ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture
CRACKED IT!
Luke Hearn, 33, from Wellington, believed he had solved parenting on Saturday afternoon after observing two children for approximately seven minutes.
Hearn, who has no kids and is very single, came to this conclusion while visiting his friend Will Spence and his wife, parents of two children aged four and two. Upon arrival, Luke noticed both kids sitting calmly on the couch, eyes glued to an iPad, while the adults chatted uninterrupted for a handful of minutes.
“Geez, parenting looks pretty easy,” Hearn said confidently. “Just give them the iPad and they’re fine for the day, haha!” Hearn said, unaware his comment could not be further from the actual truth or that he knows nothing about parenting.
Hearn arrived immediately after lunch, during a rare window where the children were fed, clean, dressed, and momentarily hypnotised by a highly engaging device. This led Luke to believe the iPad was the primary parenting tool, rather than a last resort after hours of consistent, responsible effort to raise bright, healthy children instead of brain-rotten zombies.
Hearn appeared unaware of the effects of screen time for children, and naturally didn’t see the meltdowns that occurred later once the ipads were taken away.
“I don’t see why people say it’s hard, haha,” Hearn added, sipping a beer from his mate’s fridge. “They’re just sitting there and look well entertained and calm, give em the iPad and they’re fine!”
At press time, Hearn remained unaware that the same children had earlier refused to wear pants, demanded snacks they already held, and screamed because their banana “broke wrong.”
Will Spence declined to argue with his childless friend, choosing instead to nod politely, a strategy he did to conserve energy for the inevitable random 2 am wake-up from his two year-old.
Parents nationwide confirmed Luke will understand one day, but agreed it was not worth explaining now.
More to come.
