Monster mid-morning, chuck back a Red Bull at lunch, and maybe another V in the afternoon if I’m lagging. But by the time I get home, I’m so exhausted. Like, I could literally pass out.”
“I’ve been thinking I might have low iron or something,” she mused, cracking open the V she swore she wouldn’t drink. “Mum keeps telling me to take magnesium, but like, that just makes you sleepy, right? I don’t need more sleep—I need more energy!”
Her boyfriend, 31-year-old Nathan Wright, who has endured daily complaints about her tiredness for the past two years, remains deeply unimpressed.
“Every single night, she comes home and says, ‘Ugh, I’m so tired,’” he said, shaking his head. “And every single day, I watch her funnel liters of sugar and caffeine like she’s fueling up a race car. It’s the same conversation, over and over again.”
Wright has gently suggested that Duff “maybe drink some water” or “try getting eight hours of sleep instead of staying up scrolling Instagram.” These suggestions have so far been met with hostility.
More to come.
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