ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture
WHEEL WOES
16-year-old Mille Sullivan’s day of glamour quickly turned into a scene of heartbreak when she arrived at the Diocesan School for Girls’ annual school ball in a white 2024 BMW 1 Series.
“I thought I’d be the queen of the ball tonight,” Mille told reporters, visibly embarrassed at arriving in last year’s model. “But then I got here and saw everyone arriving in their parents’ 2025 BMW models… it completely ruined my night before it even started.”
Sullivan, who lives in Epsom, had been counting down the days to the ball, practicing her entrance in the mirror, rehearsing compliments, and dreaming of Instagram stories that would showcase her arrival in a BMW in all its glossy, four-wheeled glory. Instead, her arrival was met with barely concealed stifled laughter from fellow students.
“Look at Mille’s BMW… so last year!” giggled her friend Clara Tindall, 16. “I mean, who even buys a 2024 when 2025 is out? It’s like showing up with last season’s Chanel.” said Clara, sporting the latest iPhone as well.
Her other friend, Zoe Hamilton, chimed in with mock sympathy. “I almost cried for her,” Zoe said. “But then I remembered, it’s just a car. Except here, apparently, it’s your social life on wheels. How embarrassing!”
Mille’s grand entrance in the 2024 BMW was met with polite applause, which quickly shifted to sympathetic murmurs as other students flaunted their shinier, sleeker, and very clearly 2025 models. Mille attempted a brave smile, waving to friends, but by the time she reached the ballroom, the tears were unstoppable. She also had to re-iterate that her parents weren’t poor while also living in a $4.6m home.
“I just wanted one perfect night,” she sobbed, leaning against the car for support. “Now all I can think about is how outdated my parents’ BMW is. It’s humiliating. 2024, what the hell. That was literally last year! Ugh!”
Sources say Mille left the ball early, retreating home to Epsom, where she reportedly spent the rest of the evening scrolling through 2025 BMW Instagram ads and crying into her pillow and begging her parents to upgrade their perfectly fine $70,000 vehicle .
More to come.
