GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture
TIME WARP
A 35-year-old plumber and part-time astrophysicist claims he has cracked the mystery of why this week felt so long.
Tim Warren, known among his mates for both fixing leaks and explaining the universe, told reporters that a “small but significant” rift in space and time was responsible for Friday beers arriving later than usual.
“It’s basic relativity,” Warren said confidently, leaning over his pint at Coco’s Bar and Grill on Willeston Street in Wellington. “Time is relative to the observer, right? And when you’ve got a week this slow, it’s like the gravitational pull of Monday is dragging everything backward. Beers on Friday are actually cosmically delayed.”
Warren took another sip of his chosen pint, a Behemoth Brewing “Something Hazy” IPA. “Oh God that’s good. Waited all week for this.”
His drinking companions nodded politely while staring at the menu.
“I swear to you, it’s measurable,” he continued. “Like, on a quantum level, Tuesday and Wednesday were basically the same day. Thursday stretched out for about a month. And now we’re here… finally.”
Warren’s mate Stu admitted that the group had heard Tim’s “space-time beer lag” theory before.
“He’s been going on about it for years,” Stu said, also exhausted by the time-stretched week. “But you’ve got to admire how much he believes in it. I don’t understand a single thing he’s saying, but I respect the passion.”
Another friend, Dave, said he wasn’t sure about rifts in space and time but agreed this week had been “a marathon” and that Friday beers “had never been more deserved.”
At the time of writing, Warren was drawing diagrams on a coaster to illustrate his theory, despite most of the people around him not listening.
More to come.
